Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner commenting on celebrities

35 replies

pinkmonkeysprinkles · 11/02/2018 08:13

I have never posted before and i feel really silly but i am hoping to get some perspective.

I have been with partner 4 years. We have a very good sex life and he is complimentary of me always. I work out a lot and am a size 8 . People say i am attractive. I am 28 but have very low self esteem/
confidence.

At the start of relationship my oh would comment on celebrities being attractive etc and i said - i know she is / i have no issue with you looking - just pleas don't tell me as i do not look like that and it fills me with huge insecurity! I have reminded him of this a couple of times over years!!!!

I have no issue with him watching porn as i believe this is a relief and i do not think these women are beautiful!!

So last night i got all dressed up for some adult time - we had a few drinks and he said
'last night i ended up watching Baywatch to perv on some sexy women'.

Immediately i wanted to cry !!
I explained this made me feel suddenly so inferior and why had he told me this when i am sat in my bikini and heels!!( he suggested this- i guess i know why now!!!)

I know he loves me
He compliments me
We have a great sex life
He apologised and said - they are celebrities- they spend hours in make up!! i think your gorgeous. He said - i would never be jealous of you liking celebrities !!!

But it made me feel so so sad and stupid and pathetic and about an inch big. I didn't realise he watched films just to perv on women. Porn fine. But these films stars are gorgeous and i feel so inferior. I suppose I hate that he has been able to make me feel so insecure.

All night i kept thinking of it and i have woken up this morning so upset. I just know i will be thinking of this all week now.

Please someone tell me to snap out of it/ grow up/ accept it.
Thank you for reading!!

OP posts:
category12 · 11/02/2018 08:20

Why does he tell you these things? Maybe he likes you being upset/insecure.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2018 08:26

"Please someone tell me to snap out of it/ grow up/ accept it".

I'm not going to tell you to do any of those things; what he is doing here is unacceptable and you've already told him that this upsets you.

You state that you know he loves you; how do you know this?. What is there in your relationship other than a supposedly great sex life (which seems to be more for his benefit than yours).

I also think that he is one of the main causes of your ongoing low self esteem and confidence. Where did all that start with you as well?

You are 28; what did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you exactly?. He is not helping improve your own self esteem and confidence is he?.

LemonShark · 11/02/2018 08:28

God he sounds like the walking personification of Viz magazine. Vile.

DumbledoresArmy · 11/02/2018 08:32

I'd just flip reverse it & say ' well I was watching ......... & ......(add hot male celebs name) he is so fit, a proper man!

I reckon he'd hate it if it was the other way round.

BetseyTrotwood · 11/02/2018 08:33

Casually mention some celebs you find attractive. When he does it just shrug it off, it's no reflection on you OP, at all.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2018 08:33

You may want to reconsider your unthinking acceptance of porn as "harmless relief"

It is clear your bf is using you as a prop for his sexual fantasies. Watching Baywatch and then getting you to wear a bikini and heels in February ? Does he even consider you a sexual person in your own right at all ? That would make me feel I was nothing short of a blow up doll.

If he is doing it to boost his flagging dick after watching busty Pamela what else is he using you to reenact ? Do you actually enjoy dressing up for him ? If you did before, I expect you won't now.

feral · 11/02/2018 08:35

So he can watch porn and you're not bothered but he can't watch Baywatch? Confused

He's a dick for always saying he likes to look at them but you're taking it out of proportion.

Is there no many in any of the films you think is attractive? It is ok to find film stars attractive you know!

Cambionome · 11/02/2018 08:38

Why does he need to say that to you?Confused

He's either a total idiot, or he's deliberately trying to destabilise you and keep you on the back foot.

It sounds a bit like he has all the power in this relationship... I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all in being unhappy with the way things are at the moment.

NotSoSprightly · 11/02/2018 08:53

What an absolute arse. I'd never put up with that shit OP. It's disrespectful to you and to them. He's trying to make you jealous which is pathetic and immature.

Please go and find yourself a grown up to date!

Godsplan · 11/02/2018 08:57

I can imagine you would feel quite humiliated sitting there in your bikini which he has requested you do then telling you he was perving over baywatch. How was he expecting you to react? He is either thick and thoughtless or he is getting off on demeaning you.

Not sure I get your views re porn vs films. That is confusing.

Original poster
pinkmonkeysprinkles · 11/02/2018 08:58

Hi,
Thank you for replies!!

AttilaTheMeerkat
What you said scared me because i am thinking all your questions are valid. I assume he loves me but i want to get married and he doesn't - a big issue which makes me feel that maybe he doesn't love me. I also do think this is a big root of my insecurity but i have always had issues from 16. But you are correct - he does not help build my confidence. Growing up , my dad left my mum when i was 10 and he was 40. He left for a 16 year old !!!! This has caused me lots of confusion!!!! To

Category12 - I do not know why he tells me these things when he knows how it makes me feel. Maybe he does want me to feel insecure?

Anyfucker
I have always enjoyed dressing up and to be honest OH was pretty tame before i met him!!!

Feral
He is a dick and yes i have blown it out of proportion i feel - i don't really watch films and think phoaaarrrr! But i appreciate a good looking man - i just don't feel i would ever tell a partner as i would hate them to feel bad about themselves!!

Cambionome
I sometimes do feel he is trying to unnerve me bit. He does have all the power.

Gosh after posting this i feel that i have realised that i want a lot more from our relationship - he wants to stay as we are. But this isn't enough for me. I am losing my confidence and i am unhappy and I'm feeling like for him he's getting everything he wants but I'm not.

OHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 11/02/2018 08:59

This excuse of a man has a mindset and attitude towards women that you'll never change, pinkmonkey. He's a slimeball.

I felt so sad reading you defining yourself as being a particular dress size and working out. You are a complete human being, there's more to you than your physical appearance, please change your own thought-process. You weren't put on earth just to satisfy his needs, what about yours?

This vile individual is not right for you, find someone who wants a complete relationship with you. How have you put up with him for 4years???

daisychain01 · 11/02/2018 09:02

I do not know why he tells me these things when he knows how it makes me feel

Because he couldn't care less about your thought, needs or opinions. And a big dollop of CONTROL too.

luckiestgirl · 11/02/2018 09:06

I think he's unkind for mentioning celebrities when you’ve told him it upsets you.

I think you could benefit from counselling or something because it’s quite unusual that your self esteem is so low that those comments would upset you.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 09:09

I think there are two issues here.

Firstly why he tells you these things,knowing you're insecure. It's cruel.
Secondly, your reaction isn't within the realms of normal, you shouldn't immediately have wanted to cry and still be upset about it today, or the next week.

I also think you need to end it and focus on getting some of your self confidence and esteem back. You're not in a healthy place right now and he's making it worse.

Timefortea99 · 11/02/2018 09:20

He just sounds like your average dickhead. Either accept that is the way he is, a bit entitled and uncouth, or find somebody else who does not dent your confidence. Or better still, work on your confidence and self esteem, work out what you want and need from a relationship, and only then start a new relationship. Until you sort out the things that you can change, your own mindset, you are always going to be on the back foot in relationships. Don't let your self-esteem be given to you by other people, you are giving something precious away and if you don't you are just going to repeat your present relationship over and over again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2018 11:30

What Timefortea wrote.

Do work on your confidence and self esteem through counselling; BACP are good and do not charge a fortune either. There's a lot of stuff that needs unpicking and going through here.

You are indeed far more than just a dress size and working out. You are not his doll or plaything either.

If you want to get married and he doesn't this is not going to work out anyway, you are not compatible and are wrong for each other. He is indeed quite happy as he is and you are within your rights most certainly to want more from a relationship. You are not in a healthy place right now in any case and he is diminishing your confidence further so you need to end the relationship. Do not let yourself get further dragged down by him.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 11/02/2018 11:34

Its pretty mean of him to tell you when he must know it makes you feel insecure and you already have low self esteem? Have you ever had a serious conversation about this with him?

You don't sound massively compatible if you want to get married and he doesn't, that could be a huge issue in the future.

daisychain01 · 11/02/2018 12:19

Please whatever you do, don't marry him!!!

Huntinginthedark · 11/02/2018 14:38

He doesn’t want to marry you
He puts you down
He watches porn

He’s basically a Cunt and you thinking it’s ok with porn because you don’t think the women are attractive is warped.
So you’ll spend your life trying to stay a size 8 and keep ahead of whoever is fantasy is that day. As you get older they’ll get younger. Can you see the correlation with your father here?

Sack him off now. Talk to someone about your childhood and wait till you’re ready to meet someone who sees you as more than just a sex toy.

lottieandmia22 · 11/02/2018 14:58

He’s doing it to make you insecure. I’ve had this done to me and normal, emotionally healthy men don’t do it. With the one man in particular he made me feel in a constant state of stress and I felt I was being compared with others.

Maybe the fact you are very trim and work out is part of the issue here in that he feels you are too good for him. So he needs to take shots at your self esteem and shred it to bring you down and then youll never leave.

You can do better than this shit.

mollied · 11/02/2018 14:59

Partners are always going to look at celebrities and find them attractive and its ok to say it too. However watching stuff purely to perv on women is not ok I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

lottieandmia22 · 11/02/2018 15:00

‘He’s basically a Cunt and you thinking it’s ok with porn because you don’t think the women are attractive is warped.
So you’ll spend your life trying to stay a size 8 and keep ahead of whoever is fantasy is that day. As you get older they’ll get younger. Can you see the correlation with your father here?‘

^ I agree very much with the above as well. In a healthy relationship this doesn’t happen. Ever

littletinyme1 · 11/02/2018 15:22

Your view of yourself on which your self esteem is based is so so wrong.you sense of self and worth should cone from lots of things not just looks. What have you done? achieved?survived? Are you kind? Funny? Thoughtful?A good friend? Empathetic? All of these things are more important than looks. Your dad is a sleazebag going off with a kid 24 years younger than himself. This man you've chosen is a sleazebag too.
No intelligent, grown up adult cares about Pammy and her bikini. He's pathetic for sitting up watching it (although, it is better than porn!) And you are very silly for being bothered. You are far too good for this knob. You have so much going for you. You need to ditch this man pronto. Reassess your values so you can value your qualities in a more balanced way. Looks fade, flesh sags, - i bet it wasn't an up to date Pammy pic he was lusting after - its what is left that informs your self esteem.

DCITennison · 11/02/2018 15:35

He got you to dress in a bikini and heels and, while you're sat there in this ensemble (what was he wearing btw?), he chooses to mention he'd been getting off watching other women in bikinis?

That's not a coincidence, that's a very deliberate attempt to destabilise you.

Ask yourself why he would want to do that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread