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Relationships

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Original poster

What is a ‘normal’ reaction to seeing this?

39 replies

suckysnow · 13/02/2018 11:27

Been seeing a guy about 3/4 months, but have known him 2 years before that. It’s got serious quite quickly because of our shared social group, we see each other most days even for just a coffee or something. Talk on and off all day - so quite intense I would say.

Have just seen on Facebook he has commented on a girls photo and put “why hello sexy 😍” and I feel strangely offended. I know who the girl is and I am vaguely confident there is nothing going on (she lives abroad) it just feel it’s a bit disrespectful?

Am I overreacting? I’ve been single 10 years before this and have had a lot of counselling after an abusive relationship previously, so am aware I need to analyse my reactions to things sometimes.

OP posts:

MagicFajita · 13/02/2018 11:29

It doesn't matter what a normal reaction is. If it bothers you then it bothers you.

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 11:30

Gosh my ex use to do this! Couldn't see a problem and told me it was "banter?!" He commented on a woman's photo "you looked sexy the other day" how on earth is that banter?

Original poster

suckysnow · 13/02/2018 11:33

See I can be offended on your behalf Dancing - what a knob! It’s on my own behalf I can’t figure out my boundaries cos my past has screwed me over so much.

I’m going to talk to him later I think and just ask how he would feel if he saw i had written that.

I just feel all urgghhhhh now :(

OP posts:

AmberTopaz · 13/02/2018 11:36

I think the ‘normal’ bit depends on what you do with this information. Normal to feel mildly offended - yes. Normal to say to him ‘hey! Watch it with the online flirting, how would you feel if I called your mate Dave sexy?’ - yes. Normal to keep an eye open for inappropriate behaviour - yes (but you’d do this anyway with an early relationship).

Overreacting would be to have a massive go at him, forbid him to comment on any female friend’s FB post again etc.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/02/2018 11:37

Agree with Magic - your feelings are your own and if it bothers you then that's entirely valid.

It's a difficult one to broach with him though, as I suppose he hasn't really done anything wrong and saying "oi, I don't like you calling anyone else sexy on FB" is a difficult conversation to have. Would you feel comfortable having a chat about how you weren't expecting to react the way you did and were surprised at the strength of your reaction and seeing what he says?

It wouldn't bother me particularly because some people are just more demonstrative / flirty / affectionate with friends than others: I know I'm prone to using "lovestruck" emojis etc on the FB photos of friends and commenting with ironic affectionisms and am actually only wondering now whether some of their partners may have a problem with it. It's absolutely meaningless on my part.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 13/02/2018 11:40

My reaction would be disappointment. It would say to me that the relationship was not serious in his eyes. Recalibrate your emotional involvement...you may be the good enough for now girl which can be a two way street. Keep it casual, steer it towards friend zone again. Keep looking. Sorry

mindutopia · 13/02/2018 11:59

It depends on the context, I think. That is certainly something I could see saying to a few of my close male friends (to be fair, they are nearly all gay). But it would depend if it was said in a teasing way to a good, lifelong friend or in a perving way to some woman he barely knows and is checking out. It also just depends on if that's how he talks to people. Definitely I have a group of female and male friends who I might say something like that to in context (we've known each other a long time, we work in professions where people might jokingly talk to each other like that, etc.). My dh on the other hand has several good female friends but they are much more conservative and it would be really off the mark for him to talk to them like that. It would come across as inappropriate and creepy. So I think it really can depend and I would want to know more about the nature of how they interact and how he generally interacts with his female friends before I'd know how I feel about it.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 13/02/2018 12:12

I wouldn't like that all. I think you've got every right to be offended! Can you talk to him about it or do you feel its too early in the relationship? I think if you don't let him know you find it unacceptable now you're setting a precedent for the future.

Original poster

suckysnow · 13/02/2018 12:16

I think your response Amber was really useful (everyone’s was actually, sorry that came out wrong!) as my knee jerk reaction was to dump and run away, whereas your response seems much more measured and reasonable.

I’ve had spidey senses about the girls who photo it is before, they have helped each other through their respective break ups and she was meant to be visiting him over Easter but isn’t any more. They talk a lot though, and he commented once while I was there and she rang that he wouldn’t get it as she liked him to talk to her on face time till she fell asleep. I dunno, I just feel really sad and dissapointed.

That said - I also have loads of male friends who I would have said an “eh up sexy” type comment too (usually when they were gurning or looking rough though!) I can’t work out how I feel about it!

OP posts:

Original poster

suckysnow · 13/02/2018 12:18

I can / will def talk to him about it. We were friends before which is how it’s progressed so quickly into something serious.

Thank you for all replying. I was driving myself mad trying to figure it out by myself.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 13/02/2018 12:24

It is the context. If it was a joke "sexy" comment (e.g. She was up to her eyeballs in DIY stuff, old gardening clothes etc) then I would see nothing in it. If it was a photo of her all glammed up, then I would feel uncomfortable.

However, the FaceTime talking until she falls asleep is much more concerning. This suggests a significant level of emotional intimacy and trust that I wouldn't be comfortable with.

I would start to cool it.

G120810 · 13/02/2018 18:01

Are you seeing each other or in a relationship if seeing each other then he can comment anything he likes but if in a relationship no that's wrong maybe have the discussion of where you are headed and what's the future ure over protective of ureself due to past relationship and that's understandable but don't over reacting to everything ask him and listen to response I do how ever find the fact this friend needs him to talk to her till she falls asleep this should not happen if u are in a relationship as it's weird and tell him it is

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 13/02/2018 18:08

I hate this type of thing. DH doesn't have Facebook but I am friends on it with a woman he works with. She's a tendency to post pics from nights out of them both with love heart emojis etc. Also puts up pics of meals and cakes she has made "for their dinner" if they are on lates together. Oh, and refers to him as her favourite boy. Drives me mad but I know it's just her (stupid) way and nothing going on. Some people are just very lovely dovey and don't think about how it might feel to others as nothing untoward is going on.

Boredboredboredboredbored · 13/02/2018 18:11

Are you seeing each other exclusively or is it a casual set up? I've been dating somebody exclusively for 4 months now and would find this very disrespectful to be honest.

Original poster

suckysnow · 13/02/2018 18:30

It’s exclusive, he’s a dad from school (divorced last year) so because our kids know each other, I know his ex wife etc, we had to have a chat quite early on about where it was headed and what we both wanted.

I have been feeling out of sorts about it all day to be honest. He’s been at a social event today and has been drinking, so I don’t really want to broach it today, but I do need to say something.

I think disrespected is exactly how I feel, I think it’s an innocent comment, but our mutual friends will see it and it just makes me feel shite. The falling asleep on phone thing, she’s much younger and I think he feels protective of her. When he told me he said it was a pain in the ass, but that was as far as it went. He wasn’t hiding it, if you see what I mean?

OP posts:

aftertheevent · 13/02/2018 20:14

talks to her whist she falls asleep? Of course he thinks shes sexy and wishes there was more to it. I would not be happy at all. To think he doesn't mean it is delusional.

aftertheevent · 13/02/2018 20:17

Protective of her? No no no. He did it because he wanted to and it wasn't a pain in the arse. Hes lying and you are believing him because you want to.

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 21:08

Trust your gut OP.

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 21:10

The falling asleep on phone thing, she’s much younger and I think he feels protective of her.

How old is she? How old is you bf?

Haggisfish · 13/02/2018 21:12

Yes the talking till she fell asleep would bother me more. That andcthe comment would prob put me right off. I’d feel runner up iykwim.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2018 21:14

The hello sexy done so publicly would make me think it was a joke. Just his normal banter. The talking till she fell asleep would make me very uncomfortable. That's very intimate.

How old are they?

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/02/2018 21:16

He fancies her, feels protective of her - he has feelings for her.

I would be furious and let him know.

I don’t think it’s looking good for the relationship tbh but I guess see how he responds to what you say.

You’re not over-reacting. It’s the same as if you and he were on a date and ran into her, and he proceeded to tell her how hot and sexy she looks in front of you.

Original poster

suckysnow · 13/02/2018 21:29

She is mid twenties and he’s mid 50’s.... I know. I know. It sounds like sleeze central.

I don’t know how to explain the sleep thing, he has a lot of people (male and female) in his life like that. He’s relatively well known and people fawn over him a bit, he feels he lets people down if he doesn’t deliver on things.

I’m genuinely not trying to excuse it (honestly, I’m uncomfortable with it all which is why I mentioned it) but trying to explain the circumstances which I guess aren’t run of the mill ones.

He’s been out all day today at an event so is drunk and I can’t talk to him about it today. I feel very disconnected from him though, wish I could just talk to him and get it out my system, as I suspect I will say I felt disrespected and hurt, he will feel bad and say he didn’t realise and it won’t happen again. Is that wishful thinking?

OP posts:

another20 · 14/02/2018 00:20

Why did his marriage break up?
What was his relationship history before that?

blackchina · 14/02/2018 00:28

@suckysnow LTB. Bin him. NOW.

You are worth more than this shoddy treatment.

And a man in his 50's making comments like this to a woman half is age is a special kind of weird. He feels 'protective' of her? Why? Is she is daughter??? his niece??? No. So why?

You can give him a chance to 'explain' if you wish, but I don't see anything good coming from it. This guy is a sleazebag.

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