So unhappy in my marriage

[Seabreeze1]

I'm need addvice I've been married for 12 years and together for 18 and have a lovely home and 2 gorgeous children but im so terribly unhappy .i dont love my husband anymore and havent for a long time there is no sexual attraction for me and do t know when we last had sex ..i used to just do it for him but woukd find myself rolling over and crying after it it made me feel so bad and has now got to the point I can't make myself do it anymore.. I feel guilty I feel like this about him he's a wonderful man and everyone loves him but I just can't make myself love him and don't think I will get that back ..im scared of hurting him and scared of starting over as we have alot and no I'll be left with nothing if I leave him..should I just keep going for the kids and hope that I'll find him attractive again??

Nope, you leave.

It's not fair on you or him. He must be aware how you feel about sex and how you cry afterwards.

I stayed in my miserable marriage because I thought I'd be left with nothing. I wish I'd left sooner as I'm doing just fine.

I know it's more unfair on him I think I feel worse because there's no real reason for leaving him and so worried I'm ruining a marriage and worried about my kids I'm from a big family and all happily married and think this makes me feel more guilty letting everyone down .

I don’t feel as bad as you OP but I do feel very bored (I am hoping it’s just a long phrase). Could it be hormonal why you cry?
It’s not my DH’s fault but his job involves a very early wake up and an hour and a half drive/commute every day so when he gets home he is shattered and for for nothing and seems quite content existing staring at the tv all night, every night and all weekend. He is a god provider and I just work p/t. He will do something on a weekend if I suggest it push him into it but I am fed up of this. Also he bought a dog mainly for my for DD 5 years ago so we are more restricted in what we can do with this. He also was made redundant so has had a drop in earnings. He/we used to be much more spontaneous. We are now lucky if we go out as a couple one or twice a year which when we do it is lovely but we have no family support. I feel like drudge most of the time and I have put on a lot of weight my libido has gone (but is likely due to menopause and a could of health. Conditions) but in the last couple of weeks I have joined a couple of dance/exercise keep fit groups and I am going out on my own much more with friends hoping he will take the hint. To me life is for living and I don’t want to stay in every night and all weekend existing like I am in a care/rest home.

I've been struggling with a similar situation for some time now and have finally told my husband I want us to separate. We're right at the beginning of the process and I know it's going to be hard but I realised I couldn't stay being miserable because of what other people might think.

Another way I'm trying to look at it is that yes, my husband is a good man, and so he deserves someone who loves him as a wife should. Might it help to try and see it from the point of view that you are setting him free to have a happier life? And you too? We are at a horrible stage of trying to work out how we will separate for the best outcome for both of us and the DCs, and I'm trying to project forward to a future point in a few months/years when everything will be OK. It's so hard though. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding it together.

Surely this isn't what marriage is about ..i see other people who have been married longer and still have chemistry I'm not afraid to work at it I think I've done that for years and I'm not someone who gives up easily ..hes just been away for 3 weeks with the kids which was so very hard but i knew i had to let him as it was a trip overseas to see him family and I missed my kids that goes without saying but I really didn't miss him I felt the most content and happy I had in years and now he's back im crying everyday again and wake up every morning with a headache and can't get out of bed ..i just need to bite the bullet I think

You need to talk to him OP. You can't go on like this. You don't have to be unhappy or stay in a marriage that isn't working.

i just need to bite the bullet I think

I don't think that you do. Have you talked to him about this Seabreeze? Look I am not one for jumping to break down a marriage. Its bloody hard work sometimes. And its monotonous yes. But you shouldn't be comparing your marriage to what you think look like perfect relationships. I can tell you from experience, what looks good for the outside, isn't always the case. But from the sounds of things, this isn't just a recent thing.

On the other hand, life is very short to be living unhappy.

I am currently going through a divorce right now. Some days are great. Some days are dreadful, like today....

I think communication is your first step OP, he may well feel the very same as you.

I used to cry after sex, every time. And it's not true that he 'knows' it's perfectly possible to hide it. The reason I cried was because of the coldness and huge emotional distance between us. We've split now, and I realise he stopped caring about me 10 years ago. He found a new girlfriend after 2 weeks - we'd been together 17 years. I loved him deeply and he felt nothing for me.

Sorry about the ramble, but I just wonder whether your problem is just a lack of sexual attraction, or if there's another problem in the relationship. I'd advise talking it through with a counsellor to identify what you're really feeling, even before discussing it with him.

Does he not notice that you cried after sex? Did he not care? This is what jumps put at me!! Has he not noticed how utterly unhappy you are? He's either ignoring it or just doesn't care.
Have you spoken to your gp? I left my first husband convinced it was all about our relationship, but discovered that i was actually depressed and projecting. That said he'd noticed i was miserable but didn't care as long as he had clean socks and sex, so all for the best!

Leave him OP. Unfortunately it sounds like you have just fallen out of love with this man and i doubt very much you will fall back in love with him. You sound like you're doing a good job of hiding your feelings just now but you won't be able to hide them forever.
How old are your DC?
My mum was i think pretty much in your situation and after years of being unhappy in her marriage she landed up having an affair. Now everyone resents her for that even though it is clear how miserable her marriage was but if she had left at your stage she wouldn't of done that. Not at all saying that i think you're going to cheat on your dh but i think my mum always just stayed thinking it would get better but it only got worse to the point she didn't really care anymore.

I don’t know actually. Clearly things can’t continue the way there are at the moment but it sounds like he is a nice man? If he is and there is nothing apart from the falling out of love then I wonder if therapy/couples therapy/sex therapy might help? Of course life is too short to be unhappy but presumably you loved your DH once and found him sexually attractive. Maybe those things could come back with work. I don’t mean because of what other people think but just for you. Divorce is tough.

As an aside, I know my DM said she wanted to leave DF when she was peri menopausal. HRT massively changed things for her and they are still together 25 years later.

Thank you fall all your advice peeps..it really helps I've tried counciling myself and ended up on antidepressent for awhile but took myself off them I've realised that's not going to help.undoutably one of us will have an affair I don't know how he hasn't he get no affection from me ..i do think it's my hormones I'm only 39 but makes me sad that I've had no love or affection for years and feel I'm to young for a relationship without sex or affection..he knows I'm unhappy but just doesn't understand why but no really have no explanation which I guess is worse if feel my life's f hold and has been for years and affects my ability to bed good mum ..my kids are only 7 and 9 but they do notice and find me crying which isn't good for them either.

I appear to have found my people. I told my husband in November that I didn't love him anymore in the way a wife should and that I needed him to be with someone who did. He used to be a horrible man but spent years trying to improve himself. It made no difference - my feelings were already gone and wouldn't come back. I too used to cry after sex but not where he could see. He would have been gutted.

It's the trickiest of situations as it's all about how you feel rather than what the other person is doing to make you feel that way. He wants me to carry on pretending and has even given me permission to have affairs if I stay. I can't do that, I'm only 39, too young to give up the rest of my life. Feels like the ultimate in selfishness as I have young children (5 and 3) but it was affecting me badly. I was so unhappy.

I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen once the kids grew up and left home. I was dreading it and it's over a decade away!! In the end I decided life was just too short to stay together just for the kids and convenience. But things are very bad right now as he is struggling to accept it, won't move out and is lashing out verbally and I can understand that, he's devastated.

All I can do is think of better days ahead. Don't want to wish my life away but I'm hoping things will be better by Xmas.

Vanillarose that just sounds like me ..tour being so brave and make a very brave desicion I think it takes a strong women to do that and I'm sure things will get better x

No good advice unfortunately but I am in a similar situation, same length relationship, children and don't think I love husband any more, definitely don't fancy him.

I used to have sex with him for him and have decided about a month ago I can't do that anymore as I feel it's really bad for my mental health. I have felt like this for a year.
I am in the situation now where I feel torn between wanting (perhaps selfishly) to be happy and feeling guilty for the kids.

Surely a happy Mum makes for a better one? Instead of one who I sad and looking on line for answers too frightened to look inside myself.

Bit rambling I know trying to gather my thoughts but just wanted to send you strength and let you know you are not alone.

The only difference in my situation is my husband has done things over the years to contribute to my feelings, do you think it's possible you may have small resentments which have grown or do you think you have just grown apart?

for you IndecisiveMummy. I can relate to every word you wrote. I spent two years looking online for answers until I ultimately realised there was just no way I could get the love back. I read 'I love you but I'm not in love with you', I tried exercises I found online and I kept a smile glued to my face. I was determined I would stick it out for another 10 years. But one day it just came out of my mouth. The timing was terrible and I didn't mean for it to come out when it did. I felt tremendous relief in the days following but three months on, I'm living with his crushing sadness and that's not great either. I keep thinking that the only way is to go through it to get to the other side. Haven't told the children yet.

Seems like there are a few of us about!

Vanilla rose that is exactly where I am at. We can't agree on living arrangements or anything and I don't want to tell the children about us splitting until we have worked out some practicalities as I don't want to confuse them.

I am also in the same kind of situation. I have told my h how I feel and that I can't bear to carry on like this but it is going to be very difficult to separate. We have complications like him being from a different country and we only moved here recently so I'm not sure if he could even stay here easily if we divorced. I also separated from him once before already so feel even worse about the DC (6 and 4) that I'll be putting them through this again but I can't live a lie for the rest of my life, I don't like spending time with him, feel we have nothing in common and feel no sexual attraction towards him at all. For now we can't afford to separate though as to rent and pay bills for 2 places, plus travel back to his country etc, is just impossible.

@Seabreeze1

Have you told your DP EVERYTHING? Just how desperately unhappy you are?

No bibbidee probably not I find it to hard and upsetting to talk about it so tend to only ever bring it up when we've had too much to drink then just ignore it the next day and just try and get on with it again ...and it's ok for a bit then I just can't cope it just seems to go round in circles....he really doesn't tjink anything's wrong other than our sex life ...but I think he really doesn't know me anymore..

I'm sorry for all you other ladies going through he same thing especially with little kids like me.x

I am also feeling very much like this. My husband is a lovely man but I don’t fancy him at all and take little pleasure in his company these days. I like him as a person and he’s a great father but I definitely don’t feel about him the way I should.

We have grown pretty far apart over the years, our communication is pretty awful and we only really talk about the surface stuff and the children. I am bored to tears and life feels very grey.

I suppose it could be fixable but what I’m struggling with is whether I want to. All the big stuff is left to me anyway, I sometimes feel like he’s a passenger in our lives and this will be another thing left to me.

Is it enough reason though, that’s what I am struggling with. Do people end marriages and disrupt lives because they don’t fancy their spouse or they are bored? I just feel so selfish.

Hugs to everyone in this situation.

but I think he really doesn't know me anymore..

Well how could he? You don't talk to him other than when you've had a drink. Hardly the best situation to discuss marital problems. You've lost intimacy (in to me you see). How can he see in to you when you've effectively shut up shop? You might conceal your feeling because they will hurt him but if you leave this will hurt him more. Tell him exactly how you feel, let him decide how he receives the news. You never know, he might feel the same and you both might be able to comfort each other.

Bibbidee I know your right we need to sit down and talk