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Relationships

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Original poster

what do you do when dp doesn't like your friends?

31 replies

wavesandwellies · 08/02/2018 17:37

my dp and best friend have fallen out. she thinks there's been a massive over reaction and things slightly taken out of context (won't go into detail as it could be outing).I don't think I would have reacted as he did but I completely understand why he's annoyed but I wish that 2yrs on, he could move on from it and it shouldn't be such an issue in our relationship.

this happend within the first 3 months of our relationship. myself and best friend didn't talk for sometime, we've since talked and resolved the issue between us (our friendship is still recovering and im not sure we'll ever be as close as we were) but dp doesn't want me to talk about her to him so nothing has been resolved between them.

he feels that I've taken sides and I'm that not loyal to him and I don't have his back.
I really do get that feeling but I feel that he shouldn't try and make me pick sides and she was my best friend, her dc and my dc (not his) were really close too and their friendship has suffered from it.

I mentioned to dp that I may possibly be seeing them soon and all hell broke loose.

I know any advice given will be difficult without knowing the full details but wwyd?
am I wrong for still wanting to be friends with her and not wanting our dc to miss out any longer?
should I have "had his back" and essentially gone NC with her?

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 08/02/2018 17:43

It really does depend on the situation...

I suppose generally, I’d say your friendships aren’t anything to do with him and he shouldn’t get involved. I’ve got friends my DH isn’t keen on, I see them alone with no issue at all.

However, did she try to lie about him? Smear him in some way? Then maybe it’s a more grey area.

If it’s a situation where he thinks she’s a bad influence, or she felt he was controlling you or limiting you then perhaps I’d be cautious about your partner.

Details are everything here I’m afraid.

AngelsSins · 08/02/2018 17:53

It's very hard to say without knowing the situation, could you give us a vague outline or a story that would be similar?

QuiteLikely5 · 08/02/2018 17:56

It really depends. If what she did impacted him or was about him then yes I think you owe him loyalty. However if she done something to you and you have forgiven her then he should accept it

LEMtheoriginal · 08/02/2018 17:57

The devil most definitely in the details.

It depends what your df did. My loyalties lie squarely with my Dp of 25 years but after 3 months?

Is it just this friend? Because isolating a partner from their friends is a classic red flag

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 08/02/2018 17:58

What I’d do is get a new DP.

MissWilmottsGhost · 08/02/2018 18:10

Firstly, no one should be trying to dictate who you can be friends with.

He doesn't like her. For him there is no past history with her to justify making it up with her, but for you several years of being a good friend (I assume) make it worth getting over one incident. She made a bad first impression, or at least early impression, and sadly that is likely to stick with him. But just because he doesnt want to be friends with her doesn't mean you can't continue your friendship with her. It is up to you, not him.

For me it is the other way round, my best friend didn't like my DP, and told me exactly what she thought of him after the first time they met. But DP became DH and we have been together now for nearly 20 years. I am also still friends with her.

I was very hurt by what she said and disappointed that she didnt support my decision, and things cooled between us for several years. We see each other less now and I don't think we will ever be as close as before, but she has changed her mind about him or at least has decided to keep her opinion to herself for my sake.

I think we all wish she had done that in the first place

Wherearemymarbles · 08/02/2018 18:34

Some people are naturally unforgiving. He is probably one of those. Unless he stops you seeing her I’d get on with it and dont talk about her to him.

Original poster

wavesandwellies · 08/02/2018 18:40

she told me something about him that she believed was true, i believe it was said as she thought it was in my best interest, not in a malicious way at all. what she told me did happen but not in the way that was told and it would have painted him in bad character if it had been true.

if this was to happen now then I would 100% be loyal to him, but as pp's have said, as it was only 3 months in.

while he doesn't actively stop me from seeing my friends, he hasn't got a good word to say about any of them.

OP posts:

Mary1935 · 08/02/2018 19:16

Is he controlling in any way? Can he really not like all your friends - I'd find that a bit odd!!! It's up to you who you go out with - they are YOUR friends not his. See them separately and ignore him.

diddlemethis · 08/02/2018 19:28

She told you something to protect you because she is your friend? And he had reacted by not wanting you to have her as a friend? RED FLAG!!

diddlemethis · 08/02/2018 19:30

It would have been healthier if he had been horrified by your friend "misunderstanding" his past behaviour, and had he reached out to her to explain the "truth", after all she is your friend, and who wouldn't want their partner to have pals who look out for them.

SilenceIsBroken · 08/02/2018 19:31

Yeah massive red flag. Sounds like she was being a mate. Are there other issues with your DP?

AnyFucker · 08/02/2018 19:32

Hang on...he wants to cut you off from all of your friends, not even just the one that supposedly said a bad thing about him ?

Run. Like the wind.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 08/02/2018 20:18

C'mon read back op and think it through. He doesn't like any of your friends? I see the flag from here.

Merryoldgoat · 08/02/2018 20:23

As always AnyFucker has hit the nail on the head.

Normal boyfriends and partners like us to enjoy ourselves separately and have fun with friends.

Careful you don’t turn round in 6 months and wonder where all your friends are...

ChickenMom · 08/02/2018 20:24

Is it just your best friend he has a problem with it all of your friends? If it’s all, then there’s a serious problem here and you should really rethink the relationship

Original poster

wavesandwellies · 08/02/2018 20:56

diddle I so wish that's how everything happened!

there's a group of 4 us that were all super close and he doesn't like any of them. albeit hes only met one, the first time that we met, and it's not the one that this is about.

there probably are a few red flags if I were to list other things but I just wanted clarity on this one particular situation at the moment.

OP posts:

Trills · 08/02/2018 21:04

He "doesn't like" a group of 4 friends, having only met 1 out of the 4?

You had a "super close" group of 4 friends and your boyfriend of 2 years has only met 1 of them?

How did this situation come about?

AnyFucker · 08/02/2018 21:06

What are you going to do about this, op ?

Cricrichan · 08/02/2018 21:16

Doesn't sound good that he doesn't like your closest friends despite not having met most of them.

Regarding the falling out it would depend on what it was. Some stuff I wouldn't be able to forgive and in your situation, though I'd be annoyed, it wasn't meant maliciously and was meant to help you.

pallisers · 08/02/2018 21:17

while he doesn't actively stop me from seeing my friends, he hasn't got a good word to say about any of them.

Massive red flag.

Your friend was only looking out for you by telling you what she did. presumably she wasn't lying or trying to be malicious. A reasonable person would understand her motivation and get over it. She might never be his favourite person but to bear a grudge as he has and demand you dump her is unreasonable.

I think you can do better.

Original poster

wavesandwellies · 08/02/2018 21:33

trills I guess because the falling out happened so soon within our relationship it.

any if he can't accept my friendship then so be it. he knows we'll never be as close as what were. he knows I've never expected him to want to be friends with her. There's so much more that Ive done, or has happened to prove that I'm there for him, if he can't see that or get past this then I can't see a future for us.

OP posts:

LuxuryWoman2017 · 08/02/2018 21:35

And now there are a few red flags? You are in charge of your life you know? Not him. Ignore the red flags if you must but it's foolish.

Failingat40 · 08/02/2018 23:41

He sounds extremely defensive op.

Being overly defensive and acting out is sometimes a sign of guilt.

The thing she told you...how do you know for sure that it wasn't true?

I'd imagine a friend would agonise over telling you something bad and it wouldn't have been done lightly.

Then again, without us knowing the full circumstances we can only judge on what you have written. Be wary of anyone who tries to separate you from long standing friends though.

Grunkle · 09/02/2018 00:40

You are in deep shit and need to run the fuck away from this situation, as quickly as you can

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