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Original poster

I am over reacting

33 replies

Teakay · 09/02/2018 12:59

I have been with my current partner for 4 years. We got together soon after her previous relationship of 10 years ended after a nasty fight between her ex and son. She has always been very dismissive of her past relationships and mentions this guy quite often and how nasty he was etc.
She has always been very jealous to the point I keep female friends at a distance and has made a big thing of not doing things I did with ex's - I am younger than her and she constantly wants reassurance I am not going to run off with a younger girl to start a family. I have never cheated in my life and it is not something I have thought about but know she did with her husband (resulting in her son). She was engaged to her last ex but had previously said she didn't really want to be and that he gave her a cheap ring etc. She wants us to get engaged but having asked previously she is adamant that it is done "properly" with the ring she wants romantic venue abroad etc though it would require me taking out a loan to cover the costs.

We always go to the same resort on holiday as it is her "special place". She told me she only ever went there with her son.

We are redecorating and she had left stuff out for me to put into the attic. She hates clutter so only keeps stuff that is sentimental to her. As I move collection of stuff to the attic I was present with the open album from her engagement party on the page of her looking longingly into the eyes of the guy "She didn't" want to get engaged to opposite the next picture of them on the beach we visit tonguing each other on there post engagement holiday. I am a pretty relaxed guy, but seeing these pictures makes my question her real feelings for this guy - why was the album left open on this page? I have told her I don't want to visit that resort again as it is their "special place", but she thinks this isnt fair (even though she doesn't want to go places she thinks I might have gone with other girls. She said that relationship wasn't real and was just about sex (having previously said how rubbish the sex was - though guess this was just to try and massage my ego - it certainly wasn't prompted). That has just made things worse as while the passion was great to start with she doesn't seem that interested. When were started seeing each other she had lots of stockings, lingerie etc but never wore them while we have been together or made that kind of effort for me and cuts short any effort to put the spark back in our sex life. I know some of this is down to where she is in her life and that I am jealous that he was with her at that time of her life. She says I am the best relationship she has had on every level but I feel like maybe i am just the safe option.

Sorry for the essay! Am I being unreasonable about not wanting to revisit her old stomping ground that has memories with her ex? Was what the told me before, just because she was saying what she thought i wanted to hear or for darker reasons.

OP posts:
roastpotato87 · 09/02/2018 13:03

please dont take out a loan to propose to this woman. dont live beyond your means.

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/02/2018 13:14

Wow. Major double standards! What's the rest of relationship like: finances, division of labour, housing situation, affection etc?
But i would say I've had a relationship based on sex, and only afterwards realised it was bloody awful sex! Lol

Offred · 09/02/2018 13:17

This relationship is a complete mess. She sounds like she shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone until she has sorted herself out.

I’m not sure why you are in it either TBH never mind actually considering marriage and taking out a loan to pay for an engagement!

Gemini69 · 09/02/2018 13:27

She sounds like a hypocritical manipulative piece of work OP... I agree with the other comments.. do not take out a loan to Propose to this woman.. in fact do not propose at all Flowers

serialcheat · 09/02/2018 13:28

You're the safe option !!!!

In four years, she can't dress up in stockings and sexy lingerie even once..... And you are supposed to be the best relationship she's ever had !?

Your sex life is dwindling, yet she is still seemingly ' pining ' for her ' crap ' ex !?

Whilst laying down ridiculous demands !?

How old are you both ?

I'm guessing she's around 49 and you are 35 !?

Vernazza · 09/02/2018 13:31

Surely this should be about more than just whether or not you holiday in her old stomping grounds: she's selfish, has double standards, cheated on her ex-husband, makes no effort in your sex life, and is very jealous. Not exactly what I'd call a catch OP. You can do better. Run.

Glasshalffull74 · 09/02/2018 13:40

After four years you shouldn't need to spice up a dwindling sex life ??

She sounds like a bunny bolier and whilst no one should experience violence in a relationship, you still have only heard her side. Making you go to only one resort she discovered with her ex and never explore and discover any new places with you is selfish and very strange.

I would run very quickly away from this woman as fast as you can !

yetmorecrap · 09/02/2018 13:59

I think she sounds a bit of a 'user' and a materialistic one at that. Its quite ludicrous to tell you she likes going somewhere and only with her son, when that is clearly not the case. I have a horrible feeling she is looking only for 'security' and thinks you can offer that , depends if that bothers you.

NotTheFordType · 09/02/2018 14:04

She sounds incredibly controlling and possibly borderline abusive.

She deliberately left open for you to find a photo of her and ex having oral sex?! I mean that is just nasty!

She sounds like she's in need of some pretty intense therapy before she's ready to be in a relationship.

Do you tend to be a bit of a people-pleaser, OP?

thoughtcatalog.com/hardeep-kaur/2014/01/8-signs-youre-in-a-controlling-relationship/

letsdolunch321 · 09/02/2018 14:09

WTF..... you sound a genuine guy and she sounds like a piss taker. Why even have photos of her ex if she is moving on.

No way should you go to “their place”. WHY would you go to the restaurants/resort they have visited !!!

If she wants a ring - let her wait until you are double sure she is worth giving your heart to.

Good luck

TheNaze73 · 09/02/2018 14:09

Does she have any redeeming features? You can do far better than this. This isn’t normal.

Original poster
Teakay · 09/02/2018 14:32

Her argument is that she went to this resorted before she went with her ex (twice) and it has memories of taking her son there. I am guessing she went there with previous ex's.

Her afair when married was in her twenties and she said was an escape cry to get out of unhappy marriage with husband as she found him boring.

The dwindling sex life she says is due to being peri-menapausal and unhappy with her body and doesn't feel sexy with cellulite etc though she is a personal trainer so has a body most girls would love. I have just moved into my 40's while she is 9 yrs older.

She says she would be destroyed if I left her. I don't know if she pines for her ex but surprised given her previous comments that she kept the photos. To be fair she is good at sharing costs etc and the house is hers (I pay rent/bills) but she was left with big credit card debts by her ex so in the past I have had to help her by paying for her car repairs etc.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 09/02/2018 14:45

She says she would be destroyed if I left her
Oh dear - that's pure manipulation right there!
I don't think you want this anymore.
Do you have kids at all?
Do you want them?
This may have run it's course.
Don't stay in a relationship for someone else.
You get one shot at this life.
Live it to the fullest.

I am peri-menopausal and I still want sex all the time.
I'm sure it's different for everyone but...!?

Original poster
Teakay · 09/02/2018 15:03

No I wouldn't say I am a people pleaser. I generally stand my ground. She and her friends have suggested in the past that I help pay the mortgage, but her son seems very worried about is inheritance from his gran and mum and if something happened I don't want the headache he would be - plus I am lucky to come from a family with property/land assets so would rather be in the position I could walk away.

OP posts:
Winteriscoming18 · 09/02/2018 15:09

The only photos I have of me and ex is ds christening and that’s been kept at my mothers attic.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/02/2018 16:47

She and her friends have suggested in the past that I help pay the mortgage
WOW - why should you?
Will you have share in the property if you do that?
I doubt it, so you'll be basically paying to help set her up for the future.
Win/win for her.
Lose/lose for you.
This is dead.
Stop flogging a dead horse.

Original poster
Teakay · 09/02/2018 16:47

We knew each other before getting together as we were in the same sports club and she is regarded as a genuinely nice person by every one that knows her - she is very caring and will help anyone. However her past seems very f'ed up, and she can be emotionally manipulative. When I was saving to replace my car, she wanted another holiday and laid it on pretty thick. Parts of her past she was very secretive about and said tge pastvwasnt my business and should only care forvthe future - she use to say how her son's dad had not contributed a penny and I thought she meant her ex husband which I thought was shocking as he is in the police. However in fact he had stuck with her for a few years after the affair raising he son as his own to start with which is more than id have done. When I said she should pursue back payments she was very defensive - eventually I found out why.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 09/02/2018 17:02

Nice and caring people can still have a side to them that others do not see OP , and I dont think she has any right to ask you to pay the mortgage with no share in the property, you pay rent and bills, that sounds fine to me. It all sounds a bit 'using' but I guess only you can know if you get that feeling, as its you in the relationship.

MistressDeeCee · 09/02/2018 17:03

You sound very submissive to her. You are likely a good person but I think you know this is a toxic relationship, and you are being used. Why don't you just leave? You're not married, you don't have children. Do you think she's suddenly going to turn into the woman you want her to be? She doesn't even want to sleep with you. You can't even choose where you go on holiday. Why are her friends privy to your relationship business? It just sounds like a load of mess to be honest. There are far easier ways to have a relationship. If she's pining for her bad boy ex then let her, but there's no law says you have to be her Mr Safe & Nice Guy whilst she's doing that. She may well be devastated if you leave her as you're likely propping her up - but I bet if her ex turned up with a proposition you'd be dead in the water, "devastated" would be swiftly out of the window. Go and do better for yourself.

MexicanBob · 09/02/2018 17:07

Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. You'll be happier in the long run having nothing to do with this controlling, somewhat bizarre, woman.

MikeAlphaMikeAlpha · 09/02/2018 17:12

She sounds troubled, could you suggest counseling or would she lose her shit?
If you are questioning all these things it's clearly not right.
I personally wouldn't want to keep going to the same holiday destination year after year but each to their own.
I take it you pay rent to stay with her? I don't think it's off to ask a partner to contribute but I would not go getting on the mortgage right now.
The dressing up thing- maybe she never enjoyed doing that so don't take offense that she's not done it for you Wine

Original poster
Teakay · 13/02/2018 12:53

I wouldn't say I am that submisive. I generally stand my ground. Which is why we are not married and I havent taken on her debts etc. She is generally a lovely person who is always willing to help her friends and family. However her past has rather shocked me (perhaps why she has been very guarded about it saying it is not my business and suggesting her past relationships were meaningless to her even at the time.
She suggests She has always been honest but

OP posts:
Offred · 13/02/2018 12:58

Do you not think that staying in a relationship with someone like this is quite submissive in itself though?

Being submissive to her doesn’t mean you always do everything that she says. It just means that she generally runs the show, which she does...

And you are not happy about that, which means you don’t actually want to be submissive to her and she is actually abusive... no matter how nice she is to other people.

Offred · 13/02/2018 13:02

I mean come on just from their thread; she is unpredictable, a liar, a manipulator, a jealous controller... she makes a million demands of you and doesn’t sacrifice anything at all in return. She won’t compromise, she makes everything about her...

But she is sometimes nice to other people?!

It’s madness. IMO you are still with her because you are afraid of her and you have good reason to be afraid because she is a horrible partner (even if you still believe she may be a nice person).

Offred · 13/02/2018 13:04

She doesn’t actually care for you at all and when this relationship ends you will be another story of a man she didn’t care about who was just keeping her bed warm ready for the new ‘love of her life’ (for about 6 months before she starts being unsatisfied again).

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