I think I have a pointless relationship

[Misssam]

Hi everyone

So I have been with my partner for almost 17 years and we have 2 amazing children, we get on ok most of the time, we do occasionally go out for evenings away and we both enjoy it but on a general day to day basis we barely speak and we have no physical intimacy at all other than (excuse the tmi) when he asks for something sexual maybe once a fortnight.

He says I don't make the effort and I think the same about him, I think I love him and I want it to work but I feel I can't be myself 100% when I'm around him. I feel very unattractive to him and myself and have started to miss being wanted and loved (I don't know if he loves me)

Anyway I know all of this is very jumbled and probably doesn't make sense but just writing it down makes me feel a bit better.

How do I fix it we don't find it easy to open up to each other or admit our feelings and we tend to put up defensive barriers if either one of us trying to point out a fault in the other.

Thanks for reading.

This is going no to make me sound crazy but sometimes I wish he would cheat on me or do something terrible so I had an excuse to request we change things dramatically or even end things and I would have a valid reason (🤪 I know how mad that sounds)

It kinda does and doesn't. There is something about needing a crisis and I do think some people cheat etc to create that crisis. Because you can't just leave because it's ok but shit can you, I mean what would people think??

It does not sound mad.

It is a symptom of feeling powerless.

I used to hope my husband would be knocked off his motorbike... which is AWFUL... much worse...

Relate will help you communicate and get out of the rut you've inadvertently fallen into.

Thank you so much to you guys, even just talking it through a bit has helped to feel a bit better about the situation, there is something quite lovely about strangers giving advice and helping out x I appreciate it.

I am off work this week for half term so I am going to write a letter to him (and maybe not give him it) but get my thoughts clear in my head then I will hopefully be able to think about what is best for us as a family and me as a person x

Good luck Missam. Just remember your feelings are valid whether he likes them or not xx

Thank you so very much x

Hi OP, Google John Gottman's credentials, books, YouTube etc. He's an expert, I'd start reading.

To varying degrees, your problem is quite common and afflicts many couples. You are not alone. It is however, a serious problem that requires you to put in some hard work - both mentally and emotionally and in many other ways as well.
I'd suggest you try to keep a journal for a week to start with. record your feelings and thoughts honestly.
It takes 2 to tango, so its highly likely you are contributing just as much or even more to the current dynamic of your relationship. Therefore, begin to see the relationship itself (i.e both of you) as needing fixing - rather than him.
The purpose of this ground work is to move towards restoring or establishing intimacy. You may also want to consider spending a long weekend apart just so you create a bit of distance as you might be taking each other too much for granted. Time apart might help you to remember how much you mean to each other and that might draw you closer. Also ask yourself how accepting are you of him and his weaknesses; What is it exactly that prevents you from being vulnerable to him? journal all this as honestly as you can, but void finger pointing or a blaming tone.

I have a few more stuff that might get you started but let me know what you make of this. The idea is to try and fix yourself first before fixing another person.

Dr Emily Nagoski

She's also an author.

Brilliant advice thank you, I did think this is probably the case and I don't just blame him at all o am going to have some serious thinking to do this week and I I will maybe take him out for a meal and try discuss a few of our concerns not to bombard him but to explain that I want us to be close and we both need to work at it x