Do I owe it to him?

[Ksyusha]

Good day everyone! Looking for some unbiased opinions so would appreciate any thoughts...
I have separated from my husband about 4 months ago. We got married young and quickly (have been dating for only about 5 months), stayed married for a long time (would have been 19 years tomorrow) and have 3 children (17, 15 and 7).
As any couple who stayed together long enough we had the good, the bad and the ugly... We have lived through kids infancy, immigration, his affairs (two that I know about), issues with extended family, difficult financial times etc.
He is a difficult person. Not abusive, not controlling, not lazy but quite arrogant, tactless, not respecting of others (including his own mother), not the greatest dad and with mild issues with alcohol. I was an easy wife, reasonable, easy going and not demanding, although we have had sex problems since our first child was born. My biggest mistake was keeping my dissatisfaction and unhappiness to myself, not discussing it with him (or anybody else for that matter). Over the years, we have become very distant and isolated, barely any conversation beyond kids/plans for the day, minimal physical contact, no cuddling/kissing, rare and not really satisfying sex. Only once (about 7 years ago) we had an honest conversation about our relationships and I was very clear saying that there is barely anything left to save and fight for. Back then he asked for another chance and we agreed to wait for 6 months and see how things are going. Time passed by but we never talked about it again. I was always too reserved and quiet and he was always perfectly fine with it.
The separation was my initiative. I have realized long time ago that I do not love or respect my husband but had no guts to leave. Last summer something clicked and I finally admitted to myself that I am not happy and if I don’t do something I will never be happy again, so I made the decision, talked to my husband and left two weeks later. He was asking me to stay and work on the relationships but I did not want to and was not willing to make an effort and force myself.
Now that some time has passed and my new life is somewhat settled I started to second guess if I had to try to work on things and get our family back.
If I’m honest, I do not think I miss him at all. I miss the idea of having a loving husband and stable relationship, feel sad because “live happily ever after” dream has not happened but that’s about it. Nothing has drastically changed in my life, I used to feel lonely and I still do. Talked to older kids today and they seem to have the same feeling-nothing really changed, dad has never really played a big role in their lives and it is still the case, they just do not see him every day. Youngest child seem to be the most affected by the separation but he seems to be coping fine, no huge issues with him so far.
Now I’m trying to decide if I owe my husband to try all over again?
On one hand, I do not feel like I need it and not even sure I want it, but on the other hand, we share long history together, I made the decision unilaterally and called it quits without trying... Without going to the counseling, without much talking and discussions, without making an effort to reinstate good relationships (aside from trying to pull through all these years, hoping that it’s just a phase and everything would pass).
I understand that the decision is mine to make, but I would be really interested to know what other people think about trying all over again not because the feelings are still there but because I feel that I owe him this as a last favor...
Thank you and I’m sorry for the long post

he had two affairs. I'd be out of there so fast he wouldn't see me.

He is asking you to "work on the relationship" when he didn't want to even make the effort to not have sex with other people. Bet he hates his comfortable life departing though.

You owe him nothing. Get some therapy to see why you feel you owe him anything at all.

I think you owe your husband not to try all over again actually. You owe it to both of you to give you the chance to find happiness and fulfilment in life in whatever form that may take for you.
Dont keep flogging a dead horse. Youve given it 19 years!!
You havent written anything in your post which suggests theres anything left to salvage. In fact its written as though your main reason for considering trying to make it work is that you arent massively happier being alone. And that is not a good reason to go back to a relationship that made you unhappy.

Finding happiness wont happen overnight but its unlikely to ever happen if you just go back to something which has made you unhappy for many years already.

And honestly would you really want someone to be with you out of a sense of duty? That sounds horrific.

It sounds like you gave him a second chance 7 years ago... he’s had a long time to show you he loves you. In your shoes I would move on, do what you need to be happy, and in time you will meet someone who will make the effort for you.
Leaving is hard, op, and people tend to assume you are happy if you made the choice; however there is often still a grieving process even when the relationship was awful. Habits are hard to break, an ltr can become a habit rather than what’s right.

Having got yourself out after so long, don't jump back in. You owe him civility as the father of your children, but you don't owe him being his partner.

I don't think you owe him another go. While you're feeling guilty about having made the decision without counselling and unilaterally, what efforts did he make to keep you? To apologise to you? To make you want to trust him?

Nah. You and the dc are happy enough without him.

Thank you pallisers. Last affair (that I know of) was 9 years ago so I kind of got over it (forgiven but not forgotten). I agree, I think he surely hates to see his life go away...
I am not ready to make an effort just to make him feel better but I want to make sure I won’t be hunted by guilt that I left without trying.

No, in a word! If you missed him, if you really wanted to try, for yourself then maybe but in your circumstances it's an absolute no from me.

I actually don't think you'd be doing him any 'favours', I wouldn't want someone to be with me because they felt they owed me something, would you?

It sounds like you and DC are doing fine and at least now you're free to do something about feeling lonely if you choose to (and of course so is he), that has to be better than being stuck in a lonely relationship with no hope of things changing.

If your OP sounded like you loved him and could see a new improved relationship evolving if you tried again then my reply may well be different but that's not what I'm getting here.

Stay separated. He's had 2 affairs too many.

If you’re thinking about this in terms of who “owes: who some effort, can you say what your husband has done to try and keep your relationship going? What effort he has put in? How has he “tried”? Have you done a lot less than him?

Nobody “owes” anyone a relationship. Even after two decades together. Possibly putting more effort into it 7 years ago when you had your one big talk would have been a good idea, but really only if he was doing so too - there is nothing more soul destroying than trying to save a relationship on your own. At this stage though, what you are describing is a relationship that is already lost. You don’t love him and it doesn’t sound like he loves you. What would be the point of trying again, other than to maintain his lifestyle?

windchimesabotage
I think you are right. There was a feeling of relief once everything was over but I do not feel “massively happier” now and that does scare me a bit. You are also right that it probably is not the right reason to go back.
Thank you.

Butterymuffin, we do not have much communication at this point, only about youngest kid changing hands on a weekend, but whatever we have is very civil. Knowing him I anticipated a lot of shit hitting the fan but I was actually surprised how civil he was...

HirplesWithHaggis, I don’t know what effort he made. I don’t think he went out of his way trying to make it up to me but on the other hand he was there... working, doing his (relatively fair) share of work around the house, not spending too much time with the guys in the pub or something like that. Tbh, I’m not even sure what would be considered a proper way to show that he can be trusted, apologetic and willing to make me feel loved

So he just carried on as normal?

No

BoomBoomsCousin,
You have asked really good question-what is the point of trying again. My answer would be - to give him a chance to show that he really loves me and our kids as much as said. Does he really loves us or just used to having us around? I do not know. But I have a gut feeling that latter. I am not saying he does not love kids at all, but it doesn’t feel as if they are the most important things in his life.
As for “who put more effort 7 years ago”, I am afraid none of us did. We were just going with flow, doing our own things and letting that invisible wall grow higher and higher.
I do not think I love him, there is nothing in my head or heart telling me otherwise.
When I said that I am leaving, he was telling me that he still loves me a lot and that he can’t see him with another woman or me with another man. I don’t know if this is true.
How do you know if someone truly loves you?

You all raise a good question-would I want someone to be with me because they felt they owed me something? No, I wouldn’t.
But is there a difference between “being with someone” and “give it a try” ?

HirplesWithHaggis - yes, pretty much. I do not recall anything going beyond “normal” behavior.

How do you know if someone truly loves you?
Maybe they don't mess around on you? He had a second chance and blew it, thus proving he loved pleasing himself more than he loved you and DC. If he hasn't tried to show you otherwise in the meantime, I think he's probably at the stage where affairs take that bit more effort, and he's not as bothered... So wants to keep on comfortably drifting as a family unit... Because it's easier.
He's had his chances, your time now.

He is asking you to "work on the relationship" when he didn't want to even make the effort to not have sex with other people.

This pretty much sums it up for me. It would have taken far more effort to have 2 affairs than it would have done to make your marriage, that he claims means so much to him, work.

His idea of "effort" differs massively from most peoples. You managed to make it through 19 years of marriage without trippping over and landing on another mans cock didnt you?

My answer would be - to give him a chance to show that he really loves me and our kids as much as said

But he's had 19 years to do that.

Why clutch at straws now?

Why not spend your time and energy in making a new life for you.

Look forwards not back.

Don't you owe that to you? Also as a role model for your kids - don't you owe that to them?

You have asked really good question-what is the point of trying again. My answer would be - to give him a chance to show that he really loves me and our kids as much as said.

If he does love you as much as he says, how does it change things? Do you want to stay in a relationship where he loves you but you don't love him? Do you think you should?

Also, can he not demonstrate his love for the children, at least, now without you in the home? How has he been doing on that front over the last 4 months?

I don;t think you owe him anything.

But if you want to try again I would say dating would be start, meeing yup without kids and doing date type stuff. If you lovd him once, and he you, you may be able to recapture that but if you never really loved each other then maybe not.

You also definitely need counselling, you need to find a new way to be together if that is what you want.

I am not sure it is best for you, or him, but if you want to give it a try, why not. But do not disrupt the kids or move back in, IMHO. Not until you really cannot bear to live apart.

And the whole sex thing, I think you need to work out what happened there and both heal from that and the affairs. It is a massive task, and only worth it if you both want it.

"How do you know if someone truly loves you?" He will place a higher value on your happiness than his own. I don't know that either of you truely loves the other but I believe love can be built up, if there is no abuse and there is a genuine desire to do this.

I think he does not sound at all like a great husband, but this leaps out at me, "My biggest mistake was keeping my dissatisfaction and unhappiness to myself, not discussing it with him (or anybody else for that matter)."

If you want a chance to work on it, then go for it, but keep the children out of it, IMHO. Good luck. XX

PyongyangKipperbang, you are probably right- it must have taken a lot of effort to maintain the first affair. It lasted for about a year, maybe a but more, so he had to juggle a wife, a toddler, a newborn and a lover... that looks like a lot of effort to me. I didn’t think of it from the perspective of what would have taken more effort- work on our marriage or keep the affair going... but I’m not sure it is relevant now.
And yes, I managed not to land on another man’s cock
(Although I found one for fun a few months after the separation )

Ps @Ksyusha to me the fact you have not been happy away from him suggests strongly there are unresolved issues.

Working these through , with him or without him, may help you move on and find happiness

Happiness with him, with someone else or alone.

Whether you 'try again' or not, I think counselling for you Will help you.