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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I move forward...sexting husband

33 replies

iheartpeonies · 09/02/2018 14:16

I'm not sure what I need to do to make peace with my situation. My husband (of 5 years) has always had a terrible habit of making contact with other women online, and more recently on social media (Snapchat as it happens). It's not a new discovery, but to be honest I have been in denial about how serious this issue was until last October. I read messages that had been sent between him and a few women. They were graphic and sexy- and what hurt most was that he was simply interested in these other women, engaging in kind conversation about their troubles. What makes it worse in my eyes is that we have a young daughter. The latest discovery knocked me sideways because I just naievely thought he wouldn't go there any more since we have started our family. I have learned that he was doing this throughout my pregnancy and in our daughters first year. I've cried, so has he and he has tried to explain it to me. He believes it's a habit and not a desire to be with somebody else. He accepts it's cheating- in the past has said it isn't. If my situation was different, I might have left. I didn't and we've muddled through. I'm resentful and hurt and our relationship is not what I think we deserve. He's gone to a counsellor and is on a programme for 'addiction'...I just don't buy it and he's stopped trying to explain it to me. But he is doing, he says, all he can to make this better. I don't think I will leave him- but I feel like we're stuck in this sexless (because of my choice) relationship with a beautiful daughter. I feel like he's shattered my hopes of having another child with him because I don't trust him. How can I move forwards. If I'm not leaving him, I need to make this better.

Should we go to couples counselling? Has anybody successfully got through a similar situation with their partner? xx

OP posts:

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 09/02/2018 14:21

To be blunt, it doesn't matter if you go to counselling or not-he won't stop.
Your options are to accept it, imho this would be stupid, or you show him the door-which is the option I would choose.

Luckingfovely · 09/02/2018 14:29

I honestly don't think you will ever find happiness or trust in this relationship. And is this really a relationship you want to bring your daughter up in?

As hard as it is, you really deserve a better life than this - which means considering leaving.

FissionChips · 09/02/2018 14:33

Can you really see yourself putting up with this behaviour for 40/50 years? Would you want that for yourself?

He’ll never change, he’ll just stop for a while, then hide it untill he is caught again.

Give yourself a happy future .

Flimp · 09/02/2018 14:38

Addiction MY ARSE - he's just a cunt. He has no respect for you or your family unit.

If you keep letting him off the hook he has the green light to do it again and again and again.

Is this what you want from your life?

Is this the relationship you want to model for your little girl?

Please consider that you might be worth more than this utter shitbag.

Flimp · 09/02/2018 14:38

oh and please don't get pregnant!!

Upsidedownandinsideout · 09/02/2018 14:39

Picking your nose is a 'terrible habit' - this is not a bad habit, it's long term and persistent cheating. How long, really, until his messaging progresses?

Having a child together is a long term tie but doesnt mean you need to be together. Think about your lovely DD - do you want her to grow up to expect this behaviour from men? You are young enough to have a much much better second act away from this arse.

calmandbright · 09/02/2018 14:49

‘Addiction’, ‘terrible habit’ - see how these descriptors absolve him of responsibility and ownership of his behaviour? The bottom line is that he has no respect for you, or your relationship. He’s not an addict - he’s a cheating cunt. He may stop for a while, make the right noises, but he’ll do it again, of this you can be certain. So you break up now, or you stay together and let him break you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this ❤️

TheNaze73 · 09/02/2018 14:57

You are being soft on him. If a normal human being is missing something from a relationship, they talk or end it, they don’t sext other people. He’s obviously not happy & neither should you be

Crispbutty · 09/02/2018 15:00

What are either of you getting out of this “relationship”.

You say it is sexless by your instigation. He is chasing other women albeit only online so far but that won’t stay that way I bet.

It sounds dreadful.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/02/2018 15:03

You are not enough for him. Harsh but true.

Would someone else be enough for him to stop his dirty ways? Nobody knows but either way I think you are wasted on him.

I certainly wouldn’t have another child with him.

Living in a sexless relationship is certainly not going to work for him either.

If you really want to stay - use him whilst you retrain in a decent career, so you can afford to pay your way without him.

Willswife · 09/02/2018 15:03

What would you tell your daughter if she came to you with his problem?

Now give yourself the same advice.

Strongvegetables · 09/02/2018 15:10

My BIL is the same. His ex wife gave him 20 and three kids, in the end the family and him got so used to him doing it, it was completely minimised and she started getting the blame. He divorced her in the end as she was ‘miserable’

For now I’d stop putting energy in to keeping your family together or fixing it. Lots of women go in to panic mode and try and fix it (brush over it)

I’d 100% focus on you . I’d take ownership of your own responsibility in this and your family . Don’t make any decisions yet. Maybe have a look at why you are accepting this. Why you feel you need to stay with some one who is being dishonest.

Your self esteem is so low because of the continuous cheating that you can’t see how much damage he is continually doing to you.

Also do this for your dd, can you imagine her settling for a man who seeks out other woman because you let her dad do it to you.

Strongvegetables · 09/02/2018 15:12

Quite that is really unfair and also victim blaming.

Lightyathome · 09/02/2018 15:13

I have had similar problem with my ex. He kept promising he'll stop, and he was, but just for a while...I kept finding out he's on it again. He claimed it's a habit too.
We were really good otherwise and I stupidly believed him. However, he became very poorly and passed away. So really I didn't end the relationship but have felt betrayed and hurt many times.

So my advice from personal experience is NO he is not going to change. I know it is very difficult to make a decision to leave him but it would be the right one. I wish you luck!

yetmorecrap · 09/02/2018 16:54

tell him to pack his bags and take his 'habit' elsewhere and sort practicalities out. This is not a habit, its a full on personality flaw that makes him need to constantly seek 'a buzz' be it innocent enough or not. He will always need that ego boost. You will spend years that you should be enjoying your child just snooping and feeling insecure . If it was a total one off event I would say to maybe see if it happened again, but clearly it has, even though he knows full well its not at all acceptable. There is absolutely no point being married if this sort of stuff is what he gets off on. Sorry OP, its really nothing you are doing or arent doing. I think he could be with Miss Universe with the cooking of Nigella LAwson and he would still have the same 'habit' .

PNGirl · 09/02/2018 17:37

You've got 2 choices really. He stops, he deletes snapchat, and you spend the next 40 years checking any and all forms of technology in case he has slipped. Or you tell him that you're worth more than this level of disrespect and he can send mucky messages to his heart's content from a bachelor pad.

With regards to counselling, I'm sure he'd find a wonderful childhood trauma or previous ex related excuse as to why he does this. I wouldn't want to give him that chance.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2018 17:40

Just leave him. No man is worth this shit.

Emmageddon · 09/02/2018 17:43

Give him an ultimatum. Stop the flirty chat with other woman or your marriage is over. Then make plans to separate - tell him to leave to start with. Talk to CAB about your options.

DrCoconut · 09/02/2018 17:50

Find a good solicitor and move forward through their door. Leave him and rebuild your life. It doesn't improve, it gets worse and I'm going through a divorce because of this issue. Any promise to stop is bullshit I'm afraid.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 09/02/2018 17:53

Hi op,

I don't think you can stay with this man. He has hurt you and (quite rightly) you don't trust or respect him. You don't want a physical relationship with him and you are never going to be content or at ease in this relationship because you will have to constantly check up on him.

He has proved to you time and time again he cannot be trusted and he betrayed you at your most vulnerable time in life, while you were pregnant and and whilst you were a new mother.

Is this really what you want? You deserve better. Just think, what would you say if in 20 years time your daughter comes to you and says she has found out her partner has been sexting and taking an interest in random women when she needed him most? What would you advise? Would you want this for her? I doubt it. You should value yourself more. This man will never make you happy. I know you don't want to leave but is "muddling through" really the best you think you can do in life?

Original poster

iheartpeonies · 09/02/2018 19:55

Thank you for all of your messages.

It's not a positive read- I think all have been honest to say get out. I just don't see me raising my family alone and without him. I was hoping for some happier endings...it seems they don't exist.

Thanks again xx

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/02/2018 19:58

Turkkadin · 09/02/2018 23:51

You haven't heard any tales of happy endings so far because there arnt any!! You say in the opening line of your post that he has a very long history of inappropriate contact with other women. You thought he wouldn't continue when you gave him a beautiful child but low and behold he did. You are never going to get the roses around the door.
Staying married to this man is entirely your right but as long as you stay you will always be feeling sick inside with the stress of this awful situation.

Strongvegetables · 10/02/2018 00:06

Come on iheart dig deep.

Show your daughter how not to be a push over. Would you really encourage her to stay with a bloke that hurts her so much?

I raised my dd1 for 15 years by myself. Men don’t ‘save’ you.

velouria · 10/02/2018 00:26

I had the same with an ex, thankfully no kids together. He was constantly on dating sites in the early days which I objected to (that was least of it as it turns out). These guys have no morals, idd that you don't even know the half of it. It's so easy these days, so many sites etc. If he is that way inclined I doubt he will ever give up.

He will boo hoo, promise the world blah de blah, whilst still doing exactly as he pleases.

Fuck him off.

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