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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Giving oh space

47 replies

1940gal · 12/02/2018 14:26

Thoughts appreciated...

So I'm driving my OH crazy. I've been off work for a few months now with spinal fractures, and I'm waiting on surgery. I'm fairly immobile.... can't drive at present and can only walk short distances with crutches and a spinal brace.

My OH has said several times that they are sick of the sight of me at home.... which I appreciate to a degree.... but I literally can't get out anywhere.

How can I give my OH more time alone???

OP posts:
underthestarrysky · 12/02/2018 14:28

What a nice OH you have...

Why can't they go out?

MyKingdomForBrie · 12/02/2018 14:31

Sick of the sight of you?! What a horrible person! Tell him or her to sod off out then.

FetchezLaVache · 12/02/2018 14:32

One of you can freely move about, the other can't.

It seems fairly obvious to me which should be the one of you to go out for a while if sick of sight of other.

I get that maybe he just wants his home to himself for a while, but he needs to grow up, grasp the fact that you can't physically go out to give him a couple of hours by himself, and stop being so fucking nasty to you.

I wish you a speedy recovery Flowers

Snowydaysarehere · 12/02/2018 14:32

Tell him to go for a nice walk and don't come back... Not the sort of 'd' h that is worth hanging on to I feel op.
Have you got anyone pleasant nearby who can cheer you up today?

mumonashoestring · 12/02/2018 14:38

Buy them some noise cancelling headphones and a large bucket to put over their head.

Gods there are some bloody horrible people out there. Even if having someone else around all the time is driving you scatty you don't tell them that when they're not able to do anything else.

TheNaze73 · 12/02/2018 14:52

Although not put the nicest way, I do understand where he’s coming from. Could he not go out more or spend more time in a different room? If he energises on his own, like a lot of people do need to do, then going out isn’t an option. The way he’s put this across to you though, wasn’t nice.

ravenmum · 12/02/2018 15:03

Are they always that unpleasant? Surely you must be sick of the sight and sound of them? Do you have a room that you can hide away in so as not to have to hear their horrible comments? Maybe watch a bit of Netflix, order yourself in a pizza? Do they never go out and leave you alone?

Original poster
1940gal · 12/02/2018 15:07

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies....

So my OH is also female And we've been together 7 years and have two boys (11 And 13). They are with us Tuesday to Saturday (And at their dad's Saturday pm til Monday pm).

She goes out every Tuesday evening with some friends for a catch up.... generally to her mum's on a Saturday for coffee... and Sunday she goes to a swimming club for most of the morning.

I've tried almost hiding upstairs when she comes in from work.... trying to do silly things, I e....ill leave the ironing until 0530 to start it, so I can be out of sight for half an hour when she comes home.

Like I say....im waiting on surgery but that's not until later on this year. I try and keep myself busy in the day ( bearing in mind everything takes me a lot longer to do just at the moment).

The other issue is that I'm 'boring.... I.e... I'm not out and about and at work, so I have nothing 'interesting' to say at present
:( .... I've tried keeping quiet, but that ends up as 'are you in a mood?!'.... and ive tried 'oh I've tried a new recipe/ there was such and such on the news/ etc'.... but nothing seems to work ... :(

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 12/02/2018 15:30

It can be hard when you're in each others company more than usual for whatever reason and it sounds like you're being more than reasonable in acknowledging this. Your DP however is being a bit of an arsehole about it. Time to stick up for yourself. Challenge her.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 12/02/2018 15:32

God, she sounds like a delight!

What a horrid unsupportive thing to say to you.

Is she often so cruel and thoughtless?

Original poster
1940gal · 12/02/2018 15:37

She's just not great at being supportive. . And never has been either.

So for example last week I offered to treat her to a spa day .... her response... 'no, I've no time for anything like that'....

My reply 'well what do you want?'

Her response 'I just want you out of my sight all the time '

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 12/02/2018 15:54

That's horrible OP, I don't like to ask this but has this only started since your injury or has she always been like this to some extent? At best it's really unkind, at worst abusive, how is your relationship generally?

hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2018 16:03

Well she just doesn't want you around at all anymore.
What are your options?
Do you have family close by who can help you at all?
Could you go to them for a couple of weeks to give yourself some headspace?
Are the DC adopted?
Or are they from previous relationships?

Original poster
1940gal · 12/02/2018 16:05

Until 18 months ago I would say we had an excellent relationship.... the usual ups and downs.... but nothing negative to speak of. 18 months ago we were at a social event and she befriended another lady who is much older and very wealthy. They struck up an intense friendship and our relationship started to crumble. My father died in June and that seemed to being us closer together again... then in September I fell from the kitchen extension roof (trying to pull ivy from the guttering) and sustained a fractured pelvis and spine....
Initially she was ok.... but then started to drift again

OP posts:
Original poster
1940gal · 12/02/2018 16:06

My mum lives abroad and my brother is 250 miles away....
The kids are hers

OP posts:
ravenmum · 12/02/2018 16:23

This is not "not supportive", it's actively nasty. Even if she's gone off you totally, at this time when you are stuck with her she should at least leave you in peace if she's got any human decency.

Do you talk to your brother much? Would he be able to help? Or your mum come over to visit for a few months? If you got help moving somewhere else would you be able to look after yourself there?

Original poster
1940gal · 12/02/2018 16:49

My brother has 5 kids all under the age of 7.... so although he's really supportive moving in wouldn't be an option.
Financially I'm in dire straits as I'm only receiving half pay at the minute...
We've had several 'blow outs' where I've asked her if she wants to end things....and each time she says no

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2018 16:53

Get onto CAB and find out what you would be entitled to in the way of housing, benefits, tax credits etc.....
You have no ties to her and you could leave.
Please don't put up with this.
Look at ways to get out.
This is not good and she is horrible to you.
When is your operation due to take place?

Original poster
1940gal · 12/02/2018 16:55

Hopefully at the end of june

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 12/02/2018 16:56

So if she's saying 'no' she doesn't want to end it, she has to stop acting like such an arse and start being nice to you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/02/2018 16:57

Ouch OP, that is a serious injury!

I know that being a carer can be very stressful, but there is being 'not great at being supportive' and being actively hostile when you literally cannot do anything about it.

Could you ask your GP about getting some kind of outside help/respite care? Would give you a break from the emotional outbreaks and might help her.

It sounds very stressful for you as well, when you've got enough to worry about.

Joysmum · 12/02/2018 17:04

Tell her you can see she’s frustrated and ask her what she believes you are capable of doing differently to improve things.

Then see if she comes up with anything practical or is just being a bitch!

If you can’t do anything differently according to her then ask what she will be doing differently to help the situation. Also make sure you tell her that the way she’s handling her frustrations is hurting you and that you don’t want to be incapacitated anymore than she does and expect an apology as you could never imagine treating her as you’ve been treated.

I’d be looking at your options outside of the relationship and be prepared for the fact she doesn’t want to fix anything and this is just limping on Sad

Shoxfordian · 12/02/2018 17:14

She wants you out of her sight?!

Why are you even together? She sounds awful

Chloe421 · 12/02/2018 17:17

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear of your injuries. This in itself must be tough to deal with on a daily basis without your partners ignorance on top of it. From what you have disclosed she sounds as though she has no respect for you or your experience whatsoever. Yes it can be tedious sometimes, consistently in one another's company. However this does not excuse the vile behaviour.

Original poster
1940gal · 12/02/2018 17:19

Before my accident I was really active.... obviously working full time, and I've always been a big walker, doing 5-10 miles a day. If go to orchestra once a week and I can't even do that at present. Driving is a big no no too just now . Throw into the mix I've out on nearly 2 stone due to steroids and inactivity! Rubbish :(
If the operation isn't as successful as I'm hoping it potentially means a termination of my employment... so there is an awful lot at stake just now :(

OP posts: