I think I have a pointless relationship

[Misssam]

Hi everyone

So I have been with my partner for almost 17 years and we have 2 amazing children, we get on ok most of the time, we do occasionally go out for evenings away and we both enjoy it but on a general day to day basis we barely speak and we have no physical intimacy at all other than (excuse the tmi) when he asks for something sexual maybe once a fortnight.

He says I don't make the effort and I think the same about him, I think I love him and I want it to work but I feel I can't be myself 100% when I'm around him. I feel very unattractive to him and myself and have started to miss being wanted and loved (I don't know if he loves me)

Anyway I know all of this is very jumbled and probably doesn't make sense but just writing it down makes me feel a bit better.

How do I fix it we don't find it easy to open up to each other or admit our feelings and we tend to put up defensive barriers if either one of us trying to point out a fault in the other.

Thanks for reading.

Can you write to him? Tell him how you feel, that you dont feel attractive, that you want more intimacy etc?

Also in what ways do you not feel you can be yourself? What do you think would happen if you were?

Yes I probably could write to him, I think I don't want to feel vulnerable as we have got into this rut and although I know he would support me I don't feel comfortable letting my guard down and showing emotion.

If we argue about anything I always seem to cry because I have such a lot of pent up emotions I can't stop it but he sees this as the fact that I am just overly emotional and won't take me seriously.

I don't know how to get back feeling comfortable with him again

Thank you for your reply 👍

Can you get some counselling for yourself.
Understand why you don't want to open up or be vulnerable with the one person who is supposed to love you.
Does he ever do anything sexual for you?
Or is it just you that has to perform every fortnight?
Because that is not on and very degrading and would put a whole new light on your situation.
Is the partnership equal?
Do you both do a fair share on chores and child caring, running around etc....?
Do you work?
Does he work?

Thanks for your reply, so he doesn't just expect me to perform he is happy to do his share, so I think it's probably me that's too insecure to let it go to far regularly.

We both work he does longer hours but we work mon-Friday and the kids both have lots of activities between them. I tend to do the majority of the house work although he will put some washing in and cut the grass thats about it.

I think I probably do need to work out my own issues before trying to fix our relationship issues.

How long has it geeky like this?

Truthfully I can't remember it not being like this at least 6/7 years maybe longer, and I am just sick of pretending to be ok with it

It sounds like you have close to zero physical and emotional intimacy but that he still expects you to do sex when he wants it.

Also, he should be doing more at home not leaving everything bar the grass and an occasional wash.

You need to tell him but you also really need to work out why toy can't/haven't.

Does he close you down if you try to talk? Were you never allowed to make yourself important as a child etc

Yes, why have you been pretending it is ok?

Well I grew up in a family where we didn't share our feelings a great deal but I was always made to feel Important and loved, I can share my feelings with others friends etc I just feel a bit embarrassed when it comes to my partner I suppose, but how can I after all this time together. It makes me think we have disconnected so much although we live together we are a bit like strangers.

I don't want to make a bigger problem and I hate confrontation I think this is stopping me also x

Have you ever shared your feelings with your partner?

Yes I did years ago and we ended up falling out for a while as he though guy I was blaming him for everything and taking no responsibility for it myself. And we ended up just ignoring it and brushing it under the carpet.

*thought I was blaming him (not guy)

So, what was the stuff you tried to raise then about?

I go through stages of resenting him so much I think we should end things but then after a few days/weeks I can't imagine not being with him and don't want to give up.

I told him we don't spend enough time together and I would like him to come and give me a kiss when he gets in from work etc and he just said I could do that too (which is true I know, but not the point) l, I told him I didn't feel completely happy and wanted more intimacy that didn't always need to be about sex.

You really really need to let it out else you'll just become strangers woth an obligatory fortnightly ow job at most or you'll end up screaming and shouting and walking out.

Just write the letter. Don't give it him. Write it and be honest and see what it says.

So it was the exact same problem!!!

Don’t you think it makes perfect sense that you are worried about raising it again years later?

I will write a letter, I think it may be a good thing for me. I always try to stay so throng and don't like to show any weakness (hence this post) , but think I may need to.

Yes is always the same problem, it does make sense and I can't see it working out any differently to be honest but I really want it to. I think they may be the way we communicated

I find writing it out cathartic anyway, and you can scrawl out bits and rewrite it. It might hp you get clarity on what is really going on. Remember lots of emotions mask each other and fear is normally at the route. What are you scared of?

I don't know what I'm scared of but that makes sense, I am scared of something.

Try the letter, you might be surprised what you write. Give yourself time and space to do it and just literally vomit words onto the page. No one will read it unless you want them to

I’d say these are the important things;

• you have not been happy for years

• you have tried to raise it with him in the past but he turned it into you and it wasn’t resolved

• since that time you have completely shut down and pretended to be ok and just tried to go along with what he wants

I’m sceptical that that kind of relationship can be made better as it is very hard to solve such engrained problems and such long standing resentments... but maybe it is worth thinking about what a happy relationship looks like to you.

You would need to be a lot more confident and he would need to be a lot more considerate IMO from what you have said.