How do I move forward...sexting husband

[iheartpeonies]

I'm not sure what I need to do to make peace with my situation. My husband (of 5 years) has always had a terrible habit of making contact with other women online, and more recently on social media (Snapchat as it happens). It's not a new discovery, but to be honest I have been in denial about how serious this issue was until last October. I read messages that had been sent between him and a few women. They were graphic and sexy- and what hurt most was that he was simply interested in these other women, engaging in kind conversation about their troubles. What makes it worse in my eyes is that we have a young daughter. The latest discovery knocked me sideways because I just naievely thought he wouldn't go there any more since we have started our family. I have learned that he was doing this throughout my pregnancy and in our daughters first year. I've cried, so has he and he has tried to explain it to me. He believes it's a habit and not a desire to be with somebody else. He accepts it's cheating- in the past has said it isn't. If my situation was different, I might have left. I didn't and we've muddled through. I'm resentful and hurt and our relationship is not what I think we deserve. He's gone to a counsellor and is on a programme for 'addiction'...I just don't buy it and he's stopped trying to explain it to me. But he is doing, he says, all he can to make this better. I don't think I will leave him- but I feel like we're stuck in this sexless (because of my choice) relationship with a beautiful daughter. I feel like he's shattered my hopes of having another child with him because I don't trust him. How can I move forwards. If I'm not leaving him, I need to make this better.

Should we go to couples counselling? Has anybody successfully got through a similar situation with their partner? xx

Addiction is one thing but why is he on the sites? I know someone who does it too - he would never actually do anything in real life but enjoys that sort of chat with other women.

You say you have a sex less marriage but any reason for it?

Leaving is all fine and dandy but not sure your daughter will thank you in years to come.

I think you need to investigate with him the drivers of his behaviour.

Re above post, please please dont stay in a miserable relationship because its what your daughter would prefer. Its best that children are raised in a house without conflict, and shown a healthy relationship. Your DC will use your relationship to map out their own ideas about what constitutes a good relationship. My parents are together, and happy, but as a teenager my dad treated her badly. I would have preferred her to have left him. Im happy theyre happy now, years later, but it fucks me off that he did that and got away with it and as a result my relationship with my dad is strained. No one wants to see their mum treated like an idiot. So stay with him if thats what you want- but if you dont want your daughter caught in the cross fire then you need to make it work. Your most obvious options are:

• you somehow forget about it, let it carry on, and hope/trust it doesnt progress. With no resentment.

Practically impossible IMO.

1. He makes a commitment to stop, and you work through it with counselling, etc. Maybe you will be in a better place after this and a couple of years.

1. You leave.

I would go for option 3. But thats because like some other people I have had ex's who have done this sort of thing. I couldnt trust someone like that again. I lost all respect for my ex. I stopped wanting to have sex with him and we ended up in a weird relationship where I was civil, but disgusted by him, and he was desperate to "change". He had 3 years to change. Its not like you have to be caught to realise theres a problem!

I know when you're looking at the prospect of splitting up, it looks really hard, especially if your dd is still very small. But struggling on emotionally with someone like this is soul destroying.

Maybe you're not ready yet. I'd start making plans to be ready - whatever that might look like : a fuck off fund, retraining/improving your employability. Getting yourself to a place where you feel you could go it alone is never a bad thing - you could still choose to stay. If you won't leave, then work on making the rest of your life good, and not all reliant on him whether financially or socially.

These guys use this to boost their self image , to create a little imaginary life and to give themselves some wank fodder . You sound like a young woman - take this from a much older one, move on and get a life that you deserve while you have the chance - a sexless marriage with a knob like this is not what you deserve. You only have one life . Don't be scared . He is cheating on you . It's not just a "terrible habit ".

Happy endings don’t always come packaged as you imagine they will. This may be the start of wonderful things for you! But you must start believing you deserve them. Putting up with a straying, disrespectful wannabe shagger is not where happy endings lie. Time to take stock of what you want from a relationship, and from life, and what kind of examples you want to set your daughter, and take steps to make that happen. Good luck

Hustle I honestly do think his actions are limited to the laptop/mobile phone too- but I'm not ok with this. He is dealing with the 'drivers' as you put it. He finds it hard to articulate well but has said it's thrill seeking and something he's done since early days of internet when single, many moons ago. It's got in the way of a previous relationship and has clearly continued through ours. We're not having sex because I just don't want to. Maybe it's withholding the goods as a punishment. I don't want to be intimate with him- yet I am missing the closeness. I've never felt I'm as sexual as him- we've talked about that as a problem but he says it's nothing to do with his actions. Who knows.

I'm grateful for all the empowering advice. Our relationships impact on my daughter is always at the forefront of my mind xx

I don't think he will stop doing it if he knows he can get away with it hope you can move forward

My husband (of 5 years) has always had a terrible habit of making contact with other women online

It isn't a habit, it's a conscious decision.

They were graphic and sexy- and what hurt most was that he was simply interested in these other women, engaging in kind conversation about their troubles.

Whoh! So he was responding in a sexual manner whilst being emphatic? Sounds like a sort of grooming, taking advantage of their situation? You also appear to have minimised his interaction?

The latest discovery knocked me sideways because I just naively thought he wouldn't go there any more since we have started our family.

Do you think you engaged in Magical Thinking?

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2015/07/13/the-perils-of-magical-thinking/amp/

I'm resentful and hurt and our relationship is not what I think we deserve.

You say we which implies he had no control over his actions and these things happen to him like he's a victim of circumstance? He did these things to you OP, he's done them in spite of you and your relationship.

He's gone to a counsellor and is on a programme for 'addiction'...I just don't buy it and he's stopped trying to explain it to me.

Do you think this is your gut instinct kicking in like 'you know' the real reason isn't addiction?

But he is doing, he says, all he can to make this better. I don't think I will leave him- but I feel like we're stuck in this sexless (because of my choice) relationship with a beautiful daughter.

What do you foresee happening when you're withholding sex from a man who appears to be looking elsewhere for sex?