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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he really want to get married?

33 replies

Mumfromuk · 13/02/2018 19:49

I’m questioning whether my OH really wants To get married. I fell pregnant with DD about a year into our relationship. My parents weren’t supportive and wanted an abortion. OH did too but I refused and he finally accepted but not really until after DD birth. We’ve lived together since then. DD nearly 5 and DS nearly 2. I was fed up and gave an ultimatum of a ring and marriage. Got the ring on Valentines last year. Now a year later still no date and OH avoids talking about it. I don’t think he’s ever going to marry me.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 13/02/2018 19:52

A forced proposal, how romantic Hmm

SuperBeagle · 13/02/2018 19:57

No, he doesn't want to get married.

And I think you knew that before you gave him the ultimatum.

Original poster
Mumfromuk · 13/02/2018 19:58

Right Justmuddlingalong! Stupid of me. I see now but he kept saying he was going to ask and dragging me along so I said put up or shut up. Now I’m questioning Confused

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2018 20:02

How convinced did you feel that he wanted to propose a year ago? Have you spoken about it since?

It sounds like he didn’t want to get married or be a dad.

Do you still want to marry him?

This just goes to show that being engaged isn’t a thing and doesn’t change anything in practical terms. Sorry if it’s disappointing or not what you thought would happen. But he did say he didn’t want to be married and proposed because you said you’d leave him if he didn’t. Not sure where that leaves you now. If he goes through with it will you be happy if he didn’t really want it but did it to stop you chucking him?

Original poster
Mumfromuk · 13/02/2018 20:05

Anne he kept saying one day one day and I didn’t really believe him that’s why the ultimatum. I wanted to move forward or move on. Seems as if I need to move on. Yes we’ve talked and he just says soon or let’s discuss at a better time I’m tired.

OP posts:
Scrapper142 · 13/02/2018 20:09

Well, he didn't want to ask you to marry him, so probably doesn't want to marry you.

Are you really losing out here? Do you honestly want to marry a man who had to be forced into it. Would you two still be together if you hadn't had children?

SendintheArdwolves · 13/02/2018 21:26

Ok, so you gave him an ultimatum of a ring and marriage or its over.He has not given you what you asked for. Time to make good on your ultimatum - it's over.

I'm sorry, op, I know it's really hard. But this guy doesn't want to marry you. You may be able to manoeuvre him into marrying you bc the alternative (you ending the relationship) is something he wants even less, but that's not really the same thing.

End it.

Original poster
Mumfromuk · 13/02/2018 21:32

Thank you all for your responses. I’m just worried about the kids. I never imagined having to split my time with someone with my kids. I don’t know what kind of effect it will have on them to split up yet I am very lonely and would like to be with someone who wants to be with me

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/02/2018 21:57

Do you want to be with him if you don't get married? If the answer is no....I personally would give him the ring back..(because it didn't come grom a genuine place in his heart) and say it's clear marriage isn't what he wants...so it's best to part company.

If he wants to marry you...he can propose without coersion or not at all.

I don't really believe in ultimatums...I rather say my piece and if I don't see a change or get what I want ...I walk away.

When I was seeing my now DH...he wanted us to buy a house together...I said I wasn't buying a house with a man I wasn't married to.

I said if he was unsure about marriage we could take a break...I was well prepared to walk away and never see him again.

G120810 · 14/02/2018 00:44

You can't give ultimatums for proposal then it's not done because he wanted to now he's putting wedding off shouldn't really be to much of surprise is he a good partner is relationship good is he a good dad if yes to all these then don't leave him if no to these then rethink the relationship

Vernazza · 14/02/2018 01:07

Aw OP. I know this hurts. But you know deep in your heart what's what. Separate now, be decent about the kids, kind to each other, and this truly can be a good way forward for both of you. Don't waste any more time trying to make a fairytale family out of what isn't going to happen.

You'll both be okay, as will the children, as long as you are kind and decent to each other. Be happy separate individuals, and living parents, for them.

Vernazza · 14/02/2018 01:08

loving

Lostin3dspace · 14/02/2018 06:06

Hmm....perhaps stop looking at marriage as a romantic notion, but a financial contract.
It protects you from being left with nothing at the end of the relationship or in the event of death. It makes all your assetts and income a joint assett. For a person (the woman, usually) who works and pays into a mortgage for a house in someone else's' name, it is a protection, or for the person who gives up work and looks after children, it is protection.
Go through the paper exercise of splitting up. How will it affect you financially? Do you work, own your home or rent it, is it in his name, yours or joint names? Do you have a pension?
If you split up, will the children live with you, and will you therefore be unable to work, or work for a very low wage and have to rely on benefits?
Then balance that against being married and later splitting up.
How much difference does it make?
Why not ask him to marry you?

DownTownAbbey · 14/02/2018 06:37

Lostin3dspace is bang on.

It sounds like he bought you a 'shhh don't hassle me' ring. It gave him some peace and quiet for a while so it worked.

Does he own the house or have money he doesn't want you to have a claim on?

TheNaze73 · 14/02/2018 07:14

I don’t think he does. He’s happy with what you have & I think as you more or less forced him by way of an ultimatum he’s done it to keep the status quo.

Babyblues052 · 14/02/2018 07:43

I don't think he wants to get married. You had to basically force him to propose to you, isn't that the clearest indication you can have that he didn't want to?.

It's horrible but if marriage is a deal breaker then you should probably look into leaving him. Because I doubt, even if he does go through with a wedding to avoid you and the kids leaving, he will actually have wanted to and this will cause a lot of problems down the line.

drainsup · 14/02/2018 08:20

My daughter could have written this although they'd been together years before accidentally falling pregnant. My dd knew he didn't want to marry although they were engaged. She made the decision to split up. He moved on within 3 months and was married with another child on the way within a year. She found love with her current partner and getting married, now she's with the right one, isn't now a priority for her. I think the marriage thing in the old relationship was a quest for some indication of his commitment to their future as the relationship had run its course.

ginch · 14/02/2018 08:35

OP, you say you're very lonely, marriage won't fix that. You'll just be lonely with a ring on, this relationship isn't giving you what you need.

I think the wedding is a side issue.

category12 · 14/02/2018 10:28

It doesn't sound like a happy relationship, more like the unplanned pregnancy led you both to this situation. Since you've laid it out for him, you have an answer - it's not the one you wanted. So now what?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/02/2018 13:00

I think ginch is spot on.

Focus on being happy by yourself, not relying on being with someone else for your self-esteem.

To be honest, you haven't given any reasons why you want to marry this man, other than not being lonely. But if you feel lonely in a relationship with him anyway, I'm really not sure why you want to get married, other than being scared of being single?

Trust me, being in a shit relationship is much lonelier than being single!

Only1scoop · 14/02/2018 13:02

'It sounds like he bought you a 'shhh don't hassle me' ring.'

Quite

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/02/2018 16:38

Has this got anything to do with the assets being in his sole name?

GeorgeTheHippo · 14/02/2018 16:42

Actions speak louder than words don't they. Flowers

Unsurewhattod0 · 14/02/2018 17:07

If anyone gave me an ultimatum like that i’d Walk away. Nothing says love more than forcing someone into marriage. What exactly are you going to get from marriage that you don’t have now? You have a partner, a father for your child and a home with him. All marriage is, is a state sanctioned legal contact. If you love each other and the relationship works why force this upon him against his will?

Original poster
Mumfromuk · 14/02/2018 18:44

Thank you all so much for your honest replies. I am the account owner but my sister posted this because she and I had a good row about her situation. I told her she’d get honest maybe even harsh feedback here. Gave her my phone and said “ask others”. I finally think she is listening and thinking more accurately about her situation. Sometimes family can’t get through to other family.

OP posts: