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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help re:social services

34 replies

littlelostlamb · 09/02/2018 17:37

hi all firstly im new here so bare with me

so the story goes - ive been with my husband 13 years on and off
the last year we have been a proper family and lifes been perfect
he has a previous drug problem and is on a methadone programme

a few weeks ago he relapsed and life got difficult for a few weeks ending up with him hitting me (once - never b4 never after although he does have a previous DV from another relationship many years ago) I called the police and he was arrested this led to a visit from social services - we have 3 children- they stated he is not allowed any contact with the children and got me to sign a non-legal document to insure I would agree to this which I did
following talks with my husband we want to reunite our family - he has already signed himself up for an anger management course and an additional drug testing programme to prove he is clean

my question is will social services allow this to happen? we are willing to under go any thing they want us to do
my children (especially my 15 year old son who is not his but is closer to him than anyone else) miss him deeply as do I

just wondered has anyone been through anything like this if so what was the outcome??
any advice would be greatly received

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 09/02/2018 17:53

Are your children on the Child Protection Register?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 09/02/2018 17:56

I think you are on very thin ice. If you allow him contact with your children you may very well lose them as you will show to social services you are not able or willing to protect them from a violent drug addict. He may well be clean but he will always be an addict and has shown he can be violent.

If you value your children do not risk it.

bibliomania · 09/02/2018 18:00

You'll need to talk to SS - they know the situation better than anyone commenting on here.

At the very very least, I would think that he should complete the anger management course and have 6 months of clean tests before you even consider being a family again. At the moment it's all just words, which frankly, are easy. If he's pressuring to come back before then, he's not genuinely committed to change. He should be so horrified at what he has done that he's willing to wait and show real change first.

Euphemism · 09/02/2018 18:00

I think you are making a huge mistake. It's only been a few weeks. There is zero evidence he has changed or will changed or even can change and I'd think social services will take the view that you are not protecting your children.

If you stay apart from him, and he completes anger management, and stays clean from drugs for a year or so, then maybe it might be worth reconsidering.

Right now though, he has relapsed on his addiction and been violent towards you and has paid a tiny little bit of lip-service about changing. Words are cheap.

jessicajaine01 · 09/02/2018 18:05

Im shocked theyve stopped you having contact. I know a man that was drinking everyday and social never once took the child out of his care, although there was no violent incidents. Is it safe for you all to be reunited realistically? Do you want to risk next time social services going for you for potentially for putting the kids in danger (although you may not see it as danger) Social Services might x Maybe they could do regular drug tests or something x

jessicajaine01 · 09/02/2018 18:05

Stopped the dad having contact as its your first referral *

Oblomov18 · 09/02/2018 18:07

You will need to sit down with your social worker and explain what you want and then a decision will be made.

Jenala · 09/02/2018 18:13

Sounds like they've had you sign a written agreement? I would not breach this. Yes it's a non legal document, but the point of it is to ensure that you are crystal clear as to what SS expects. If you break it, they will see it as you being unable to put your children's needs first. Breaking it will only lengthen their involvement as they will then be unable to trust that you can make the right decisions for your children's wellbeing. I'm sure you are considering their wellbeing and seeing them miss their father must be hard, but when SS are involved you really don't want to mess around or escalate things- which ignoring their advice will do.

I appreciate you miss him as a family, but don't underestimate the impact your husband's behaviour will have had. Unpredictable parents are scary. SS have decided that at this time it is safer for them (safety includes emotional wellbeing) for him to be away from the family home.

It's great he has signed up for the course and drug tests and hopefully he understands how badly he has fucked up. The quickest way to resolve this and have SS close the case is to stick to the written agreement. Is it no contact at all, or just no unsupervised contact? If it's no contact at all, perhaps once he has had 2 or 3 clean tests and started the course, you can approach your children's social worker and ask about some supervised contact between your husband and children. If you and your husband have stuck to the advice SS have given (thereby proving you are able to put your children ahead of your own feelings) then it's fairly likely they will consider this.

Keep in mind this situation is not due to SS, it is due to your husbands behaviour, namely relapsing and taking heroin, then hitting you. This is serious.

It won't be forever. Do what they say and it will be over.

As an aside, I'm dubious of testing. I have personal experience with a heroin addicted parent who had 3 years of clean tests despite frequent relapses. They all know the urine test only shows the last two or three days so if they can successfully supplement their methadone once or twice a week without fear of a positive test. Something to bear in mind.

Dancingfairy · 09/02/2018 18:19

This confuses me so much as there's woman on here who have violent partners and social services visits them once and that's that. And others who are banned from seeing the man again.

0ccamsRazor · 09/02/2018 18:20

Op it is good that social services have stepped in.

You need to stop minimising the impact of violence and addiction has on children.

You should follow social sevices advice to the letter, no sneaking your partner into the house or any other contact between him and the dc unless ss gives this the all clear.

Anger is one thing.

Disrespect for a partner is quite another.

He has shown you zero respect by hitting you.

He sees you as his property to do what he wants.

He has a form for this behaviour.

Why would you want to stay with him?

More importantly why would you want him to have access to the children?

He is an addict, he is violent and he does not show that he wants to change and put the family, you, dc first.

He wants to come back? He needs to stay away, get clean and become a decent human being first. He needs to stick to getting himself sorted with drug rehab, therapy, being signed off as a fit and stable person for at least a year. After that he needs to touch base with his therapy and rehab outreach group regularly for as long as he lives, regardless of you and he making a second go of things.

I am sorry Flowers

QuiteLikely5 · 09/02/2018 18:20

Yeh but most women don’t call the police

0ccamsRazor · 09/02/2018 18:23

Oh and the only test that is worth its weight is a hair strand test.

BertieBotts · 09/02/2018 18:23

He should live apart from the family while he recovers. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. Are social services open to supervised contact? Then your 15yo could see him (and the others, if they want to).

Anger management is unlikely to help with addiction related violence, nor does it help with patterns of DV - I suspect with the "on and off" it might have been an ongoing problem? Or was this more about the addiction issues? Sometimes the two behaviours can go hand in hand but it does not mean that one causes the other.

I can quite understand that you want to support the man that you love and that longing to be "a real family" is very very strong, but you've got to be stronger - just for a while, to keep the children your top priority in the short term and protect them from any more erratic behaviour. It is likely to get worse before it gets better. It's not fair to expose them to it. Addiction is very very hard to beat (as you know) and it takes a long time. A few weeks since the last incident and relapse is absolutely nowhere near long enough to say that change has occurred - it needs to be years.

Whether the document social services got you to sign was legal or not, their intention is quite clear - they want to be sure that you're able to put the kids' safety and wellbeing first, and if they suspect you're not doing that, they may well escalate investigations and procedures.

dirtybadger · 09/02/2018 18:27

Do as SS say. After he has been clean for at least 6-12 months, and completed the anger management course, then speak to your social worker about it. You dont want him back whilst he is still an obvious threat and volatile. He needs to complete these things for himself, not just to tick boxes, so he will want to do them regardless of what SS say, right? It certainly wont do any harm.

A former friend of mine who had her DC removed perminantly after she repeatadly ignored SS's advice (and then later court orders). She never did anything, but facilitated access (and some unsupervises access) between DC and DH. In fact the final occassion she didnt even facilitate, she just hadnt done enough to stop him speaking to them. It was deemed (rightly) that she was unable to protect them. Put your DC first! Drug addiction is a chronic relapsing condition, you must always be prepared to have to make that difficult choice.

Also, your DC being upset is not a reason to rush access. Its really hard to see them, but DC dont always understand what is best for them. DC removed from horrific circumstances, with neglectful or violent parents, still miss and love them, and would often rather be back than with a safe foster or adopted family. But that isnt whats best for them.

frozenlake · 09/02/2018 19:46

The agreement you signed isn't legally enforceable, it is designed to show social services that you understand the risks and will work with social services. If you ignore the agreement it is very likely social services will consider legal action, this isn't in your interests. It wasn't clear what your dp's previous history of da abuse was but social services will consider what happened in his previous relationship. You both need to be patient and work through the process.

GeorgeTheHamster · 10/02/2018 10:50

Taking drugs and hitting you are both really serious. And he has a history of both. You are minimising what he has done and you need to work with SS here.

spagbol11 · 10/02/2018 10:55

op I think you need to stick to what you have agreed with SS. They must of found it to be unsafe for your dcs or something to go as far as getting you to sign a document.
We’re SS involved before this? If yes I would be very careful where you go from here. I know someone who did not stick to SS guidelines and had 3 children removed.

chipvinegar · 10/02/2018 11:07

The threshold for SS to get involved is fairly high now. I wonder if he has perhaps not told you something as to why they've stepped in?

I would call your social worker, tell them you aren't prepared to put up with any form of violence or deceit from him however it is the first occasion in however many years and you would like the long term goal to be reuniting safely as a family and would it be possible to explore supervised contact for the kids, and programmes for you both... I know the freedom programme did run both one for the abused and one for the abuser

But if say it's the first time you've reported it yet you have had to seek medical treatment previously and your stories don't add up, or the kids have told otherwise, etc (it's often the 14th plus time before a woman actually seeks help and admits he's been violent) I would really listen to what SS say

Olikingcharles · 10/02/2018 11:08

Please don't allow him back into the home or to have contact with the dc's until you consult with your social services worker. It could all go very badly for you otherwise and you could lose your dc's as social services will not see your intentions to reunite your family in a good way atm. He needs to complete the treatment required for both the drug and anger issues before I think social services will even consider contact. Tread very carefully here not just in terms of social services but your and the children's safety. He's already struck you once.

Dancingfairy · 10/02/2018 11:30

The threshold for SS to get involved is fairly high now. I wonder if he has perhaps not told you something as to why they've stepped in?

Really? So hitting the op wouldn't be enough for them to get involved usually??

chipvinegar · 10/02/2018 11:33

In my experience no @Dancingfairy

Not the first time. Obviously there are different circumstances and different levels of force used and injuries sustained that may make one SW take it more seriously than another.

My own experience was a letter a few days on signposting me to children's centres Hmm

Quartz2208 · 10/02/2018 11:41

For them to be involved to this extent the incident she reported would be I suspect quite severe as would the charge on his record. That and his consistent drug abuse

OP only Social Services and your Social Worker can tell you the next steps. Not following them yes could lead to your children being removed. Contact without them knowing the same. So speak to them

And I also advise counselling/freedom programme for yourself I suspect your post downplays a lot of what has happened

DullAndOld · 10/02/2018 11:45

honestly with SS, you have to be seen to be 'working with them' (eg doing what they say). This is the only way you will keep your children.

Why should they have a violent drug addict who hits their mum living in their house? SS would see this as not fair to them and would take steps to remove them from your care.

It is as simple as that.

Dancingfairy · 10/02/2018 11:53

Oh right when ex attacked me I called the police and was visited by a SW she closed the case as she was satisfied I wasn't with him any longer (she said that wouldn't be the case if I was still in a relationship with him.) so was just wondering.

spagbol11 · 10/02/2018 14:36

If they are happy you are working with them and not back in the violent relationship they will continue to work with you, however if you are not working with them, listening to what they have agreed and stick to it, you have to be prepared that the SS WILL remove your children out of your care to provide them with a safe environment

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