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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's finaly hit me - I think we're going to separate

39 replies

ohsmellyjelly · 01/05/2007 13:50

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Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 01/05/2007 14:16

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LilyLoo · 01/05/2007 14:19

Do you want to make it work with dh ? Sorry but you haven't mentioned that ?

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 01/05/2007 14:22

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Mumpbump · 01/05/2007 14:22

OSJ - I think you've given it your best shot. You both stuck at it when the going got tough and if you don't think it will get any better and you don't want it to continue, then calling it quits is the right thing to do. Your dc won't lose their dad. I am sure he will help out so you won't be entirely alone miles away from family. If you can keep it reasonably amicable, there is no reason for the dc to suffer and there is a lot to suggest that dc are better with happy, separated parents than unhappy ones living together...

I am so sorry that things haven't improved.

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 01/05/2007 14:24

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LilyLoo · 01/05/2007 14:26

i would say if it's for the kids sake then to seperate is your only option. For his sake as well as yours you seem to have removed yourself from him already and to carry on a relationship with no contact or intimacy will be very hard for both of you. You seem to have tried all options. Would agree about the fact that the kids won't loose their dad ever just the situation will be different.

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 01/05/2007 14:33

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Mumpbump · 01/05/2007 14:43

OSJ - you will cope and you will get through it. It will be hard at first as all break-ups are, but as time passes and you and your dc settle into your new way of life, things will get better.

Dh left his previous marriage and two children. His children are very settled, stable and happy. Dh is much happier (or so he says!) with me than he was in his previous relationship, that feeds down to his children, his ex has someone knocking around in the background, but hasn't introduced him to the children in that sense. We have the children overnight every weekend so his ex gets a break and we help out with childcare where possible. It does not have to be all or nothing; there are lots of happy compromises in between and if breaking up results in you both being happier in the end (albeit difficult at first), that has to be a good thing, doesn't it?

My heart goes out to you though as I know how much effort you have both put into making it work...

Mumpbump · 01/05/2007 14:43

PS - dh did not leave them to be with me, I hasten to add!! They had separated about a year before I met him...

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 01/05/2007 15:45

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collision · 01/05/2007 16:00

Hang on a minute!

I dont think it is all doom and gloom and that you need to split.

Forget about the sex part. Can you not try dating for a while and court each other like you did in the beginning? Make a date and go out and leave notes for him and say that you are thinking about him.

You need to talk and tell him you think sex is too big a step atm but build up to it.

Try kissing and cuddling and spending time on your own together without the kids.

I think this can be saved but you need a bit of romance.

collision · 01/05/2007 16:14

have you gone?

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 01/05/2007 16:16

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ohsmellyjelly · 01/05/2007 16:16

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collision · 01/05/2007 16:17

That is defeating talk! If you want to you will make it happen!

Mumpbump · 01/05/2007 16:31

I suppose the question is do you feel as though you have made progress since your post a couple of months back - did you ever write down how you were feeling then so you could see how your feelings changed?

I think there is obviously a lot of emotion on both sides, but is it fair to ask your dh to be cellibate for the rest of his life? It's not just about the sex; it's about being constantly rejected on a very personal level... Only you and he will know whether you have explored every possibility and put every effort into making it work, but there may come a point where you have to make a choice and I don't believe the "leaving" choice is as bad as most people tend to think....

Will probably be leaving work before you get back, but will check back tomorrow.

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 01/05/2007 20:02

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ohsmellyjelly · 01/05/2007 20:05

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Fubsy · 01/05/2007 21:25

I really feel for you OSJ. DP and I are separating now, although he is still in the house with me and DD.

At first I just could not envision separating, more because it made me feel a failure. But when I realised I actually felt more relaxed knowing that we werent going to be making eachother miserable anymore, it seemed the right thing to do.

I still feel incredibly guilty about DD, who doesnt know yet, and I dread havinjg to tell her. And Ive only told one person outside MN as this is the only place I feel comfortable talking about it.

You will probably feel better if you try to give things a go first. I wanted to, but got so fed up with DPs initial enthusiasm byut complete refusal to talk about anything and keep things going, that I eventuually knew it was over.

But that might not be the case for you, its worth trying, but knowing that you would come through it should you decide to separate.

mishw · 01/05/2007 21:38

I totally agree with collision.

Have to be careful what I write here as DH is around and may come in to have a chat with me, but my sex drive is also incedibly low and I knwo that he has also been feeling very unloved and basically un needed.

The thing is that you have said that you can't imagine life without him, you don;t have to, surely there is a way to be ohsmellyjelly and Mr ohsmellyjelly again not just mum and dad! I remember when DH and I married and the minister reminded us that there will be good times and bad, but when we're going through a bad patch remember our wedding day and why we were there.

Things are so much better for me and DH now, unfortunately I can;t tell you why (because I don;t know - no big secret!) but its like i look at him as him again not just my children;s father.

I think a lot of it is down to communication. Have you spoken to him about your lack of sex drive? I know with me it was because I felt like a mum, always tired, always cleaning and clearing up after other people (including DH), have never really got my figure back and so lack the confidence in my looks and also that he would find me interesting, so before he could get bored of me, I went off him - does that make sense.

Try the dating thing and don't allow yourself to have sex -nothing sexier than that - remember what it was like to be a teenager! What about mum friends on the area, could you not start a babysitting circle up?

All the best of luck. Give it another try - not so much for the children but for yourself, you sound like a lovely person and so does your DH.

christie1 · 01/05/2007 22:21

can only echo, give it another try. Children are wonderful but hell on a relationship. You are both under too much pressure, you need to start over,try the dating thing but no sex pressure, get a sitter if you can and go out together and just talk, about your future plans , trips you will take together when the kids are gone, movies, music, anything but tweenies. It does come back, you just need to get out of the pressure cooker. And would it really be better with anyone else?

mishw · 01/05/2007 22:24

OSJ - are you still around? how are you?

sunnysideup · 01/05/2007 23:33

agree with giving some real time and attention to your relationship before you call it quits. You're not describing any mental or physical abuse or even any behaviour from your dh which is objectionable...it's sounding like you have lost eachother due to the demands of parenthood which is very understandable and common.

Yes I'm sure if you are amicable and sensible then upset and damage to your child can be minimised but I still think his family unit is utterly precious to him and is worth one more big go.

And sex is one of those things that the more you live without it, the more you CAN live without it....at some point you may have to take the decision to do it again. NOT if you don't want to or hate the thought of it, I wouldn't ever advocate that as it would make things worse; I mean that you and dh need to work on getting communication going and get to a place where you are appreciating him again, feeling fondness for him. Once you have got there and taken the decision to sleep with him again I believe that's a way of taking your feelings deeper again; I don't think they necessarily have to be deep and profound again BEFORE you have sex again!

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 10:25

OSJ - remind me, whereabouts do you live?

mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 11:52

OSJ just seen this

I'm so sorry you think it has come to this.

I do think you've tried so hard, especially with the relate and the sex therapy. But iirc don't you have some issues that you need to deal with yourself before you can really start to move on with your relationship? Some deeper issues you were exploring?

He sounds like a great husband and father and it does make me sad that you think you've come to the end of the road. I completely understand that you don't want to keep making him feel unloved and in a way, want to 'let him go' so he can be happy.

But I think this underlying 'pressure' to have sex is the issue at the moment.
To prove your love and committment to him you don't need to have sex. Not right now. But if everything else is right, the sex will happen at a time that feels right for both of you. At the moment, as you know, there is an unhealthy focus on sex being everything and the deciding factor. It's not.

Please don't split up untilyou know for definite that you really don't want him.

Can't remember, would he go to relate with you?

I think he needs to really understand the issues and the pressure this is putting on you so that he can support you (forgive me if you've already been down this route).

I also wonder if you could show your love and affection in other ways, cuddles, romantic evenings when dc are in bed, holding hands, snuggling up watching a film... could you try to build things up slowly in that way, whilst getting your counselling in the background to deal with the 'real' issues?

Stay strong. You've done so well until now. Until you can say with 100% certainty he's not the man you want, don't give up.

But also remember this isn't just about you - you need dh's support at this time and it has to be give and take on both sides.

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