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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won’t speak to me

30 replies

OldHag1 · 11/02/2018 21:17

I separated from my STBEH over a year ago. He won’t communicate with me if I ask him something. if he needs something from me he will go through the kids to get whatever it is he needs/wants.

It is getting to be quite frustrating.

Does anyone else have to deal with an ex like this. What do you do to get a response from him? Judge said all legal documents were to stay with me but he won’t give back birth certificates or passports.

OP posts:
ANother27 · 11/02/2018 21:48

Sounds awful Thanks question tho why does he have birth certificates and passports? You need to get them back ASAP if it's court ordered etc

Original poster
OldHag1 · 11/02/2018 22:08

The court told me to give them to him so he could apply for new passports for them. Then he was told that they should be returned to me. I have asked and been ignored.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 11/02/2018 22:10

go to his door and get them.

Gemini69 · 11/02/2018 22:28

what a dick.... I agree ... go to his Door and ask for them back.. if he refuses .. you go back to Court Flowers

Original poster
OldHag1 · 11/02/2018 22:29

I would have to take the kids with me. He lives a 5 hour drive away too.

I think I will have to go through the solicitor.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/02/2018 22:30

You can order new birth certificates easily.

Report the passports missing and get new ones.

Original poster
OldHag1 · 11/02/2018 22:38

He probably still hasn’t applied for them

OP posts:
Original poster
OldHag1 · 14/02/2018 10:44

Nope he hasn’t applied. He asked me what the problem was.

Control freak.

OP posts:
gttia · 14/02/2018 11:05

I have an ex like this. It grinds me down. But now I respond or if I need to contact him with one sentence only. And if he should contact me I don't respond unless I really really have to. It's hard

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/02/2018 11:19

Ex and I are currently communicating like this (separated two and a half years, we alternate between getting on fine and being civil and him hating my guts and refusing to communicate depending on his moods and when he's decided I'm an evil witch for whatever reason).

I've stopped letting it bother me and, more importantly, letting him know or think it bothers me. I suspect your ex is similar to mine in that he probably enjoys the thought of inconveniencing you and causing you stress: don't give him that satisfaction, just treat him like you would an awkward business partner or client. It's a pain in the ass sometimes as in my case we still co-own a property and a business and there are legal and financial issues to sort but now I just send recorded post letters and go through a solicitor if necessary. Refuse to engage. Take the weight off yourself.

Original poster
OldHag1 · 14/02/2018 11:53

I just wanted the passports back as agreed. I think they will return everything to my home address - when he eventually applies for them otherwise he will have given false information.

He is a PITA.

He will be as nice as he can possibly be when he wants something otherwise he’s a total bastard.

He passes messages on through the kids which is cruel and totally unwarranted. His latest is wanting more time with them - not agreed in court so now i’m a mean mother.

One day at a time... I won’t respond unless I have to as I think he loves the idea of causing me grief.

I think you are both right.

OP posts:
gttia · 14/02/2018 12:15

We have all that, eight years on! And he has a new wife and baby. Changes things through the kids even though there's a court order, he won't follow a bit of it. This year he's doing one week of Easter and that's it, literally for holidays. Why? Because I now work full time ok a good job and he thinks it will cause disruption. It doesn't, not anymore. Treat it like a business transaction is my only advice x

Original poster
OldHag1 · 14/02/2018 12:27

Thanks Gttia I am use to him not spending much time with the kids his job has always come first. I work 5 days part time but even when we were ‘together’ he didn’t use all his holiday entitlement each year.

Crap Dad awards go to all our exes.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 14/02/2018 18:56

@OldHag1

OMG when I read your post I thought I'd written it but forgotten about it due to wine!

Can I just say, I find this VERY FRUSTRATING! 😡

My STBXH dumped me out of the blue one afternoon and drove off there and then! I had no clue? (He was having an affair) I was in deep shock and he has shown absolutely NO REMOURSE whatsoever and will not communicate with me at all even though I only try and communicate about the kids! His behaviour and treatment of me has really affected me tbh.😢

I'm currently trying to get him to renew my kids passport. I was filling in the form but needed his passport number and he told the kids he didn't trust me! The cheek of him! So I gave him the form with my passport number on and the kids remarked that I was the bigger person. I'll never get over the betrayal and lack of respect for me as his children's mother. That's lifelong shit right there. 😢

BackInTheRoom · 14/02/2018 18:58

His refusal to coparent causes ENDLESS arguments between me and the DC. So much so I actually don't feel strong enough now to parent them? It's like I'm permanently ganged up on?

Original poster
OldHag1 · 14/02/2018 19:09

Bibidee apart from the affair it could be the same bloke.

Aparantly I can’t be trusted either although it’s never been me who has avoilded paying bills or acted like a complete and utter selfish arse.

Your ex would love the fact he was causing a wedge between you and your kids as would mine.

OP posts:
altiara · 14/02/2018 19:11

Bibbidee Flowers can you stick to a one liner, “oh silly dad, this is what the court order says” to prevent the kids arguing with you?

OP, if the passports are about to expire and will be returned to you if he applies for new ones, and you order new birth certificates then you should be ok? If he does, then he’ll be left with expired passports and birth certificates that anyone can order copies of. So hardly a win for him.
Good luck Flowers

C0untDucku1a · 14/02/2018 19:13

I dont understand why he is the one applying for passports???

BackInTheRoom · 14/02/2018 20:47

@altiara

My DC teen and 20's. They know exactly what's going on unfortunately.

Original poster
OldHag1 · 14/02/2018 21:47

He asked for the passports in court as he wanted to renew them and take the kids on holiday he had to renew their passports as they were out of date. I wanted the old ones to keep as a momentous he would just put them somewhere and probably lose them. He has had them over a year. It was ordered that the passports would stay with me.

OP posts:
altiara · 14/02/2018 22:41

Ah. Ok bibbidee.
Maybe everyone should be rated (like on eBay) after a relationship ends!

FinallyFree123456789 · 14/02/2018 22:55

My ex did exactly this - I got my solicitor to send him a letter with 7 days to return the passport and if not I would go to court - he didn’t return it; I sent an email to the court asking for advice - the judge sent him a letter telling him he had 7 days; the passport came back.
He then took me to court to get said passport “as he didn’t trust me” judge laughed and said it stayed with me forever: end of . This sounds like he is playing a power / control game with you

Original poster
OldHag1 · 15/02/2018 07:34

That’s interesting Finally maybe this is the way to go.

I think it is another control thing with him.

OP posts:
FinallyFree123456789 · 15/02/2018 14:05

If he hasn’t renewed the passports - could you just apply for the birth certificates and then reapply for the passports as they’re expired?
He then won’t know you’ve renewed them - and he hasn’t stopped any of your plans. Although I know it’s annoying and I know how frustrating they are when they try these silly games, the court may view it that it’s a “small matter” - I think I was lucky as the judge had been dealing with us for 6 years and knew his games x

Original poster
OldHag1 · 15/02/2018 14:24

I have reapplied for the birth certificates I think I will need passport numbers to renew them.

I will give it 3 weeks and see what happens - I know he is just playing stupid games. He’s an idiot. I can’t be bothered with him. I will just stay local/ uk this year.

OP posts: