I am over reacting

[Teakay]

I have been with my current partner for 4 years. We got together soon after her previous relationship of 10 years ended after a nasty fight between her ex and son. She has always been very dismissive of her past relationships and mentions this guy quite often and how nasty he was etc.
She has always been very jealous to the point I keep female friends at a distance and has made a big thing of not doing things I did with ex's - I am younger than her and she constantly wants reassurance I am not going to run off with a younger girl to start a family. I have never cheated in my life and it is not something I have thought about but know she did with her husband (resulting in her son). She was engaged to her last ex but had previously said she didn't really want to be and that he gave her a cheap ring etc. She wants us to get engaged but having asked previously she is adamant that it is done "properly" with the ring she wants romantic venue abroad etc though it would require me taking out a loan to cover the costs.

We always go to the same resort on holiday as it is her "special place". She told me she only ever went there with her son.

We are redecorating and she had left stuff out for me to put into the attic. She hates clutter so only keeps stuff that is sentimental to her. As I move collection of stuff to the attic I was present with the open album from her engagement party on the page of her looking longingly into the eyes of the guy "She didn't" want to get engaged to opposite the next picture of them on the beach we visit tonguing each other on there post engagement holiday. I am a pretty relaxed guy, but seeing these pictures makes my question her real feelings for this guy - why was the album left open on this page? I have told her I don't want to visit that resort again as it is their "special place", but she thinks this isnt fair (even though she doesn't want to go places she thinks I might have gone with other girls. She said that relationship wasn't real and was just about sex (having previously said how rubbish the sex was - though guess this was just to try and massage my ego - it certainly wasn't prompted). That has just made things worse as while the passion was great to start with she doesn't seem that interested. When were started seeing each other she had lots of stockings, lingerie etc but never wore them while we have been together or made that kind of effort for me and cuts short any effort to put the spark back in our sex life. I know some of this is down to where she is in her life and that I am jealous that he was with her at that time of her life. She says I am the best relationship she has had on every level but I feel like maybe i am just the safe option.

Sorry for the essay! Am I being unreasonable about not wanting to revisit her old stomping ground that has memories with her ex? Was what the told me before, just because she was saying what she thought i wanted to hear or for darker reasons.

There are tons of women around your age or younger who would love a bloke like you. Don't tie yourself to this manipulative witch!

It doesn't sound good OP- you are not being treated fairly. I think you should probably rethink the relationship

She might be nice to other people, and in public, but I don't think she's particularly nice to you.

She sounds a nightmare. You're a relatively young guy still. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? Or until she's bored with you and finds someone else?

So did you ask her to marry you previously and she declined because it wasn't the big ring and exotic romantic venue?

Please do not take out any loans for this person.

I think you both sound too hung up on her exes and it isn't a good sign (either of her level of commitment or your security with the relationship). In the early days, yes, exes do sort of come up in conversation, might overshadow aspects of the relationship to a degree, etc. We all have pasts and those pasts don't just disappear, especially when you're older, have children, have had serious long term relationships, etc. But 4 years in, neither of you should be dwelling on her exes anymore in a health relationship. I've certainly taken my now dh to places I went to with my exes. Not so much on holiday (I didn't really 'holiday' back that as I was in my 20s and didn't have that kind of money), but places I used to go with them, special restaurants I really liked, etc. It's part of my history too and I like those places. I didn't go to them though because I used to go their with my exes. I genuinely just like them. I'm also still friends with several exes. My dh and I went to one's wedding when he got married. It's not weird because there is no weirdness and no one is hung up on anyone else. I think being 4 years into a relationship and still looking at pictures of life with an ex is a bit weird though and getting worked up about going to places you/she might have gone with an ex also just sounds insecure (on both parts). In the early months/year, maybe understandable because it's so new. But 4 years in, your relationship should be more secure than this. The fact it's not is a sign it's probably not right for you long term. Never mind the unreasonable demands for an engagement. My dh could have proposed to me in a brown paper bag and I would have been thrilled because I loved him and wanted to be with him. If it's more about the day and the ring, she's not really that into you and it sounds like you are setting yourself up to be hurt.

Double standards I wouldn't go on holiday where her and ex have been and why would she want to u would want to go somewhere new to start new memory's and you wouldn't keep those photos as they have no significance to her if she only keeps out keep sakes then why are they only going in loft now would they not have been in loft years ago I wouldn't pay mortgage as it's not in u're name and u're not entitled to any gain from it I also wouldn't pay her debts that's upto her and wouldn't have gone on holiday and spent the money I was saving for car she is saying all these things about ex cause she can't come out and say all these great things about it incase it hurts ure feelings but this relationship isnt what u want long term it seems there's to much drama and hardly any sex so get out now and find someone more compatible

You would be making a big mistake staying with her.

She's a proven cheater... to the point of getting pregnant by the OM... so you know she'll have no problem doing the same to you if she gets bored.

You're giving up having kids to be with her..when she's very manipulative.

At your age you can easily get a good woman with no baggage.

Your relationship doesn't seem equal and she comes across as the dominant one...you being submissive although you deny this.

Get out now and do NOT look back. She's a piece of work.