Good day everyone! Looking for some unbiased opinions so would appreciate any thoughts...
I have separated from my husband about 4 months ago. We got married young and quickly (have been dating for only about 5 months), stayed married for a long time (would have been 19 years tomorrow) and have 3 children (17, 15 and 7).
As any couple who stayed together long enough we had the good, the bad and the ugly... We have lived through kids infancy, immigration, his affairs (two that I know about), issues with extended family, difficult financial times etc.
He is a difficult person. Not abusive, not controlling, not lazy but quite arrogant, tactless, not respecting of others (including his own mother), not the greatest dad and with mild issues with alcohol. I was an easy wife, reasonable, easy going and not demanding, although we have had sex problems since our first child was born. My biggest mistake was keeping my dissatisfaction and unhappiness to myself, not discussing it with him (or anybody else for that matter). Over the years, we have become very distant and isolated, barely any conversation beyond kids/plans for the day, minimal physical contact, no cuddling/kissing, rare and not really satisfying sex. Only once (about 7 years ago) we had an honest conversation about our relationships and I was very clear saying that there is barely anything left to save and fight for. Back then he asked for another chance and we agreed to wait for 6 months and see how things are going. Time passed by but we never talked about it again. I was always too reserved and quiet and he was always perfectly fine with it.
The separation was my initiative. I have realized long time ago that I do not love or respect my husband but had no guts to leave. Last summer something clicked and I finally admitted to myself that I am not happy and if I don’t do something I will never be happy again, so I made the decision, talked to my husband and left two weeks later. He was asking me to stay and work on the relationships but I did not want to and was not willing to make an effort and force myself.
Now that some time has passed and my new life is somewhat settled I started to second guess if I had to try to work on things and get our family back.
If I’m honest, I do not think I miss him at all. I miss the idea of having a loving husband and stable relationship, feel sad because “live happily ever after” dream has not happened but that’s about it. Nothing has drastically changed in my life, I used to feel lonely and I still do. Talked to older kids today and they seem to have the same feeling-nothing really changed, dad has never really played a big role in their lives and it is still the case, they just do not see him every day. Youngest child seem to be the most affected by the separation but he seems to be coping fine, no huge issues with him so far.
Now I’m trying to decide if I owe my husband to try all over again?
On one hand, I do not feel like I need it and not even sure I want it, but on the other hand, we share long history together, I made the decision unilaterally and called it quits without trying... Without going to the counseling, without much talking and discussions, without making an effort to reinstate good relationships (aside from trying to pull through all these years, hoping that it’s just a phase and everything would pass).
I understand that the decision is mine to make, but I would be really interested to know what other people think about trying all over again not because the feelings are still there but because I feel that I owe him this as a last favor...
Thank you and I’m sorry for the long post 