So unhappy in my marriage

[Seabreeze1]

I'm need addvice I've been married for 12 years and together for 18 and have a lovely home and 2 gorgeous children but im so terribly unhappy .i dont love my husband anymore and havent for a long time there is no sexual attraction for me and do t know when we last had sex ..i used to just do it for him but woukd find myself rolling over and crying after it it made me feel so bad and has now got to the point I can't make myself do it anymore.. I feel guilty I feel like this about him he's a wonderful man and everyone loves him but I just can't make myself love him and don't think I will get that back ..im scared of hurting him and scared of starting over as we have alot and no I'll be left with nothing if I leave him..should I just keep going for the kids and hope that I'll find him attractive again??

I left after an unhappy marriage, the journey has been very hard! My ex now has a new gf and baby and I assume happy which makes me sad as that's what we had years ago.

But.. I'm with a new man and experiencing life so very differently, I'm no longer stressed and very happy.

You have to talk to him so that you don't walk away with regrets.

I feel for you all, my DH did some crappy stuff 11 years ago (emotional affair) that I only found out about 15 months ago, also has pretty hefty secret porn habit that he doesn’t know I know. He has tried a lot harder in helping and being less moody/aggressive etc in last 15 months but something inside me has I know’died’ , I’ve never been that sexual in last 10 years but now feel even less so and whilst I like him as a person a lot I don’t think I can ever feel the same ‘romantically’ and I think would prefer to be on my own, I think he deserves someone too who can feel 100%. I am still in limbo and undecided as I know it would devastate him after over20 years and it’s not a nice feeling at all

yetmorecrap

re your comment:-
"I am still in limbo and undecided as I know it would devastate him after over20 years and it’s not a nice feeling at all"

I think you have been in limbo for a long time. Do not however, let the sunken costs fallacy as well keep you within such a relationship because a bad investment is not going to suddenly become good.

Why do you think he would be devastated at all, you are not him so cannot speak for him. He probably would be "devastated" simply because his cook, cleaner and bottlewasher has now had enough of him so he will have to do those things himself.

What about you though? Are you not allowed to be devastated?. Stop putting yourself last because you seem to be doing a good job of doing that already and besides which he is not God Almighty here. He is a man who has had an emotional affair and has used porn. He has disrespected you and tjhis marriage long enough.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like this?. No you would not. Stop doing your bit here to show them that a loveless marriage could be their norm too.

Attila, it’s a bit more complicated, as it involves my job /our business etc and if I decide to leave I need to put myself in the best position so ducks in a row and all that stuff

OP, why do you say you'd be left with "nothing" if you split?

Any property and assets of the marriage will be divided if you split (unless there's some form of pre-nuptial agreement?) Due to the age of your DC it wouldn't be uncommon for the agreement to see you staying in the family home with the kids until the youngest finishes school, at which point the property is sold and the equity split.

Unless he has the DC 50% of the time, he'll also need to pay maintenance. You can use the calculator on the entitledto website to work out roughly how much he'd be paying.

You cannot stay in a marriage that makes you so unhappy that you're literally crying every day. Your DC must be feeling scared and sad to see you like this. They will be far better off with two separate but happy parents.

@Seabreeze1
@yetmorecrap

Watch this:

Dr Nagoski is also an author. Go google her credentials.

I feel the same

I feel the same 😓

Does he still ask for sex, get frustrated when he's not having it? If he still wanted sex with you, this would be very hard for him to suppress entirely and would occasionally spill over into him getting upset about it. Since, by the sound of it, he stopped asking for it or getting upset about
he's probably lost sexual attraction to you as well. The feelings you describe are likely mutual.

Can anyone update on this thread as to where they are now?