No support. Abusive ExDH

[abusiveex]

I have some emotional support but in terms of practical support I have zero. I'm financially unable to afford babysitters. I'm severely depressed and I keep putting up with ExDH out of necessity really... practically I NEED that break but he knows this and it's getting worse. He cuts contact with DS as punishment to me, he launches tirades at me then cuts any avenue I would have to respond, I have pleaded with him to stop attacking me for the sake of DS as it affects DS ultimately.

In any other situation I would remove ExDH completely but I have no family nearby, and having moved away from a dysfunctional childhood never really made close friendships, my life is an absolute disaster zone right now. I'm recovering from a pretty horrific childhood incident that sparked a MH crisis when someone got in touch with me to discuss it last year. The idea of telling other parents is petrifying. Plus I couldn't return the favour and look after other kids right now, it's just too much currently.

I'm one day going to be pushed to the edge completely and end up either giving up DS or giving up life. I honestly feel that's what ExH is hoping for now but it's not even like he wants to take him or is battling for him it's just like he thinks I should put DS in care and am a shit mum. Nobody else says this... school, anyone I've contacted in terms of professionals for support back me and say I'm trying very hard to be a good mum in light of my own depression and that I always seek support etc, always put DS needs first in my mind

Surely there's someone who will work with an abuser to get them to stop for a child's sake? Everyone pussy foots around him and if I could just delete I would but he's not abusive to DS other than via his hatred of me. Practically I need that headspace and to know if I am sick... DS has somewhere to go, if I need that breather to rebuild my life and make friends/relationships with a night off once a week/fortnight that DS has somewhere to go.

My physical health isn't great, let alone my mental health right now but I can't take the bullying via his attacks on my parenting anymore. Nobody shares his concerns, they're merely attacks and trying to destroy my confidence in myself and my parenting but my son is the one who will suffer most if this carries on any longer

You poor thing contact social services and explain situation with see if they can help also women's aid as they can help you don't give up ure son your unwell and being tortured by this man he is using the fact u still need him for things and he is making u I'll do not put up with this don't let him win he is torturing u and u need to get away from him and have no contact phone these places asap and ask for help

Surely there's someone who will work with an abuser to get them to stop for a child's sake?

This doesn't work, I'm afraid.

It's a tough one, but there are things you can do. You're not going to fix it all at once, but you can take steps to making it better. For example:

1. Practise self-compassion and self-care. You're doing so well to have got yourself out of the relationship. Go easy on yourself. It will benefit your child.
2. His attacks on your parenting. You can't turn this around in a day, but I've found that the best way is to appear utterly bored and indifferent. If your ex can see that he is getting to you in this way, he'll keep doing it. If my ex starts, I tend to gaze into the middle-distance with my mouth hanging open, looking like I'm miles away. It's my version of the rock technique. [[http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock/]]
3. For a break from parenting, I'm not sure how old your DS is. I've found it easier as my dd has got older - if she has a friend over, they disappear off to plot together, so it's like a break in itself. Ideally the other parent returns the favour, and then there's an extra break. I know you've said you're not in that place right now, so I really just wanted to say that this is something that gets better by itself over time, so there is hope for the future.

I suppose what I'm saying is that there is no point focusing on what can make your ex behave better. You just have to accept that he won't change, and within these constraints, look for little ways to make your life better.

Sorry for crappy link. Trying again:

rock [[http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock/]]

Grr. Another go:

[[http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock gray rock]]