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Original poster

Which is worse - crappy father or absent father??

28 replies

Twillow · 08/02/2018 11:09

Adult DD in tears AGAIN yesterday as her father has upset her. We are divorced and mainly nc re his abuse.
He regularly says things to her like "fuck off out of my house" if he's in a mood.
He has a good income and she's at Uni but he expects her to pay her own way for everything.
He spends a fortune on takeaways but is always moaning to her that I have taken his money.

He is causing her a lot of stress but she continues to see him. I know she loves him but his behaviour brings up so many red flags for me when we lived together.
I suppose I'm saying would she be better off cutting him out of her life or not?

OP posts:
DanielCraigsUnderpants · 08/02/2018 11:14

He sounds like a massive arsehole, but she's an adult now and she has to make these choices for herself.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/02/2018 11:19

If she's at Uni then she is at least 18 and you have got this far. Now it's her decision.
This might not be a popular view but I'd encourage her to still have some semblance of a relationship with if for nothing she'll inherit a pound to two from him when he pops his clogs.
It's not your choice to make but you can of course guide her through the decision making process.

Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 11:29

I would rather absent tbh. My ex thought it was ok to see the kids every few months. It was causing my kids alot of upset so I cut contact.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/02/2018 11:33

I would recommend that she cuts contact. If it was my child being spoken to like that I’d also be banging down his door!

Some people are truly horrors!

I’m assuming your still get maintenance since your dd is at uni?

purplelass · 08/02/2018 11:36

It has to be her choice, all you can do is support and encourage

MargoLovebutter · 08/02/2018 11:36

Twillow, is it worth having a chat with her about why she feels the need to see him and why she gets so upset, when he predictably behaves like an arse?

My ex-H is an arse, and my DC never go and visit of their own volition. If he comes to them and takes them out somewhere, they'll meet him but they tend not to put themselves in the situation where he can behave like a tosser.

Original poster
Twillow · 08/02/2018 11:39

Went for clean break in divorce so no spousal maintenance. He's put out enough that he has to pay child maintenance for the youngest. Despite him keeping the house and all the furniture etc.

I'm interested in all perspectives - from those of child as well as parent. As she's adult I can't tell her not to see him, also she worries about the youngest when visiting him too. It's a nightmare.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 08/02/2018 11:39

Crappy father is definitely worse. She is an adult though and can make her own choices and your job is to instill in her the confidence to decide what's best for her.

My dad was pretty shit growing up. My parents divorced when I was 8 and though he was around, he wasn't very supportive, didn't pay a penny in maintenance in 10 years (though court ordered), generally manipulative and emotionally abusive, even though he did mean well (just his childhood and life was pretty messed up too). He died when I was 18. I also have no relationship with anyone in my dad's family (my own choice). For me, it was much more painful when he was present but being cruel and hurtful to us. When he died, honestly, it provided a degree of relief. Though obviously it's sad when anyone dies, I don't mourn the loss of the relationship or my children's relationship with him (they were born well after he died). It certainly would have been much more beneficial for me had he not even been in my life all those years, rather than having been around, but emotionally abusive, manipulative and unsupportive.

Your dd though can decide that for herself though.

GoneBGI · 08/02/2018 11:46

You can't know what's best for your DD, though it's natural to want to protect her.

I think it's very important that children of divorced parents find their own way regarding contact as they get older (abusive situations excluded obv).

I think in your shoes I would help her try and access some support to help her with her conflicting emotions of love ("he's my dad") and hate ("he's such a bastard and hasn't supported me at all"). I think it's very hard for you to do that.

I have an 18yo son. He has a reasonable relationship with his Dad, but barely sees him and knows he cannot rely on him for much financial support or support in the day to day things like getting him to uni.

I have an 8yo as well who is starting to work out the same.

Sugarplumps · 08/02/2018 12:04

My dad left when I was about 2 (I am the youngest of five kids) and I saw him infrequently afterwards. My mom made a point of never talking badly about him to me, whilst supporting me when he let me down, and I eventually reached my own conclusions about his behaviour and cut him out of my life when I was 18. I always appreciated the fact that she let me come to my own senses about him and make an adult decision about my contact with him.

Original poster
Twillow · 08/02/2018 12:06

mindutopia this is similar, he can be helpful and supportive but is so mixed up that you never know what you're going to get or when he's going to flip out over the smallest thing.
He likes to blame me for leaving being the cause of the problems and does't see the irony in that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Twillow · 08/02/2018 12:11

Thanks Sugarplumps - you're right I have definitely seen how upsetting it is for them to hear either of us badmouth the other. I try really hard not to say anything now but I worry that that might be seen as not defending them.
I can't say anything to him about his behaviour without worrying that the children will get blamed for telling me.
I'm lucky - I'm out of that crap now but they are stuck with a crappy father. His family are nice though so good in one way but it would make it hard for them to cut contact.

OP posts:
Getoutofthatgarden · 08/02/2018 16:39

A crappy father is worse in my opinion. My DDs father is gone and life has returned to normal for her, no more tears or waiting to find out if she's going to see him or not. I hope he stays away for ever for her sake.

OakIsBetterTho · 08/02/2018 16:42

My physically and emotionally abusive father told me to fuck off out of his house (albeit not the first time) when I was 14. That was the last time I spoke to him, nearly 10 years ago. A crappy father is worse as they continue to hurt you, an absent one is what it is, and can't directly affect you Day to day.

Viviennemary · 08/02/2018 16:47

A lot of adults in your DD's position just decide themselves that one of their parents is a complete waste of time and not worth keeping in contact with. But even if you're right that cutting contact is the best thing she still needs to decide for herself.

PeppermintPasty · 08/02/2018 17:01

My ex is absent. He was crappy when around and did such stupid things that I drew a line. He didn't like it, tried to get me to cave, didn't think I would stand my ground. I did. He hasn't seen his dc for 3.5 years, never bothered with court, used to go around bleating that he was the victim, but I'm not sure what he says now, if anything.

I am absolutely 100% convinced that if he had been in their lives these past few years it would have been hell for them. He would've let them down left, right and centre.

As it is, they have one parent, but I am a normal parent with normal reactions to them (i.e. I love them to bits and they are amazing, put them first etc etc), and we get along great as a team of three.

In my experience, as the stable parent, absent is way way better than crappy. All my friends who have to endure their horrible exes, and there seem to be a lot of them, wish they had a situation like mine where he buggered off in a hissy fit and didn't come back to his dc. They all see the harm that the crappy parent is doing to their dc.

Aroundtheworldandback · 08/02/2018 17:59

I am in your situation op with a daughter at uni with a nasty arsehole for a dad. I have remarried and we don’t need his money but that doesn’t stop dd knowing he wouldn’t support her even though he could easily have afforded to. It’s all about him, he only wants to see her to cry on her shoulder about his miserable life.

Yes of course they would be better without these “dads”. But I also feel at their age it’s their decision, and the best thing we can do is keep our dd’s talking and being open about their feelings, so a sounding board.

I don’t really think there’s a ‘best scenario’- either situation is crap.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2018 18:13

This is very sad indeed. I'd say no father is better than a crap one.

ChevalierTialys · 08/02/2018 18:37

Hard to say. A crappy father will alienate the child on their own, an absent one has the potential to become the subject of unrealistic expectations.

Pleasebeafleabite · 08/02/2018 21:12

Having had crappy alcoholic father I would say she has to work through it and come out the other side seeing him for who he is

Isetan · 09/02/2018 12:30

I would spend time and good money supporting her into accepting him for who he is, not who she wants him to be. The last thing you want, is her getting into a relationship with a similar dynamic.

The price of having a relationship with this man is the constant assault on her MH, there isn’t a parallel universe where he’s different and she can not change him. The balls in her court, not his.

donners312 · 09/02/2018 15:17

My Ex is both happy and absent.

Th DC are largely happy and plod along nicely but whenever they do see him (approx 2x a year) they are always very unsettled and unhappy afterwards. He last saw them in August and there were quite serious repercussions after that time so i just wish he would leave them alone.

Neither scenario is good.

pointythings · 09/02/2018 20:26

I think it depends on what kind of crappy. I'm divorcing my H due to alcohol and associated behaviour. He had been both crappy (drinking, not being a dad, taking no interest in anything, not pulling his weight despite both of us working) and absent (taking no interest in DDs except when they got on his nerved and he wanted to criticise).

He is now absent, as in no longer living with us. Very low contact with me, none with DDs - their choice, they are 15 and 17. And absent is definitely better right now. Maybe if he sorts out his alcohol and other issues he can be neither crappy nor absent, but right now we are all just glad he is absent.

hattyhighlighter · 09/02/2018 20:56

Both are bad. With an absent one they can still be present in their absence, every time you think about not having a dad, and the child can feel rejected. A crappy one is just there being, well, crap. So neither good unfortunately imo. In some ways I think its better for the child to work it out for themselves/see if theres any relationship to salvage.

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 09/02/2018 20:58

Cut contact. A clean break isn’t much easier to deal with than the slow drip of unhappiness from regular crapness.

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