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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP left...

35 replies

Madesuchamessofit · 11/02/2018 20:42

Actually, he told me to leave. We’re expats so I’m 1000s of miles from friends and family, it’s the middle of the night here and I’m heartbroken. I’ve checked into a hotel so I’m safe but that’s the only positive I can see at the moment. I’ve never posted before and I’m not sure why I’m doing it now. I just don’t want to tell anyone in real life yet, because that would mean it was really happening.

OP posts:
wankstainofamother · 11/02/2018 20:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Globetrotter100 · 11/02/2018 20:53

Hi OP do you speak the local language? Do you have independent residence and/or work rights where you are? Do you have DC? Is your "home" country in UK or another country or are you serial expats with no "home" country. My phone battery is about to go but I'll be back later. Stay strong Flowers

Original poster
Madesuchamessofit · 11/02/2018 20:54

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it. I work, in a job I don’t especially enjoy, but at least I’m not totally dependent on him. We rent a house here because there are quite restrictive rules about expats owning property and he owns a house in the UK. I sold my apartment there a couple of years ago. No children - we’ve been together 10 years but he’s older than me and his children are already grown up. Me giving up the idea having children has always been part of the deal, and now I’m too old to have them so I’ve lost that as well which is hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madesuchamessofit · 11/02/2018 20:56

Home country is the UK, I don’t speak the language here but that’s not such an issue - very few of the expats do.

OP posts:
Globetrotter100 · 11/02/2018 21:00

How long have you been there and is this your first experience of expat life?....any chance this is a post-move-stress-related bust up?

igotdaboobies · 11/02/2018 21:05

Why though? What's happened? Could a night or two apart help clear the air or is it beyond salvage? I can imagine it's difficult to move abroad and be much more reliant on each other than you'd be at home. Do you have friends there?
Really sorry you're going through this Thanks

TheHobbyKing · 11/02/2018 21:12

What happened? What’s his reasoning? Flowers

Original poster
Madesuchamessofit · 11/02/2018 21:14

Thank you for replying. It’s helping to think about things logically. We’ve been out of the uk a few years, but I’d say it was definitely related to expat life - he misses his children and neither of us (but him especially) have the support group of friends here that we have back in the UK so we’re very dependent on each other. His main complaint is that he’s bored. He’s always been a bit of a workaholic and he copes by throwing himself into work which is obviously a bit of a vicious cycle - he feels unfilled so he works harder/longer to distract himself and then he has no time to build the life outside of work that he says he wants. I feel like he expects me to keep him entertained but I have a demanding job too ( which I took because of pressure from him) it pays a tiny fraction of what his does, but it still involves stress and long hours and I feel like it’s unfair to blame me for not being ‘exciting’ enough when i’m wiped out most evenings!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 21:18

He asked you to leave in the middle of the night because he finds you boring? Are you sure? This seems unlikely. And you left?

igotdaboobies · 11/02/2018 21:37

Did you drive the move abroad op? Does he want to move back?

Original poster
Madesuchamessofit · 11/02/2018 21:42

You’re right, there’s obviously more to it than that - but it’s difficult to distill a 10 year relationship into a few paragraphs. We’ve had similar conversations before and the 2 central points that he keeps coming back to are that he’s bored and doesn’t want the rest of his life to be like this and that he feels we don’t communicate well enough. I agree with both in part, but I think our situation is a massive factor in the former - we lack friends here, he says he desperately misses having a family and that if I already had a child, that would make it better (he has ruled out the prospect of us having one completely on the basis that he feels he’s too old and financially it would be a massive burden) this obviously hurts a lot as there is nothing I would like more than to be a mum - I just never found anyone other than him that I wanted to have children with.

He admits he is a terrible communicator in his personal life but says that therefore I need to be able to draw things out of him, which I find i find difficult. I also feel like he doesn’t always listen when we do talk. Tonight I just felt like I really didn’t want to be somewhere that I was so obviously not wanted - he’s never told me to leave before and I was so upset that I just wanted to get out. Part of me also probably thought that leaving might make home realize what he could lose but, judging by his total lack of contact since, he’s not overly concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madesuchamessofit · 11/02/2018 21:44

Move abroad was his idea - although it was never something he really wanted to do. He was made redundant and was struggling to find another job in the UK.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 11/02/2018 21:53

What gives him the right to tell you to leave your own home? How dare he!

Why did you meekly leave and not tell him to get to fuck?

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 21:56

No, I understand why you left, although personally I wouldn't have done it in thr middle of the night.

Ok, so whats next? It's really bad news you did it hoping he'd miss you. That's always a risky move.

What do you want? To be with him? To be alone? To stay in that country? To move back?

Original poster
Madesuchamessofit · 11/02/2018 22:11

Yes, you’re right it’s risky, I’ll probably regret it in the morning! In the past though I’ve always acquiesced to his viewpoint and been placatory because I haven’t wanted to take the risk, and that’s probably contributed to us going round in circles.
I’m not really sure what I want. To be with him I think, although he’s right that things can’t carry on as they are. He’s obviously not happy and I feel like my life generally lacks a purpose which isn’t great. I wouldn’t stay here if I was on my own I don’t think - I’d want a fresh start, though I don’t think I’d go back to the UK either - I’d feel like it was admitting defeat.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 11/02/2018 22:33

How old are you, OP? Is it really too late to have a child (not with him) though?
Might be part of your fresh start.
He sounds like a dick, btw.

bluebell34567 · 11/02/2018 22:44

let the dust settle a bit. he may contact. but its not right that he sent you out in the middle of the night, was he drunk?

NotTheFordType · 11/02/2018 22:51

He sounds like an egotistical twat who thinks the world revolves around him.

I think in the long run you'll be much better off on your own. It will be painful to disentangle your lives - but you sound like you could potentially have a great and fulfilling life awaiting you with close friends, chosen family and social networks. While he works himself into the ground for literally nothing.

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/02/2018 22:59

therefore I need to be able to draw things out of him, which I find i find difficult.

This struck me. So he doesn't have to 'tell' you anything, you have to play twenty questions to find out what's bugging him? Sod that for a game of soldiers, he''s not fourteen! So he's putting the blame on you for not doing the 'you are quiet, how are you feeling? Are you struggling at work? Would you like to cut your hours? Shall I rub your back?'

It puts far too much onus on you, and then he can just blame you for everything that's wrong because you 'didn't ask?' He's got a tongue in his head, hasn't he? Sounds like you'll be better off alone, tbh.

Pomegranatemolasses · 11/02/2018 23:00

He does sound like a nightmare, and absolutely not worth the effort, but I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through.

It reads as though you have always aquiesced to his demands, and have not been happy for a long time. It's always disheartening when those whom we love turn out to have feet of clay.

I hope you will find some source of support, either online or in RL.

Butterymuffin · 11/02/2018 23:03

It sounds as if you've gone along with what he wants and with making your lives all about him for a long time. Wouldn't it be a relief to just do things you wanted and not keep being told you were wrong or inadequate?

As a pp said, how old actually are you? I'd go somewhere and pursue getting pregnant by any possible means. Leave him to it.

Pomegranatemolasses · 11/02/2018 23:03

Agree with everyone else who says that you will ultimately be much happier without this self absorbed poor excuse for a partner.

Original poster
Madesuchamessofit · 12/02/2018 04:20

Thank you so much for all your replies, I managed to get some sleep and reading them this morning has really helped. I can see the truth in a lot of your comments - it’s just very difficult to accept.
He’s been in contact just now - a message saying that ‘we’re clearly both unhappy’ and he doesn’t see that changing and that it’s ‘not your fault’ but that I obviously have issues with him. I’m not really sure what he means by that.
I’m 38, I know that people have babies later in life than that, but I also know from friends’ experiences how hard it can be.

OP posts:
Globetrotter100 · 12/02/2018 11:05

Jest checking in....are you going to be talking things through with him?

Globetrotter100 · 12/02/2018 11:10

Just!

38 not to old but you'd need to get your skates on...returning to UK would totally be equivalent to "defeat" if that's what you wanted to do btw...hope you're ok Flowers

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