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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I NEED ADVICE

50 replies

Justifythis · 09/02/2018 19:12

I'm 19, and my partner is 36. We've been together for a year and eight months and let's say it's been a rollercoaster. He's cheated and actually withheld a relationship with the mother of his 2 (at the time) children. He has had twins with her since we've been together and told me that he has to "comply" to sexual activity or else she won't let him see his kids. He's told me in anger that he's slept with various other women too and even shown me videos. Last year I was raped by an old friend of mine who is now spreading rumours to my community's and family in order to deflect from what he has done. My boyfriend constantly (every day) talks about what happened and accuses me of consensually "giving myself to him" even though I have a confession tape of the man in question admitting it. My boyfriend has said that I'm "undesirable" and "hard to have sex with" and that I'm "a rapists leftovers" and is continually speaking to other women in our home and in front of me! He has taken me to women's houses that he is sleeping with and uses a dominating approach to make me have to converse with the women. I love him and am just waiting for the day when all of this stops but I don't think it's going to. The guy who raped me has completely ruined my life. I have no self esteem due to what happened anyway and my boyfriend just isn't helping! I don't know what I'm supposed to do!!! Someone please help

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/02/2018 19:14

Oh come on, OP. This is as clear a case of Leave the Bastard as I've seen on here. Why on earth would you stay with a man like that?

BakedBeans47 · 09/02/2018 19:16

Jeezo

LTB right now.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 09/02/2018 19:18

Oh love,

Please don't wait for this to stop. It wont. It will get worse and worse. Your boyfriend is a pitiful excuse for a human being. He is an abusive bully and you deserve so, so much better.

Do you have any support, friends or family? Please call womens aid and ask them to help you leave. I know you think you love him but he does not love you. He is treating you like dirt and you absolutely should not be with him.

I am so sorry for what happened to you, did you report it? Would you like to? Its never too late to do so. Your boyfriend is going to drag you further and further down.

If you find the strength to leave your life will be a million times better, it will be a total revelation.

Thinking of you Flowers

altiara · 09/02/2018 19:18

1- dump your boyfriend. He is a shit and will never change.
2- you need to find a counsellor to deal with the rape and your low self esteem.

Do you have any family or friends to talk to? Do your family know what this man did to you?
Do you live with your boyfriend?

Mouseville65 · 09/02/2018 19:18

Have you reported the rape to the police? LTB! Seek counselling to deal with your issues and stand infront of a mirror repeating ‘I deserve love and happiness’ until you believe it! Bloody hell no one deserves this, I really hope you run for the hills 💐

altiara · 09/02/2018 19:19
Flowers
VioletCharlotte · 09/02/2018 19:20

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going though. Have you had any therapy since you were raped.

This man is no good for you, my lovely, you're very vulnerable and he's abusing you.

DontDIY · 09/02/2018 19:20

What the hell do you love about this disgusting man? I genuinely winced at “rapists leftovers”.

Get away from this awful creature. He is truly sick.

user7680 · 09/02/2018 19:21

Leave the bastard and report the rapist to the police

SandyY2K · 09/02/2018 19:26

Things will continue to get worse every day you stay with him.

Please Google low cost counsellimg services in your area.

This relationship will make you a shadow of your former self.

offside · 09/02/2018 19:29

Please please please leave him. You are so young and have the world at your feet if you get rid of this monster and get some counselling. Don’t let him ruin your life, and please make sure you’re using protection and don’t fall pregnant

Josuk · 09/02/2018 19:30

OP - find an adult in your life you trust and tell them what you wrote here.
He is not your partner. He is your abuser. You are way to young - and you need help - a friend who’ll help you extract yourself from this situation.

And then you’ll need counselling. As as a police report?

calmandbright · 09/02/2018 19:58

Holy crap. As others have said, you must distance yourself from this awful man. You are NOT to blame in ANY which way for the rape. Please please get away from this vile creature, seek counselling and don’t put up with shit like this EVER again. You are strong to have got this far. Use this strength to propel you forward to a better place Flowers

Original poster
Justifythis · 09/02/2018 20:07

I have reported the rape to the police and they have charged him with his admission in the police station. But the guy is friends with my brother in law and attends my sisters house where my boyfriend also goes so it's just a stream of abuse and rumours. I don't have any family and was placed in care as a teenager. I don't have any friends because he doesn't like them.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 09/02/2018 20:14

Cut this arsehole off with immediate effect.

He is abusing you, purely because he knows you are vulnerable and likely to fall for his bullshit.

Do you have any access to a social worker, youth worker, outreach of any kind? Do you work, could there be any resources there to help you?

Springiscoming123 · 09/02/2018 20:16

dear god is he a magician as you seem under his spell

why would you let yourself be treated like this

Mouseville65 · 09/02/2018 20:16

Why would your sister allow the man that raped you into her house?

Original poster
Justifythis · 09/02/2018 20:17

I don't have any access to any social services help as I'm over 18. And don't work because he makes it impossible to maintain any kind of routine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justifythis · 09/02/2018 20:20

He most definitely has me under a spell. I don't know why I tolerate his behaviour because I wouldn't have in the past. He's violent too but I've learnt to deal with that. I just have no one to talk to and can feel myself getting lower and lower. I've been on anti depressants on and off for 3 years or so now but he told me not to take them as I "don't need them" and am "wasting tax payers money"

OP posts:
Original poster
Justifythis · 09/02/2018 20:21

My sister is a cocaine addict and the rapist is a dealer who's giving them free drugs. My sister also has never shown loyalty to me. It's complicated

OP posts:
Springiscoming123 · 09/02/2018 20:24

you need to move away from them all

VioletCharlotte · 09/02/2018 20:29

How long were you in care for? I believe social services have a responsibility for cared for children until they are 25.

You need some outside help to get away from this awful situation. What support have you had from the Police since the rape?

Bananalanacake · 09/02/2018 20:33

So you want to work but he is stopping you. That's really bad. A job wil help your self esteem, meet people, get out of the house as well as earning money.

ManchesterGin · 09/02/2018 20:39

You need to get away from this guy. He is vile.
Is there any way you could move away and start somewhere new? Do you have a best friend you can ask for help?

PerfectlyDone · 09/02/2018 20:42

You may well find that you have less need for AD if you get shot of this abusive waste-of-space of a man Shock

There ARE social services for adults, contact Women's Aid.

You need all the help you can get to find your healthy boundaries and self-protection mechanisms again Thanks

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