8 years ago I met somebody whilst married. I’m still married now. The man I met was in process of separating and divorce. We became very bonded and very close. For ages I denied to myself that it was an affair as it was an emotional connection rather than physical although it did eventually get physical before we closed it all down. I told my DH that I was terrified as I had feelings for someone else. For some reason it sort of paralysed him. He didn’t really react and we drifted further apart. It was a living hell at home and so very lonely. All my own making of course. He was in a bad place and very down, career issues and money worries.
This other man was there for me. Endlessly kind. Advice re work, general bolstering up, books to read, music, encouragement with career stuff and he honestly kept me sane, making me laugh and being a kind, tender friend to me. I only really relaxed when I was with him. We’d meet sometimes after work for coffee or he’d pick me up from airport or station when I was travelling with work just so we could chat while he drove me home. He was very gentle and tender with me but also made me cry with laughter at times.
Now let me say I’ve read a lot about this and in allowing this connection to blossom I was being a complete bitch and letting my husband and marriage vows down. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and will feel endless guilt. Me and DH have hung on in there and we are pretty strong these days.
Eventually we came (or rather l) came to our senses and we stopped contact. I haven’t seen him for years. But. There has been email and occasional phone contact over the years. And it immediately falls into an easy sense of intimacy and understanding. He is respectful of my position and he has moved on and has a blended family situation in its infancy.
He did contact me recently to tell me about him moving in with his girlfriend and children. Said that he felt like he needed to tell me and that although he had let it all go he felt that what we had was a one off, that he still really misses me and that for him at the time he loved me very much. He seems to think it was only him but I feel exactly the same.
There was a day that he referred to when he said he didn’t want to ever feel so raw and opened up again. It was the catalyst to us both coming to our senses. The realisation of everyone we’d hurt. I didn’t hear for some time after that. He would send a birthday card to my office on my birthday. He’s never forgotten that and the odd book that he thought I might like, a print for my desk of an artist we’d seen at a gallery.
I’ve at times sought his counsel. I trust him completely. At any time he could have blown my life up but has only ever been kind.
The chemistry between us was insane. I never knew anything like it before or since. The strangest thing was that I had a heightened sense of everything yet my heart rate literally slowed and I felt completely safe and at home. Nothing ever jarred around him.
I still often dream about him.
I wonder if not doing something and being brave at the time will be my biggest regret. Was it just infatuation or was this love?
I’m the meantime I have a family, busy job and kind husband. I should be counting my blessings and I do. Everybody has moved on but I can’t shut down the what ifs completely.
Essay. Delete.