Am I over reacting here - dp and the dcs

[SoppySod]

I am a bit confused at the moment. Have been seeing dp for around 9 months now. I have 2 dcs, both older teens, one is about to move out in September, the other one likely to be at home for another 2 or so years.

At the moment, I see dp around twice a week - once during the week and once on the weekend. The child still at home spends every second weekend with his dad and on those weekends, I go and stay with dp. He lives fairly near me so it's not that difficult.

A friend of mine was asking this weekend 'what happens next' and I suppose in a way it's something I hadn't been thinking about so I had a chat with dp this weekend about what his plans were for me and him and he was absolutely adamant that he didn't want to live together with me till both dcs had left home (I wasn't asking him to, was just wondering what his thoughts were). He has no children of his own.

On a practical level I understand that but my point is even when they leave home, the dcs will regard anywhere I am as home and will need a space to come back! It's not like when they are gone they are gone.

I explained that to dp because I said if it's an issue having the dcs around at all then this relationship has to be a non starter. He is saying that's not the case, he comes round for meals when they are there and that's fine but it's not the same as living with them. I can't guarantee for example that dd doesn't fall out with her boyfriend and come back. And I certainly don't want to be in the position where I can't welcome my dcs into my own home!

I am not sure what to think now. Dp thinks I am creating issues where there aren't any and he's quite worried that he's really upset me. He said he has no issues with the dcs but he's a very tidy and organised man who has no dcs of his own and just doesn't want to have dcs around full time and that even once they leave, when they come back, it's probably not going to be permanent and at that point, we would pick a larger house together anyway where everyone would have their own space (at the moment he lives in a flat and I live in a v small house where we are all on top of each other). I am very worried that I carry on for 2.5 years (as there really are no issues in our relationship other than this) and then find my dcs are not welcome.

So put the acenario to him: he moves in with you, for some reason one of your children need to come back home, it could be for months or indeed years, is he really going to welcome them and not make them or you feel uncomfortable about it? What if one of them needed to come back with a small child?

As a “SF” (we’re not married) living with a 21 year old SS, I can tell you it’s not something to commit to lightly - especially if you’re tidy by nature and the SS isn’t (and boy, he really isn’t!).

Somehow it’s a lot worse when they’re not yours. Trashing the rooms, ignoring basic hygiene, eating anything “nice” before anyone else has had a chance to look at it, never clearing plates and cups away, waking the house up at 1am etc - it all grates so much more when they’re not yours.

If I’m honest, it’s almost got to the point, at times, where I’ve wanted to split up with my DP and go back to living on my own. He ignores his Mum and she’s pretty much given up trying, so I’m in a position where I pay the mortgage and a big chunk of the bills, but constantly feel uncomfortable in our house. Or that I’m stuck in a Groundhog Day of cleaning up after him, just so I can relax enough to sit down and switch off for a bit.

If your DP were one of my friends and he was telling me about the situation, then I’d also be telling him to wait before moving in.

oh I agree I am not saying move in now. But what I am worried about is that this becomes a non starter because he never wants to live with them. I did put a few scenarios to him and in his mind, in 2 and a half year's time they are older and it's different but how can I guarantee that?

I understand totally changedname, I get how you're feeling. I don't think my dcs would be that bad but I understand the friction it would cause.

also ds is quite tidy but dd is a bit like your SS - she wouldn't be inconsiderate but she doesn't 'notice' mess and dp sounds a bit like you and I know he would feel uncomfortable

I can imagine I would be in the position where I am running around trying to keep everyone happy. I would hope by then as adults my dcs would be ok but who bloody knows! And as you say, what happens if one has a baby etc. etc.

It’s like living, again, in student digs. I wasn’t that happy coping with other people’s messy habits back then, and I am WAY too old for that shit at this stage in my life!

I’ve known him for 5 years, he’s lived with us for 3.5. His Dad’s new wife couldn’t cope (they had him living there for less than a year), and last time I suggested he move back/out, she had a tantrum and his Dad moaned to DP that “oh so you’re kicking your own son out?!” - the irony of which was not lost on me.

Sorry, rant over lol. He’s obviously got his good points as well, but he’s bloody hard work to live with.

Does he actually like them? Do you all spend any time together? Guessing not because if he had any sort of 'time for them' he would be prepared to welcome them further into his life. Be as a short term guest /lodger in the future, or a long term fixture. My dh made the effort to get to know my adult dc from the beginning as he knew how important they are to me. Sounds like your dp has already decided your dc are an inconvenience to him tbh.

that does sound difficult changedname - at 21 you would hope he would take more responsibility for himself but I guess this is the problem with dcs!

Surely he can keep his mess to his own space? This is my thing with my dcs - if you have to make a mess, keep it to your own room

my dp is in his mid 50s and is also WAY too old for that sort of thing and what you outline is exactly his concern but I don't think my dcs would be that bad. But I also can't guarantee it. Whatever happens, I know my dcs would always be welcome in my home.

Maybe I should just not worry about it for now...but it does feel a bit like a cloud over the relationship...

Why can things just no continue as they are, even when kids move out? Just keep your own spaces, have your own postal address etc😊 Just stay over with each other a bit more and/or take some more trips together.
Living together is, as many of us know, not always a bed of roses. Having your own living space, can iron out a lot of creases snd give much needed alond time.

snowy, he does like them and they like him. He sees them when he comes round - we have dinner round the table etc. He was going to watch ds play sport but a game got called off etc. But I have to say the dcs are not particularly interested in him and vice versa.

I think he also sees my exh who has just moved in with his gf and the kids don't like it. She tries hard with them but if anything, it has driven them closer to me. And i think dp has also noticed this.

He does not want to play one big family. That's not his vision. He feels his relationship is with me - he has no problem with the dcs but I don't think he sees himself playing any sort of major role in their lives other than being their mother's partner.

I can't quite decide if that's an issue for me or not - what I can't have in any way is feeling they are not welcome in my own home. Snowy I think it's a concern that they feel or I may feel that he thinks they are an inconvenience. He's not saying that they are or that they are an issue or that they would not be welcome but just that he would prefer to move in with me when they have moved out. My concern is that they will always be my dcs and always welcome and like ChangedName's situation, you can't (and wouldn't want to) guarantee they weren't coming back at some stage!

I mean this nicely, but I think you are creating issues where none exist. At the moment your relationship works and that’s all that matters,

Looking further into the future op, yours as a dgm - how will that work? My dm had a bf who didn't live with her, when my dc went over he was like a rat out of a hole, made it a bit awkward, like dm had to choose, he didn't like dc /know how to interact with small people and it was as an odd scenario for all I must say. The relationship lasted a few years then dwindled off. I was told they were camping and he was being odd so she just went home. He thought she was in the shower block. Quite bizarre!!
My dh is 37and has embraced being a dgf to my dgs!!

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. My DC are much younger (10 and 7). I went through the stage of ultimately wanting to live together. I am not so sure anymore now. We spend a lot of time together anyway, he stays over 3-5 nights a week. But I see the benefit of maintaining separate homes, I don't know if I could cope with all his stuff unless our house was a mansion. The lack of vision "together" in the future bothers me a bit though. Maybe when we are in our 50s or so.

I do understand your DP's reluctance. Just take it day by day... But your DC have to come first.

I think your dp is being sensible.
Teenagers are very difficult to live with even when they are your own.
Like Changedname says when they are not yours it magnifys everything.

There's no rush to live together is there.

I’ve just ended a 5 year relationship, partly because of this issue. We talked through the whole living together thing, but came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t work and that we should wait until all our DCs are older.

However, even when they’re adults I can see his DDs expecting to come and stay whenever and he can’t say no to them. I ha a vision of my on my own in a flat and him in a big house where his DCs and their DCs all visit and I’m still an outsider because the alternative of feeling that I had no control in my own home is unbearable.

If that had been the only sticking point I would have worked around it, but with everything else it was just a compromise too far.

Living with someone else is hard enough even when you love them. Living with their relatives when you don’t have a close relationship with them is my idea of hell.

Why can't you still have a long-term relationship without living together?

When my dsis moved out in her late teens, she was around my parents most days still. She now lives a little drive away (50mins ish) but still comes over once a week or more, including when our parents arent in, if she happens to be passing by and is a bit early for everyone to be home. My parents like this. They get to spend a lot of time with their dgc's, etc.

Just illustrating that even when they move out, they may be at your house frequently (with dgcs leaving toys and mess everywhere etc), do your DP would be okay with that? If not then I think you have an issue, because realistically if your dc's have their own kids, you are probably going to want to see a lot of them and you are likely to have the most space to "host" at that time.

Also, I second just not living together. You can still built up to spending more time together without moving in.

I would build up spending more time together before moving in.

Also just something to think about - it's a possibility that your children could move back in at some point. I left home for university at 18, then moved to a different city straight after uni for 4 years, then moved back home to save money. My parents were okay with all of this and I of course paid them rent but I'm just pointing out in case you hadn't thought about the possibility.

I think you should also consider keeping separate homes as long as possible.

Many young people go back home after university or to save for a few years and I know several men who live with their parents post-divorce, two of them in their 50s!

Good point from the poster above re adult children living locally and popping in with the grandchildren every day. Lots of people live like that.

I love my partner, but the thought of living with him and our (separate) kids almost gives me a panic attack.

I agree with you that this may be a non-starter. You and your partner sound like you have mutually exclusive ideas of what the future looks like for you both.

I think when we're younger there's the implication that living together is inevitable in a couple. This is logical when we're planning a family etc.

As we get older I think more people get used to their own space and become less willing to compromise on that, especially if they've been on their own for a long time without children. Or if they're divorced and enjoying the autonomy! It doesn't mean the relationship you have is shite - it might just be that it can only be a "separate house" relationship. It's still comparatively early days anyway - just nine months and he hasn't ruled it out.

Who we are and our homes are knotted together. We relinquish a home and we give up something of ourselves (hopefully for something better, but it's a significant change).

Of course if his reluctance is a deal-breaker for you, or you're getting an alarm bell ting (him wanting a huge house he can hide in might be one, his fastidiousness might be another) then that's really tough.

Are you actually certain you want him to move in, or is it just that's what "couples do"?

I don't want him to move in now at all. I must be honest, i just never contemplated a future where I might have a partner who I didn't live with.

I guess with this particular man that might be the answer but I suppose it's not something I had considered. It's not a deal breaker but I had just never thought that might be the future for me and maybe I need to start thinking about it.

Because i work full time, that essentially means carrying on having a relationship where I see someone once/twice a week and don't regularly sleep in bed with them. I suppose I have never had a relationship like that. I have always lived with my partners, even from a fairly young age.

But I can see with dcs that becomes more complicated and maybe having separate spaces for us all is the answer

what you outline is exactly his concern but I don't think my dcs would be that bad. But I also can't guarantee it. Whatever happens, I know my dcs would always be welcome in my home.

I think this is the crux. Were you to find yourself in this situation, then we'd be talking not about children, but young to twenties adults - so yes, you should be able to say to your DP that you would expect to be able to guarantee that they would not be 'that bad'. That if one of your adult children were to move in with you, you would be perfectly ok with your DP expecting ground rules, tidiness, consideration for others - and indeed, you'd expect those standards for yourself let alone him. And that if that didn't happen, then you would be happy to hold your DC to the standards you hope you've brought them up with and tell them that if they want to live like overgrown teens, find a flatshare.

If you are saying that the bottom line is that if you ended up with boorish, rude, messy adults moving back in and causing havoc then yes, 'whatever happens' - you would ultimately let them destroy the peace in your home then yes, you need to tell your DP that now.

It shouldn't be 'whatever happens'. That's not good parenting either. If you've been a good parent, they would come to you expecting a certain standard of civilised behaviour or they'd be asked (as adults, don't forget!) to move on. If you're a good person to make a home with yourself, you should be able to agree with your DP that this would be the case.

You would however very much need enough space - they could be the tidiest most unobtrusive people in the world, but a number of separate adults living together in a small space isn't going to work!

As others have said, it's better for now and for the future to maintain separate houses. It'll mean your kids/grandkids will always have a home and you won't need to be worrying about them disturbing your oh etc. It also means that you get the excitement of date nights and seeing each other will be special without the issues of who's puling their weight with housework etc.