Restraining order nearly finished. How do I keep him out of the house?

[Soopermum1]

Marriage deteriorated September 2016. Husband suffered mental health issues and assaulted me, threatened me with a knife and carved the word 'bitch' into the wall. He was arrested, restraining order placed, which he immediately breached and he pled guilty to all charges. Upshot is a restraining order until April 2018.

I continued to live in the family home (owned with mortgage) and paid for everything myself. Ex currently lives in a shared house some distance away. He has had sporadic contact with the kids but is currently seeing them for a few hours each week, unsupervised. We have 2 children, aged 14 and 4. The eldest stayed overnight with his dad for 2 nights, once, when I was desperate. Other than that, no overnight stays.

Ex has been receiving counselling and therapy, which he believes has helped him see things clearly. He was on heavy medication before the split, but I’m not sure if he’s on medication now. I don't believe the counselling has worked. he has recognised his past behaviour was appauling but, 18 months on, will still not accept it is over and thinks there is a chance that I will take him back.

I have categorically never given him false hope. I filed for divorce (he refused to acknowledge receipt of the divorce papers) and have moved on with my life, including meeting a new man.

Under the terms of the restraining order, he is forbidden from harassing me. If he is found to be harassing me, he will be jailed immediately for a few months. However, he has been harassing me since. He sends multiple emails and texts daily, when he picks up and drops off the kids he finds a reason to get into the house (needs to use toilet etc) and then either harasses me there, or on the doorstep if I refuse to let him in. All of this is done in front of the children and it is very distressing. He begs me to take him back and won’t accept my responses. I have not reported the harassment as I do not want him to go to jail.

The restraining order is now nearly up (April) and ex is preparing to move back. He is looking for employment nearby and believes he can come home. I have spelled it out very clearly in writing and verbally that this is not the case. I have kept all emails and they will prove the situation.

Eldest has been deeply affected by the split and is under the care of CAMHS. He seems to have forgotten his Dad’s abuse and believes him when he says he has changed and everything will be fine if he comes home. He hates me for refusing to allow his Dad to come home, and seeing a new man. I have always tried to be kind to his Dad wherever possible.

Ex has somewhere to live and enough savings to rent a flat of his own (though he chooses to remain where he is in the hope that I will relent.)

So, what is the best and cheapest method of ensuring he stays out of the house, for all of the reasons above? I will progress the divorce as soon as I have saved the £1500 fee up front that the lawyer is wanting.

If I report the harassment, he immediately goes to prison. I don't want to do that

Sorry, but unless you report him, you are in danger. Your children are in danger.

I don't see that you have a choice. You've tried reasoning with him, it hasn't worked. He will try to get back into the house. You need to put yourself and your children first. Get tough. This is SERIOUS. The threat of prison is there for a reason. It's not your fault. Do it and do it now.

I think you need to start considering something very real here. He may KILL YOU if you do not take action now. He’s volatile and dangerous, he’s taken violent action against you previously. How do you think he will act if the restraining order is no longer in place and you keep refusing him? Can you assure he won’t assault you?

Honestly, you need to report him. If he goes to jail it is only HIS fault - not yours.

The restraining order won’t be extended unless you report his behaviour, as it will look like he’s been abiding to it.

Do something now - you are putting yourself in danger and by proxy your children too.

Of course he thinks he can move in. You have shown him that you will do nothing to stop him. He probably thinks you are also waiting for the RO to expire.

Why do you imagine that you haven't given him false hope?

I can see how you got here OP, women are conditioned to be conciliatory and to put others before ourselves and then an abusive relationship has resulted in more conditioning, to protect him above yourself and DC. The only person who can stop this cycle is you, you could try issuing a final warning, that he stops or you will report it and he will go to prison but, honestly, you will be wasting your time.

He won't accept it's over until he's forced to and I suspect the police/prison is the only thing that will hit home with him. He won't listen to you because he doesn't respect your right to choose whether you want to be with him or not, he thinks if he pressures and browbeats you enough you will 'give in'. And what does that say about him? That he would want to be in a relationship with someone he had to bully into being with him?!!

If it helps to see it this way you will be doing the best thing for him in the long run too, he can't/won't move on with his life until he lets go of this obsession with getting back with you. And neither can you so, unless you want to still be here, with the same situation playing out over and over again, in a year or 5 years or 10 then you have to use the powers afforded by your restraining order, while you still can.

You must report him. I know you say you don’t want him to go to prison but it must be reported then the courts will look at extending it. I urge you to protect yourself and your kids and report it.

I have a restraining order against my ex which he has broken 13 times and he’s currently on remand for the latest breach awaiting trial at Crown Court.

My ex has had various sentences from suspended to curfew to custodial but nothing stops him and the latest breach came just 10 days after I’d stood up in court and gave evidence against him for stalking me but unfortunately he’s very clever about it and he got found not guilty as the evidence just wasn’t strong enough to convict beyond reasonable doubt.

By getting away with it your ex knows he can breach the order and nothing will come of it. If you really don’t want him to go to prison you could always say in your Victim Impact Statement that you do not feel a custodial sentence would be helpful you just want him to recognise that he has to leave you alone.

Hope you can get it sorted. I’m hoping my restraining order will be made indefinite after the current case is in court as I know I’m never going to be free from him as he just won’t stop.

You are putting yourself and your dc in extreme danger. In the nicest possible way, you need to realize the severity of this situation and start acting responsibly. There is no best and cheapest method it is naive to think that. Sorry to be harsh op but it really is serious. I cannot imagine how stressful it must be for you.