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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a red flag?

41 replies

silverpear · 10/02/2018 08:58

This is a new relationship, we have only known each other a short while. We haven't had sex, and he hasn't had sex for quite some time, a year perhaps. He is 57 years old (I m 47).
We have been building up to intimacy. I had sent him a picture and he said that it really turned him on...so all good.
He was away for work and in a hotel. I sent him another picture (lingerie one) and he said it really really aroused him. To the extent that he fell asleep thinking of me and woke in the night incredibly aroused.
We aren't due to see each other for a while and due to this aren't in a position to have sex.
So my question is this, to all you lovely ladies...he got very aroused (so he said) and yet, despite all that (he said he felt very frustrated) he did not masturbate.
I asked him why not via email, and he said that it was because it was the wrong place! That it wasnt a comfortable hotel. He was alone, no one else to interrupt him, etc. So there was no concerns he could get seen.
And as far as I can tell, he still hasn't relieved himself. Still gets highly aroused when he sees my pics and does nothing. He knows we won't be having sex (so isn't saving himself) and I can't help but think this is odd.
I have had several (too many) relationships before and two of those were a bit like that and both had control issues...could either hold back or abstain or use sex as a kind of weapon. They didnt treat women well and had no respect for women.
I am not saying he is this, but I do wonder if this is a red flag (or I am over thinking!). Because it is normal to feel so horny that you have no choice! Otherwise it is very uncomfortable. And to masturbate is good.
Course it could be he is lying and the pics did not really arouse, hence didnt have the need for self relief but he seems very sincere and ardent.
I am a bit worried. He is ex military (have to say that, because been warned before about control issues with such men!).
What do you think? Worrying needlessly?

OP posts:
Godsplan · 10/02/2018 09:00

I’m not sure tbh but I don’t personally see the point in discussing his arousal and when/if he masturbated when you are not in an intimate relationship yet. It’s his business surely.

Belindabauer · 10/02/2018 09:02

I don't see any link but if you don't want to see him then that is your choice.

Proseccopanda · 10/02/2018 09:07

Maybe he did, but was embarrassed to say?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/02/2018 09:14

Like Godsplan said, why talk about this if you're not ready to have sex yet?

I also think it's unwise to send a photo when you don't know him very well...

user7680 · 10/02/2018 09:22

I think you’re overthinking because of what you’ve been through in the past. I don’t see any red flag here x

Chattette1 · 10/02/2018 09:24

I find the I depth analysis of his supposed arousal very strange. Is he really going to be honest about his masturbation habits? All the analysing of it totally kills the mood IMO. Why do you need to know?

TheNaze73 · 10/02/2018 09:45

I’d flip this & look at his from his point of view.

Somebody he barely knows, is sending him pictures (is he sending you them back) & you’re asking about his wanking? I’d be thinking you’re the red flag.

Why don’t you stop trying to hard & just go with the flow?

Good luck Flowers

EllaHen · 10/02/2018 09:51

Bloody hell - is texting nude photos normal now? And email questions about masturbation?

Give the guy some privacy.

If someone treated me the way you are treating him, I'd run a fucking mile.

Smeaton · 10/02/2018 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Palavapalava · 10/02/2018 09:55

Sorry but some of these replies 🤣🤣🤣

Have to agree. I would also be running a mile op - your over analysis is a bit much!

Haffdonga · 10/02/2018 09:56

Agree. You sound like the red flag.

NerrSnerr · 10/02/2018 10:01

It is really odd that you're discussing when he's having a wank. He probably is doing it and either doesn't want to tell you via email because he respects his privacy or he doesn't want to say the wrong thing.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 10/02/2018 10:04

I think you are probably jumping the gun a bit. You don't know him very well, you know you aren't going to be seeing each other or having sex for a while yet you send him sexy photos and then give him the spanish inquisition on his masturbating (or not masturbating)! That's probably scared him a bit to be honest, it would me!

Slow it down, go back to flirting and stop analysing and quizzing him!

pieceofpurplesky · 10/02/2018 10:05

You're controlling or just want a weird wank story thread

Mylady · 10/02/2018 10:09

Your the weird one :)

GinnyBaker · 10/02/2018 10:11

I hope this is a reverse

silverpear · 10/02/2018 11:38

Wow! I was warned before about using Mumsnet, obviously a mistake. And so many of you have just jumped to conclusions wthout any understanding. I am surprised you bother to answer when you are so catty.

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 10/02/2018 11:46

Honestly you sound like the red flag! Who sends nude pics to someone they haven't even slept with? Hope they are not indentifying! IMO there should be a certain level of trust with that kind of thing as you never know whose hands they will end up in (well unless you don't care) all sounds very odd.

Saz1995 · 10/02/2018 11:47

Don't ask if you don't like the answer.

Smeaton · 10/02/2018 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

calmandbright · 10/02/2018 12:09

WTAF have I just read?! Why on Earth are you quizzing him about his wanking habits? I’d be running a MILE in his shoes! Stop this madness! And stop sexting if you can’t not be weird about it!

Olddear · 10/02/2018 12:10

Well, if this new man puts them on the internet, there'll be plenty men masturbating over them...happy now?

Godsplan · 10/02/2018 12:18

I can’t believe you emailed him to ask why he hadn’t masturbated over your picture.

Popchyk · 10/02/2018 12:44

Have you actually met this guy? As in face-to-face?

The "building up to intimacy" things sounds like you haven't had much (if any) real contact with this man.

Offthebandwagonagain · 10/02/2018 12:46

Smeaton.....crunchy tissues! 🤣🤣🤣