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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dumped again and so sad

41 replies

Lovecats000 · 08/02/2018 18:15

Hi, I was recently ghosted after a long relationship that went tits up very abruptly.

About 3 months later I tried OLD and met a guy. He is honestly everything I want in a man, clever, funny, caring, sharp, gorgeous, and we saw each other for about 2-3 months. I know that's not long but the chemistry was great and we got on brilliantly.

We took it quite slowly as he has a very difficult job with insane hours and we live about an hour and a half apart. I really saw potential and a future with him (as much as you can when it's that new).

Yesterday received an ominous 'we need to talk type text. He came over and very gently broke up with me in person, getting quite emotional as his work makes it impossible for him to make time for a relationship, due to physical exhaustion. We had a hug which led to sex and more cuddles until late. He said a lot of lovely things about me and we both said we felt it wasn't the last time we would see each other.

We didnt talk about staying friends or anything as id hate to see him with someone else.

He texted on arriving home as it was a long drive. I didn't answer. I just don't feel like this is the end and there is huge potential between us. I would like to bring more to his life than just be on a list of chores, work and sleep.

Does anyone have any advice on how to go forward? Try and move on or keep in touch? The work situation is long term and we haven't got any common friends or hobbies or anything that would facilitate staying in touch. Should i reply to last nights text? Feeling shitty so please be gentle!

OP posts:

RubyLux · 09/02/2018 07:56

^ I thought that!

Original poster

Lovecats000 · 09/02/2018 08:13

Morning all, thanks for the further replies.

Anonymoususer1938- i never once pressured him. As I say we took things quite slowly.

Ruby and Dancing- I must admit there were times I wondered if he was really working that late again (no fault of his, just me worrying as his hours are so unusually long).

The whole situation made me feel a bit insecure at times as I liked him so much (didn't tell him this/ ask for reassurance) but no, i genuinely have no reason to believe there was anyone else.

I went to his house several times and there was no sign of another woman. I honestly believe there wasn't anyone else.

OP posts:

demirose87 · 09/02/2018 08:21

Completely agree with Dancing. It's a bullshit excuse and he thinks low enough of you that he can end it with you but still try and get a shag in there. If he had any respect for you after ending it he would have left straight after and not had sex with you. Also it's possible he's enjoying the power trip knowing that you're still up for it after being dumped, clinging on to him in the hope it won't be the end. Don't settle for a man like this they are never worth it!

Chocolate123 · 09/02/2018 08:56

I've had something very similar recently and it hurt like hell. It's getting better now day by day. I deleted everything to stop temptation. I wouldn't be waiting around just in case he changes his mind because then he could do this again. I got myself back out there not taking it too seriously but the distraction is good. Be kind to yourself

HazelBite · 09/02/2018 08:59

My opinion is that there is some pressure/outside reason that he has finished it. This "reason" is more important to him than you are, yes he likes(d) you but you are not that important to him.
Something similar happened to me many , many, years ago, and I was distraught, and I couldn't understand why when everything was going so well and there was great chemistry between us. Years later I found out the reason.
Time is a great healer and he just was not the right person for you , try and break contact as he might want to keep you "on the back burner" but you deserve much better than this sort of treatment.
Head up, walk away, keep your dignity

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/02/2018 09:36

Whatever the reason (and you can drive yourself round the bend with looking at all the 'how long were his hours, he could have driven over after work, I wouldn't have minded how late' arguments) he has ended it. You have to respect his decision, even if you think it's wrong.

As others have said - no contact. Otherwise you are harassing someone and, essentially, telling them their decision was wrong. How would you feel if someone did that to you? Let him be. As a wise person said to me once, 'if it's meant to be, it will be'.

MoyoGaza · 09/02/2018 15:31

My heart goes out to you Lovecats000 but I think the opinions expressed are overwhelmingly right and I agree with most of what's been said already. I think you may need to shift your perspective a little bit and realise that it might actually be a great blessing to you that things have ended.

It's the head v heart thing but in this case I think you ought to follow the head. You don't know this guy enough to put all you life 's eggs in that bucket.
It's better things end this early on - rather than much later when you have poured enormous emotional capital into it. For all the good chemistry you describe, its possible, if not probable that, this guy was simply not on the same level as you are/were.
It is also possible that while things are great now, he could clearly see that you were headed for disaster. Maybe he knows the kind of person he is, and he has decided to spare you future pain.
I do not wish to repeat good points already made, but if you could find it in you, to let go of this one, and by all means grieve over it if you must, but this is not the one for you - otherwise it would not have ended!

Yes its ended on a somewhat good if weirdly -and darkly romantic note, but as someone has already said: if a guy is really into you, he will move mountains!
This is not to say he is not fond of you. He likes you a lot but at this moment, you both cannot give each other what you need. If he really wants a romantic relationship, he will find you - even if you delete his number (or migrate to Australia or Brazil!).
Finally....
You come across quite sweet and I would encourage you to pull yourself up and don't let go of your self esteem and self respect by throwing yourself to someone who has not prioritised you, even though he is polite, kind and all. Posses yourself my dearest and stay away from sex before....

Original poster

Lovecats000 · 10/02/2018 09:59

Thanks everyone.

I won't be making any contact. A couple of days' space has helped me to see that at the very least the timing was all wrong and I don't want to be such a low priority, for whatever reason that may be. It was frustrating and unsettling even though we were very happy when together or speaking.

Maybe we shouldn't have ideally had sex after breaking up but that's not a big deal, we were both consenting adults.

I'm not expecting to hear from him again, i'm out of sight, out of mind now and he has enough going on with work.

For me, I think the answer is to keep looking.

OP posts:

Orangecake123 · 12/02/2018 19:17

How are you doing?

Original poster

Lovecats000 · 12/02/2018 19:43

Thanks for checking in, orange, thats so kind.

I was doing well, sad but felt it was all probably for the best and even organised a couple of online dates over the weekend as distraction (original guy and I had had plans to meet so left me at a loose end for most of the weekend).

One seemed a nice guy, the other yesterday ended up being full of himself, handsy and waited for me outside the loo so he could grope me ("down there"), when I said I was leaving . I now feel shitty again but will get through it all. My friend came out to meet me after and was amazing.

OP posts:

Orangecake123 · 13/02/2018 10:13

The first couple of days are always the hardest, but it does get less harder. I did pretty much the same thing and met up with two other guys online, but the guy outside the bathroom sounds awful. Could you do small things that pick yourself up? Any movies you've wanted to see at the cinema? Could you book yourself in for a massage? Do you journal?

Your friend sounds fab!

hellsbellsmelons · 13/02/2018 10:55

waited for me outside the loo so he could grope me
WTF is wrong with some men.
Keep going. The right one will come along when you least expect it.

Yogagirl123 · 13/02/2018 11:07

Sorry you have broken up OP. It’s always upsetting I understand that, but have more respect for yourself, than having sex with someone that’s just broken up with you. He’s obviously not the nice person you thought he was. Forget him and move on. I hope you meet someone deserving of you very soon.

foodiefil · 13/02/2018 11:15

Maybe you need to leave the dating for a while. I know it's hard but put you first for a while. Time with friends, go to the gym or join a running club, do things and go places you want to go. The first guy you posted about was saying he didn't want to be with you but would gladly keep you on as a 'fwb'!

MyUsername200 · 13/02/2018 19:08

I agree about taking a break from dating. It might feel that it'll help but I find it only masks the pain, not allowing yourself to heal properly. Breaking up isn't fun at all, but as everyone says, the pain does lessen. It's so cliche but time really does heal.
Hope you're feeling a bit better.

Original poster

Lovecats000 · 16/02/2018 09:57

Yeah the bathroom guy was grim. Like being on a date with a randy octopus. I wouldn't mind so much but he talked non stop for an hour on how important sexual consent is and how much of a feminist he is. The tosser.

You guys might be right about leaving the dating for a while, I'm just very aware that I'd like to have children so don't want to leave it too late to meet anyone (I'm 32 and rationally know that's not too old, I'm just worrying!).

I'm going to the gym and seeing friends a lot, plus my hobbies. I'll get there.

OP posts:

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