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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dumped again and so sad

41 replies

Lovecats000 · 08/02/2018 18:15

Hi, I was recently ghosted after a long relationship that went tits up very abruptly.

About 3 months later I tried OLD and met a guy. He is honestly everything I want in a man, clever, funny, caring, sharp, gorgeous, and we saw each other for about 2-3 months. I know that's not long but the chemistry was great and we got on brilliantly.

We took it quite slowly as he has a very difficult job with insane hours and we live about an hour and a half apart. I really saw potential and a future with him (as much as you can when it's that new).

Yesterday received an ominous 'we need to talk type text. He came over and very gently broke up with me in person, getting quite emotional as his work makes it impossible for him to make time for a relationship, due to physical exhaustion. We had a hug which led to sex and more cuddles until late. He said a lot of lovely things about me and we both said we felt it wasn't the last time we would see each other.

We didnt talk about staying friends or anything as id hate to see him with someone else.

He texted on arriving home as it was a long drive. I didn't answer. I just don't feel like this is the end and there is huge potential between us. I would like to bring more to his life than just be on a list of chores, work and sleep.

Does anyone have any advice on how to go forward? Try and move on or keep in touch? The work situation is long term and we haven't got any common friends or hobbies or anything that would facilitate staying in touch. Should i reply to last nights text? Feeling shitty so please be gentle!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovecats000 · 08/02/2018 18:18

God that was long, sorry!

OP posts:

Olympiathequeen · 08/02/2018 18:28

I wouldn’t reply, there’s no point. He’s ended it. For him you are clearly not enough of a priority. Sorry, but I think you just need to chalk this up to experience.

hattyhighlighter · 08/02/2018 18:28

Go no contact for 6 months is the general advice I think on breaking up. If he wants to get back in touch or regrets it then he will, but generally a man who wants to be with you won't be breaking up with you. Sorry OP, it's hard I know.

Canyouguess · 08/02/2018 18:29

What did his text say?

mommybear1 · 08/02/2018 18:30

I'm sorry this has happened to you . I'd be careful about keeping In touch - clearly you have strong feelings and are feeling quite vulnerable at the moment I would suggest some space will help and also you say that things got physical last night after the break up, you wouldn't want to end up in a friends with benefits situation where you clearly have stronger feelings for this chap. One thing you may want to try (and I appreciate this is early days) but say yes to every invitation you get from friends/family - I had a similar situation to you. Did the "say yes" thing and met my hubby that way within a year. More than anything else it will get you out and about and distracted from the situation- at least a little! Good luck, stay strong and keep your chin up

Marshy · 08/02/2018 18:30

Would those things have stopped you seeing him if it was the other way around? I'm guessing probably not.
If he wanted to see you he would. He's done a good thing by not ghosting. Don't let him mess with your head now. Move on.

Canyouguess · 08/02/2018 18:31

Regardless, he’s dumped you OP. We don’t dump people unless we don’t want to be with them.
Hold you head up and move on. You’ll be fine.

krustykittens · 08/02/2018 18:33

He has broken up with you, the relationship is over. Move on or it will wreck your head. He could have made you a priority if he wanted to. I am so sorry, but at least you are free to meet someone who WILL make you a priority. x

DatingExperience · 08/02/2018 18:37

It is sad, and I'm sorry it got to this, but listen to what he is telling you. The relationship is over. Don't keep any doors open. Block and move on. You sound like an intelligent and warm person. He doesn't have the privilege of these features any more. Save it for someone who can care for you.

Be your own best friend! Stay strong

Original poster

Lovecats000 · 08/02/2018 18:38

Canyouguess- it said that he'd arrived home safely and quite a general compliment (Don't want to repeat it exactly). So not leading in any way. God you're all right but it doesn't half hurt

OP posts:

DatingExperience · 08/02/2018 18:39

Say thank you, then delete the text and block his number.
Don't pave the way to temptation for yourself.

hattyhighlighter · 08/02/2018 18:43

I'd delete his number but not block it, maybe write down the last 3 digits. So if he contacts you again saying he's made a massive mistake or whatever then you can consider it, but you're not tempted to contact him in the meantime. Mostly though, if someone breaks up with you they're unlikely to change their mind.
It does hurt. Be kind to yourself OP nothing wrong with you, he just didn't see you as compatible but another man will do.

Marshy · 08/02/2018 18:45

Yes it hurts and that's horrible....but if you let him keep his foot in the door he'll be blocking the way for the man who can really give you what you want.
Let him go....

Orangecake123 · 08/02/2018 18:46

The same advice- but do not contact him again for a minimum of 30 days then take it one day at a time after that. This pain honestly will pass even though it doesn't feel like it right now but one day you will wake up and not even think about him.

Delete his number and block him from everything. Don't agree to see him again either- it will just lead to sex and confuse you more.Honestly I've tried to be friends with someone I was in love with it's not worth it. If he wanted to be with you he would.

DogBark · 08/02/2018 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

UndomesticHousewife · 08/02/2018 18:56

It’s shot when that happens. Don’t contact him or it will be harder.
Though if I’m honest it even though you think there was a future it doesn’t sound as if there was he lives really far away and didn’t have a lot of time to see you.

There will be someone lovely who lives a bit nearer.

Original poster

Lovecats000 · 08/02/2018 18:57

I wish it was BS, DogBark. Feeling like shite here thanks to the above situation, I assure you.

Thanks everyone else for such kind and wise comments. It does mean a lot for you to take the time to reply. I know deep down that if he wanted to make it work or felt strongly enough we'd have found a way xx

OP posts:

Maybellissimo · 08/02/2018 19:08

Don't contact him. i'm going through something similar right now and although it hurts like hell I know its for the best and I've gone NC. Hugs to you. It feels utterly shit but the feeling will pass. Promise xx

Huntinginthedark · 08/02/2018 19:10

Sorry there is just not a lot you can do about it. No matter how much you wish things were different.
I agree. Get some distance, don’t contact him. Have some time to yourself.
It’s fucking shit though
Time is the only healer, and fuck me I wish that wasn’t the case.
But until they can invent a drug which erases memories we don’t want, that’s the only option.
Hold your head up. You’re worth more

DogBark · 08/02/2018 19:17

I mean "his" story of why you need to break up.

DatingExperience · 08/02/2018 19:31

Well done, OP.

I also agree with this:
Time is the only healer, and fuck me I wish that wasn’t the case.
But until they can invent a drug which erases memories we don’t want, that’s the only option.

There may be no drug (unless you count wine, which might help erase some of the current processing) but you can re-tune thought patterns and distract yourself with friends, books, cinema, theatre, work, etc.

Make a list of what this man had, and then of what this man DID NOT have, for search of next partner, when you are ready.

Original poster

Lovecats000 · 08/02/2018 19:36

Sorry to hear you're going through similar crap, May. Hope you're feeling better soon xx

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 09/02/2018 00:53

To be frank to quote Miranda from Sex and the City, it sounds like 'he is just not that into you' In my experience when men are, they move heaven and earth to make time for you and keep you on tap, regardless of work. He may like you a lot, but isn't prepared to prioritise you at this moment in time ahead of other stuff. Maybe it is just bad timing , or maybe he is a nice guy and doesn't quite know how to say although he likes you, he doesn't like you quite enough to prioritise you. I would not block or anything, just don't contact, and move on and see what happens

Anonymoususer1938 · 09/02/2018 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 09/02/2018 07:46

Hi OP, I'm sorry you are hurting and I know how horrible that is but I have to be honest that when I read about him, my immediate instinct was that he is married or living with someone. He finished with you kindly - but still exploited your hurt and feelings for him to have sex with you at that point. That was pretty cruel.

My bet is that his wife or GF are suspicious that something is going on and he decided to end it 'nicely' to reduce any chance of you turning up on his doorstep. Have you been to his house or did he always come to you?

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