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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Restraining order nearly finished. How do I keep him out of the house?

31 replies

Soopermum1 · 08/02/2018 12:06

Marriage deteriorated September 2016. Husband suffered mental health issues and assaulted me, threatened me with a knife and carved the word 'bitch' into the wall. He was arrested, restraining order placed, which he immediately breached and he pled guilty to all charges. Upshot is a restraining order until April 2018.

I continued to live in the family home (owned with mortgage) and paid for everything myself. Ex currently lives in a shared house some distance away. He has had sporadic contact with the kids but is currently seeing them for a few hours each week, unsupervised. We have 2 children, aged 14 and 4. The eldest stayed overnight with his dad for 2 nights, once, when I was desperate. Other than that, no overnight stays.

Ex has been receiving counselling and therapy, which he believes has helped him see things clearly. He was on heavy medication before the split, but I’m not sure if he’s on medication now. I don't believe the counselling has worked. he has recognised his past behaviour was appauling but, 18 months on, will still not accept it is over and thinks there is a chance that I will take him back.

I have categorically never given him false hope. I filed for divorce (he refused to acknowledge receipt of the divorce papers) and have moved on with my life, including meeting a new man.

Under the terms of the restraining order, he is forbidden from harassing me. If he is found to be harassing me, he will be jailed immediately for a few months. However, he has been harassing me since. He sends multiple emails and texts daily, when he picks up and drops off the kids he finds a reason to get into the house (needs to use toilet etc) and then either harasses me there, or on the doorstep if I refuse to let him in. All of this is done in front of the children and it is very distressing. He begs me to take him back and won’t accept my responses. I have not reported the harassment as I do not want him to go to jail.

The restraining order is now nearly up (April) and ex is preparing to move back. He is looking for employment nearby and believes he can come home. I have spelled it out very clearly in writing and verbally that this is not the case. I have kept all emails and they will prove the situation.

Eldest has been deeply affected by the split and is under the care of CAMHS. He seems to have forgotten his Dad’s abuse and believes him when he says he has changed and everything will be fine if he comes home. He hates me for refusing to allow his Dad to come home, and seeing a new man. I have always tried to be kind to his Dad wherever possible.

Ex has somewhere to live and enough savings to rent a flat of his own (though he chooses to remain where he is in the hope that I will relent.)

So, what is the best and cheapest method of ensuring he stays out of the house, for all of the reasons above? I will progress the divorce as soon as I have saved the £1500 fee up front that the lawyer is wanting.

OP posts:
OuchBollocks · 08/02/2018 12:09

By far the cheapest and easiest way is to report the harassment. When convicted the restraining order will be extended. You could also apply for a non molestation order but honestly you need to report the harassment, otherwise he will simply claim that he has been behaving beautifully - "if I had been harassing her, why didn't she say anything?" - and you will struggle. Maybe call Womens Aid for better advice.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/02/2018 12:20

Op

Your ex is irrational and that is why you needed a restraining order. Sadly you have continued to enable him to breach this order and therefore reduced the likelihood that you will get another.

The only sensible thing to do is send him one last warning that you will contact the police ASAP if he dares to breach it once more.

If you are feeling brave don’t even warn him just do it.

You cannot chabge people only your response to them.

No magic wand here. So take action

dizzy174 · 08/02/2018 12:23

does he have to collect dc from your house? and if so preferably with a family member in attendance, or have some company with you. and I would agree to reporting the harassment, won't cost you a penny, and will give you breathing space. he is behaving like a child and I am surprised eldest dc hasn't seen this.

Fishface77 · 08/02/2018 12:26

Stop being foolish and report the harassment. It will only get worse and you are putting yourself and your kids at risk.

WhooooAmI24601 · 08/02/2018 12:28

He begs me to take him back and won’t accept my responses. I have not reported the harassment as I do not want him to go to jail.

It's not your job to keep him out of jail. It's his job to make the right choices so that he doesn't go to jail. The fact is, he isn't your responsibility and by allowing him to continue his disgusting behaviour in front of your DC, he thinks he's still in control and able to do whatever he likes without any kind of consequence. The natural consequence of breaking his court order is that he needs to go to jail. He is screwing up you, he is screwing up your DC and he has no incentive to change until you stand up to him.

It must be awful knowing that you'll be the one putting in the call. But it's not your fault. You have to protect yourself and your DC because he absolutely isn't protecting anyone.

Original poster
Soopermum1 · 08/02/2018 12:30

If I report the harassment, he immediately goes to prison. I don't want to do that. I have no means of handover any other way, no relatives nearby. I have had breathing space for nearly 18 months, which I thought would be enough :-(

Ideally, I would like the restraining order to be extended without the step of an immediate prison sentence. Given the wording of the restraining order, this would be what would happen the minute I reported it, until the term is finished in April.

OP posts:
OuchBollocks · 08/02/2018 12:32

Why do you think he'll go to prison? Its really really difficult to get a custodial sentence.

saladdays66 · 08/02/2018 12:34

But you have to report him.

He's not going to miraculously get better, is he? Why should you live like this? And it's nt good for your dc either.

Remember, you have not caused this - he has.

Original poster
Soopermum1 · 08/02/2018 12:35

The restraining order includes a suspended sentence. The circumstances are so serious as he immediately breached the first restraining order. He has a conviction for common assault and breaking the first restraining order.

OP posts:
OuchBollocks · 08/02/2018 12:36

If its about him trying to move back into the home, you can apply for an Occupation Order to prevent him moving back in.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/getting-an-injunction/

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 08/02/2018 12:38

He’s not going to stop unless you make him. And for that you have to see the restraining order terms through and report. If you don’t help yourself, the courts can’t help you.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 08/02/2018 12:40

Reporting the harassment is really your only choice. An extension of the restraining order is meaningless if you voluntarily pull all its teeth. He's already violating the restraining order all the time with zero consequences - why on earth do you think that extending it will do anything?

The only value whatsoever in a restraining order is that it imposes police and justice-system consequences for violating it - hence the oft-repeated black observation in domestic violence that many women have been found murdered by their (ex)husbands with a valid restraining order in their pockets.

He is a danger to you. You need to start reporting the harassment, and he needs to go to prison if that is the laid-out consequence.

windchimesabotage · 08/02/2018 12:41

you have to report him. I know you feel sorry for him but the best way to help him is actually to make sure he faces consequences for his actions. He wont ever get the wake up call he needs if you keep covering for him. Think of the effect on your DC if they continuously see you allowing someone to disrespect you like this. It must be so hard for you but you really do need to report all of his behaviour. If you do Im sure the restraining order will at the very least be extended. Im not sure why he is allowed unsupervised contact when he is using it to abuse you either? That will have a very bad impact on the children.
I hope you find the strength to report him Flowers

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/02/2018 12:44

I think you need to re-think handovers. Are you happy with him having unsupervised contact? I think maybe a contact center might be the way forward.

You really do need to report him though, he is harassing you. When this restraining order runs out speak to the police and tell them he is still contacting you and you would like another restraining order. Thing is though it doesn't seem to be deterring him does it? That is why you need to report report and report every time he re-offends. Be firm. I know dealing with the police is stressful and worrying but it is the only way to show him you will not tolerate him impacting on your life so negatively.

If you don't want to go through a contact center you may need to think about someone else doing the handovers at a neutral place, not your home.

I'm sorry you're going through this, my abusive ex stalked me when he got out of prison (he was convicted of assault by battery and ABH) even after a restraining order and the only way I got it to stop was to keep on reporting it. Please go to the police x

category12 · 08/02/2018 12:46

You have to report him, otherwise this will just go on and on.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 08/02/2018 12:54

Here's the other thing, OP. You state that you want him to accept your relationship is over, but that he currently doesn't accept that. The thing is, when he does truly accept that, he's not going to go "oh well, sooper has moved on, guess I'd better do that too and leave her alone". He will be utterly enraged. He will have nothing to lose. You will be at tremendous risk.

You really really really have to report the harassment, because when he does get the message that you are truly over, it's going to be a very dangerous time for you.

MrsBertBibby · 08/02/2018 13:18

If you aren't prepared to see the consequences of a breach through you shouldn't get any orders at all.

No one can help you if you aren't prepared to help yourself.

Bekabeech · 08/02/2018 13:35

Another vote to report the harassment!

If you do not it looks like he is being good. Then he can get more contact with the children, even over nights with the 4 year old.

The 14 year old is old enough to meet him independently, and could escort the 4 year old to the end of the road for contact.

Have you done the Freedom Course? You need to become less passive and take action. Why haven't you divorced him yet?

dizzy174 · 08/02/2018 13:48

then don't report him and this situation will continue with no change. your choice!!!

Motherwell91 · 08/02/2018 13:51

This was literally me a year ago ex broke into my home and threatened me physically and left into the night with young daughter. Was absolutely horrific. We had a 2 year restraining order and he broke it so many times.but like you refused to go to the police and now I am under his control all over again he moved one road away from me and harasses me regularly. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't be like me report it he won't go to prison I was told this and then later told it would of only resulted in a longer restriani g order with more checks in place. Think of your children. I now hardly sleep waiting for another night like before to happen. Bugs hugs op xx

Offred · 08/02/2018 14:03

What exactly is the point in having a restraining order that a. He doesn’t comply with and b. You won’t make use of?!

Why on earth are you continuing to subject yourself to this?!

Do you not realise that you are playing Russian roulette with yours and your children’s lives?!

Why on earth wouldn’t you want him to go to jail?

Offred · 08/02/2018 14:06

Make a choice; are you going to protect him from the consequences of his choices or are you going to protect you and DC from harm he chooses to do to you?

just5morepeas · 08/02/2018 14:24

You need to report the harassment, you maybe think it's better for your kids if he doesn't go to jail, but they're not benefiting from contact with a parent like that.

I'd contact women's aid for better advice than you can probably get here.

Snowydaysarehere · 08/02/2018 14:28

Report him or take him back. Stop wasting resources that could be used to protect someone who is prepared to help themselves.

MrsBertBibby · 08/02/2018 16:13

You won't get better advice than from me, I have 20 years experience doing DV work as a family solicitor.

If you were in my office now I would tell you I am not getting injunction orders for a client who won't use them because it is a waste of everyone's time.

Report him. No other option except more of the same.