Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn’t want to live with me yet

33 replies

Polarbearflavour · 08/02/2018 13:28

Been dating for nearly a year, going well. Discussed future, marriage and baby in the next couple of years. So all good!

I’m moving location to live in the same city. I’m not happy where I am now and don’t like my job so I have nothing to lose. He’s military and lives in military accommodation at the moment.

I’m buying my own place but renting at the moment whilst I find somewhere.

He doesn’t want to move in with me until next year apparently. Is it just me or is two years of being in a relationship a long time to not live together? No children involved, no other factors.

OP posts:
Snowydaysarehere · 08/02/2018 13:29

So 2 more years of being 'courted' and no smelly laundry to pick up off the floor? Sounds bloody marvellous to me!!
Be patient!!

HTH546 · 08/02/2018 13:31

Two years is not too long. What’s the rush?

FlippingFoal · 08/02/2018 13:34

You won't be allowed to move into married quarters unless you are married - you may have got the wrong end of the stick...

www.gov.uk/guidance/defence-infrastructure-organisation-service-family-accommodation

OakIsBetterTho · 08/02/2018 13:36

2 years isn't very long really. Sounds perfectly normal to me. It's certainly not a bad idea to have yourself entirely set up independently

mindutopia · 08/02/2018 13:42

I think that's okay especially as you moving closer will be a big transition in your relationship already (new job for you and new home and living closer). My now dh and I were long distance for all but the first 7 months of the 3 years we were together before we got married. We only moved in together 4 months before we got married (about 2 years and 9 months after we first got together). Obviously, it's different because we couldn't live together sooner than that, but I do think it's sensible to give it time before jumping in. He probably wants to make sure your happy with your new city and new job and the changes in your relationship first before he gives up his accommodation and moves in, and that's reasonable enough.

hattyhighlighter · 08/02/2018 13:46

I wouldn't live with anyone for two years minimum. That's when the 'honeymoon period' wears off and you can see what sort of relationship you have as it matures. It's a big commitment and I think your boyfriend is being sensible.

Original poster
Polarbearflavour · 08/02/2018 13:57

Hi FlippingFoal - yep I know I can’t live in married quarters, I’ve got a nice one bedroom flat that I’m moving into and I’m buying my own place over the next few months.

Thanks for the replies - I’ve had two other long term relationships (7 years and 4 years) and moved in with them both after 6 months so maybe it’s good to leave it longer!

Just something about living together that’s nice. Waking up together, doing all the mundane household stuff and it just feels more coupley to me. But I guess I’ve really never lived on my own - but looking forward to it now after reading your replies!

OP posts:
ChaosNeverRains · 08/02/2018 14:00

I think its sensible.

The reality is that living together is bloody hard work even in the most committed of relationships because you go from having your own space etc to suddenly having to start sharing it with someone else, and even if you’re on the same page being in each other’s space all of the time takes huge amounts of adjustment.

If this is it for the long term for you then you have a lifetime to live together. I know plenty of people in happy marriages who even say that if their partner died and in two cases even when a partner has died, that although they might find someone else one day they would never live together again.

TheNaze73 · 08/02/2018 14:23

Two years is nothing. I understand his caution.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/02/2018 14:36

Ummm, but being military may mean that he will be moved around to other postings?

I would say move there only if you like the area, job potential, housing market all on your own. His being there may evaporate at any time.

Willswife · 08/02/2018 14:40

Living in your own is fantastic, enjoybit whilst you can!

Willswife · 08/02/2018 14:40

Enjoy it even!

Offred · 08/02/2018 14:46

I’d find it a bit full on TBH, after two years you are buying a property near his military accommodation?!

All my friends that have been in the military have been quite happy to travel a long way to see their partners because they were used to travelling anyway.

My friend was always up and down between Glasgow and Plymouth anyway...

If you are wanting to buy somewhere buy somewhere in a place that you want to live.

Also it is ridiculous to move in together after 6 months and two years is perfectly fine to be thinking about it but if you are wanting to give living together a try then stay in rented so that you can.

Offred · 08/02/2018 14:46

*leave easier

HTH546 · 08/02/2018 15:44

Yes I think 6 months is more unusual so perhaps your views are tainted by previous experiences.

HanutaQueen · 08/02/2018 19:23

6 months is short and tbh if he's not at that point now you are best waiting. I don't think it's a bad idea moving to be near him, when you're not happy anyway but I'd say also, if he's been in for a while and used to living in block then he will need a bit of adjustment to moving in to being a couple anyway. You'd want him to really be on the same place.

Military spouse life has its challenges. What happens when he is posted or deployed? Also, you can do all the coupley stuff when he comes to stay. If you find he's around a lot it will be a happy medium. Plus if he has early mornings he can stay in the block and not wake you up (voice of experience hahahaha). I don't live with my OH and if we got married we still wouldn't, at the moment, I'd be married unaccompanied and we would keep the arrangement we've got now.

Also, it would be really shit for you if he moved in and then you found that military GF life isn't for you and then all your memories of your lovely house would be tainted by the fact you moved there to live with him. I know people do it on civvy street all the time, move to be with someone, but there's definitely certain jobs where it's the job and not the person who break the relationship and I think military is one. x

Original poster
Polarbearflavour · 08/02/2018 19:51

I don’t want to be too outing but it’s not the kind of job where he is away or moves around - and will most likely be able to stay in the area I’m moving too.

Where I am now, houses are quite pricey but I can get somewhere really nice for not too much money in new location!

OP posts:
Offred · 08/02/2018 20:43

Well yes, but is he going to want to move into your house? Would you want him to acquire an interest in a house that is in your name? What happens if you break up and have moved your life to be near him?

There are plenty of places in the U.K. with cheaper housing, where he lives is not the only place you can afford to buy a house...

2rebecca · 08/02/2018 21:43

If he gets military accommodation then he probably doesn't want to spend extra money on a house he doesn't need even if it is with you. I'd say no rush if only a year

Cockmagic · 08/02/2018 21:45

You're probably scaring him off a little.

2 years is early days.

TryAgainAndAgain · 08/02/2018 21:48

Waking up together, doing all the mundane household stuff and it just feels more coupley to me

👀 Ugh, not sure that's selling it to me 😆

I think two years is a good amount of time. He will be able to stay at yours regularly and you can really find out if you re a good match.

I don't understand the rush.

MF49 · 08/02/2018 21:56

It may be just the initial idea of moving in together that could be scaring him but once you have your own place and he comes to stay/visit more and more he may start seeing it as his place to and decide living with you would be a good idea! My Bf used to come and stay with me a few times a week, which then turned into him leaving some bits and staying nearly every night, it got to the point where we just realised we were pretty much living with each other and loved it so made it official! If he's not ready but you still have a great relationship then I don't see a big issue right now, as long as things are still moving in the right direction and you're happy.

Myheartbelongsto · 08/02/2018 22:10

I think he's just using it as an excuse

Offred · 09/02/2018 07:55

Look at it this way;

You; ‘I’d like to move in together’
Him; ‘Errr... we haven’t been together long, maybe in a year’

You; ‘I’m gonna buy a house in the town where you live’

Offred · 09/02/2018 07:55

See how this is full on?

Swipe left for the next trending thread