please help re:social services

[littlelostlamb]

hi all firstly im new here so bare with me

so the story goes - ive been with my husband 13 years on and off
the last year we have been a proper family and lifes been perfect
he has a previous drug problem and is on a methadone programme

a few weeks ago he relapsed and life got difficult for a few weeks ending up with him hitting me (once - never b4 never after although he does have a previous DV from another relationship many years ago) I called the police and he was arrested this led to a visit from social services - we have 3 children- they stated he is not allowed any contact with the children and got me to sign a non-legal document to insure I would agree to this which I did
following talks with my husband we want to reunite our family - he has already signed himself up for an anger management course and an additional drug testing programme to prove he is clean

my question is will social services allow this to happen? we are willing to under go any thing they want us to do
my children (especially my 15 year old son who is not his but is closer to him than anyone else) miss him deeply as do I

just wondered has anyone been through anything like this if so what was the outcome??
any advice would be greatly received

A few weeks is not long enough to make a sensible decision re getting back together TBH.

Irrespective of what SC are asking you to do IMO you are not thinking clearly over this.

You imply it is only the last year that he has been stable enough for you to be a family and describe his drug problem as ‘previous’ even though he has been on methadone and has relapsed - that is very much a current drug problem.

He also doesn’t have a ‘history’ of DV. He has a pattern of it now he has also hit you. I would be willing to bet it hasn’t just been physical abuse either.

What exactly is the harm in having no contact with him whilst he takes action to deal with his DV and drugs problems before deciding whether you want to be a couple or not?

As a minimum this is what I’d think was appropriate.

Be very wary of getting drawn into seeing your relationship as a great love story and feeling you are being kept apart by evil social workers. Neither of you will be able to work on your issues in the way your children need you to if you go down that route.

I don't really understand, it's only been a few weeks, it was bad enough to have the police and social services involved, it was bad enough they didn't feel the home was safe, yet a few weeks later you want to reunite and he's suddenly clean because he signed up for anger management classes and additional drug testing.

If you'd said he'd been clean for a year or two and had proven it, through attending the classes, with the drug testing etc, ok I could stretch to see your point, but I don't understand this at all. I very much doubt social services will either and will assume as I am thay you're willing to risk your and your kids safety to be with this man. This way lies losing them.

Agree with PP also SS will make a decision if they feel it is safe for the contact to restart. If you make the decision and go behind their back, something else could happen, how do you know he won’t be violent smashing the house up in a drug fuelled rage with the poor dcs there. SS are right doing what they’re doing. They wouldn’t of set up a contract if it was a minor issue

I get that the kids must miss him, but if he were to go straight back into the family home, the message you are sending them is thst DV is acceptable, as long as you say sorry afterwards. That being a family is more important than not hitting their mum. He has not proved that he is stable and reliable and not violent.

I have someone in my close family in the methadone programme. This is still addiction, still living a not-normal life. Of course it’s better than heroin, but he’s still being propped up as an addict, not properly clean. Is there any plan for him to get off methadone? Honestly, I’d be looking at him being methadone free before I had him back again. Life in methadone is not a stable one.

The opening post reads like one of those cp case studies used for training purposes.

Also your dcs are actually learning something very important there.
That their well-being, their emotional well-being is very important and should be protected.
That they AE important.
And that hitting the other parent or taking drugs isn’t compatible with being a good enough parent.
And tbh, there is some truth about that.

I get that you love him. And that the dcs love him. Of course they do. He is (or is acting as) their father.
It doesn’t mean that his influence in them is the right one.

I do hope that this is the message you ar giving them. That the SS are there to protect them not as someone out there to make their life difficult with no reason at all.
Because you would be missing an opportunity for them to learn an important lesson.
And because SS are there to help them, not make their life hell (unlike a parent with so little self control that they are iphitting their mum. What’s next when he will have taken drugs again and will be high or struggling to cope because he doesn’t have the money to buy some??)

Bloody hell. Previous DV now has hit you and is a herion addict.

What a fab father figure he is.

Oh and by the way when they say 'sorry it won't happen again you just made me angry'. It's a lie they will do it again.

I’d be surprised if you didn’t have a child protection plan.

Read it. Do what it says.