Am I over reacting here - dp and the dcs

[SoppySod]

I am a bit confused at the moment. Have been seeing dp for around 9 months now. I have 2 dcs, both older teens, one is about to move out in September, the other one likely to be at home for another 2 or so years.

At the moment, I see dp around twice a week - once during the week and once on the weekend. The child still at home spends every second weekend with his dad and on those weekends, I go and stay with dp. He lives fairly near me so it's not that difficult.

A friend of mine was asking this weekend 'what happens next' and I suppose in a way it's something I hadn't been thinking about so I had a chat with dp this weekend about what his plans were for me and him and he was absolutely adamant that he didn't want to live together with me till both dcs had left home (I wasn't asking him to, was just wondering what his thoughts were). He has no children of his own.

On a practical level I understand that but my point is even when they leave home, the dcs will regard anywhere I am as home and will need a space to come back! It's not like when they are gone they are gone.

I explained that to dp because I said if it's an issue having the dcs around at all then this relationship has to be a non starter. He is saying that's not the case, he comes round for meals when they are there and that's fine but it's not the same as living with them. I can't guarantee for example that dd doesn't fall out with her boyfriend and come back. And I certainly don't want to be in the position where I can't welcome my dcs into my own home!

I am not sure what to think now. Dp thinks I am creating issues where there aren't any and he's quite worried that he's really upset me. He said he has no issues with the dcs but he's a very tidy and organised man who has no dcs of his own and just doesn't want to have dcs around full time and that even once they leave, when they come back, it's probably not going to be permanent and at that point, we would pick a larger house together anyway where everyone would have their own space (at the moment he lives in a flat and I live in a v small house where we are all on top of each other). I am very worried that I carry on for 2.5 years (as there really are no issues in our relationship other than this) and then find my dcs are not welcome.

I think your dcs have highlighted that your dp maybe fixed and needs to have his life in a certain "tidy" way whereas you have had children and have learned to live more cooperatively and are familar with putting your needs lower at times.

I think this can be the critical difference between a parent and a non parent.Pretty early on we learn as parents that life with dcs is messy, not just house tidiness but your life often needs to be more reactive than pre dc.
I think you may lose more than you gain if you move in with dp.
All relationships cost us something but for them to work long term the core values must line up and the benefits must outweigh the downsides.
Feeling comfortable with your dc in a home is pretty fundamental to happiness.Your dp sees the dcs as a downside, whereas they are a blessing to you.

I think you don't live together or accept you are too different in lifestyles outlook.
I favour your approach as having dcs/family welcome and comfortable (but respectful) at home is top priority.I have done the walking on eggshells with an inflexible person and its horrendous.

I'd say living separately is the best option. Even if you do move in together eventually, you should both keep your own places, with one of you renting out theirs, so that if any unfortunate circumstance occur between you, you both still have your own properties to move back into.