I NEED ADVICE

[Justifythis]

I'm 19, and my partner is 36. We've been together for a year and eight months and let's say it's been a rollercoaster. He's cheated and actually withheld a relationship with the mother of his 2 (at the time) children. He has had twins with her since we've been together and told me that he has to "comply" to sexual activity or else she won't let him see his kids. He's told me in anger that he's slept with various other women too and even shown me videos. Last year I was raped by an old friend of mine who is now spreading rumours to my community's and family in order to deflect from what he has done. My boyfriend constantly (every day) talks about what happened and accuses me of consensually "giving myself to him" even though I have a confession tape of the man in question admitting it. My boyfriend has said that I'm "undesirable" and "hard to have sex with" and that I'm "a rapists leftovers" and is continually speaking to other women in our home and in front of me! He has taken me to women's houses that he is sleeping with and uses a dominating approach to make me have to converse with the women. I love him and am just waiting for the day when all of this stops but I don't think it's going to. The guy who raped me has completely ruined my life. I have no self esteem due to what happened anyway and my boyfriend just isn't helping! I don't know what I'm supposed to do!!! Someone please help

Don't wait for something to happen, you need to be very strong and make the change yourself. Where do you live? Via PM if you don't want to say publically as I can put you in touch with help.

You have to get away from everybody involved in this situation, including your sister for now. Phone Women's Aid, tell them exactly what you have told us. They will help you. Phone Rape Crisis 0808 802 9999 and get some counselling in place. Life doesn't have to be this hopeless. You are only 19, you have your whole life waiting for you.

OP
He will never change.
I was in an abusive relationship.

I know how it feels.

He is abusing you.

There is help.

I've been where you are. Don't waste the best years of your life with this cunt.

Contact Womens Aid, or your local refuge.

And please, please do the Freedom Program to learn about healthy relationships.

It changed my life.

Please contact women’s aid and get yourself far, far away from these horrible people. You are very young and can have any future you want, but you need to make that call and leave all the negative people in your life behind. This man doesn’t love you. He’s using you and dragging you down. Don’t let him

You should have a personal advisor until you're 21 if you were in care for any length of time, can you call your local leaving care team?

Please try and tell someone IRL what's going on, you need some support. Even if you tell your GP?

I think you've answered your own question...

Run for the hills and make yourself a new life. Do you have any cash of your own?

I second contacting Women’s Aid. Ask to do their Freedom programme.

You really need to get away from all of these people. All of them are toxic and will exploit or abuse you. You deserve so much more.

don't know what I'm supposed to do!!!
I think you do. Why would you stay with such an utter cunt

What have I actually just read?? OP - this is just a catalogue of abuse and hurt - and you are so unable to prioritise your needs because you sound in so much pain.
I understand that you think you love this man - but honestly - when you are in pain you will seek out to have it soothed - even (and sometimes especially) from the person hurting you. But that does not mean that you love him. And this relationship will completely destroy you and deny you a life of happiness. LTB now, seek out support and counselling to rebuild your self esteem and don’t look back. Good luck OP.

I have a 19 year old dd, if she had a boyfriend like this I would kill him. I mean that. Please get away from this awful man as soon as you can. Could you go to a women's aid shelter to get away from him?

OP men that him seek out vulnerable girls who have been through the care system, his spell is nothing but toxic. Did you have a PA? Are you still in contact?

You dont deserve to live like this and you do have the power to change it. Women's Aid. Rape Crisis. Victim Support. Reach out to them like you have on here and make a step towards a new life.

You poor girl. You’re in an abusive relationship. I was in similar situation at your age with an older man, ran away from abusive parent got involved in drugs etc
You must try and get help from your social worker or your nearest young people service like the Youth enquiry service (yes centre) or connexions or any other service even dr or definitely women’s aid. You need to escape this now. Please be safe and careful.
I promise you he does not love you no matter what he says x

Jesus Wept.. what have I just read

Gemini69 I agree with you

Thank-you so much to everyone who has commented. NONE of you realise how much support you have actually provided. I have tried to contact my PA for help as advised and was told she won't help unless I report him to the police. By doing this I have to uncover everything he's ever done to me and I've only been brassy enough to tell you guys what was bothering me in particular on the day I first wrote. To go to court just really isn't in my interests as I have a case going on already (rape) and just feel it would open my wounds and leave me more venerable. So my next move will be tomorrow night. Whilst he's sleeping I'm packing my things and I'm leaving. I fear that if I don't one of us is going to get seriously hurt because every dog has their day. I don't know where I'm going yet as I have no family to rely on and he broke down all my friendships. I also don't have money of my own no. But what I have got is an inch of strength that I didn't have a week ago. YOU ALL SAVED MY LIFE. Thank-you so much❤️

Ok thanks for updating, hope you're safe. Try contacting shelter or women's aid

Message me if you need someone to talk to x

Please contact Depaul Trust on Monday morning - they can find you a place to stay and all the help you need:

uk.depaulcharity.org/get-help

Alternatively The Mix is open on Sundays:

Out of hours, an organisation called The Mix may be able to help find you options. The Mix supports young people aged 25 and under with any issue they may be going through, and is open every day from 11am to 11pm. You can call them for free on 0808 808 4994, email [email protected], and chat one-to-one through its website.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this awful situation. I hope you find it within yourself to leave this vile excuse of a human being and thereafter to explore and address why you settled for being treated in such an appalling way throughout the relationship. You deserve so much more. You can create healthy boundaries and live a life in which ultimately 'you treat you' well. Positive things will follow.

Sorry I posted without reading to the end of the thread. It is great that you are planning to walk away. Please do take care in doing so. Can you have your most necessary belongings in a bag ready to go, as oppose to trying to do everything whilst he is sleeping? First thing tomorrow get yourself to your local town hall (to see the housing team), explain that you have left an abusive relationship and are effectively homeless. They have a responsibility to find you emergency accommodation (be this a hostel or budget hotel, or house share) and advise on your next steps. As pp have said you can also contact woman's aid. Having been in a similar situation but without knowledge of 'what to do' I would urge you to do all that you can to lose as little of yourself as possible and accept the practical and emotional support available to give yourself a great foundation on which to start this new chapter of your life.

If I wasn't abroad I would come round and take you away myself. OP this man is terrible.

Cant offer any advice apart from to say please listen to all the wise voices on here.
Hold on to your courage and leave all of them - non of them are good for you or will support you
Contact all the organisations and ask for the help you need to build a good life, you are strong and can do it
You are only 19....you have a whole life ahead of you

So glad you’ve decided to leave. But, please be careful OP. Can you not pack and leave when he is out?

Good luck tonight, OP. Don't try to do it on your own: everybody needs support and when you feel low, you'll go straight back if you don't have a support network. Get in touch with one of the organisations mentioned by previous posters.

Keep posting as long as it's helpful, too.