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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this wrong

45 replies

Soconfused18 · 08/02/2018 10:10

Seperated with H last week after finding out about two counts of cheating bastard hasn't even tried to grovel

Anyway I have got chatting online to a guy lives local to me he seems really nice. We have been talking about meeting up is this too soon? H and I are def over I'm hurting a lot and just need a Release

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 08/02/2018 10:12

There’s no rights or wrongs. This soon is far from ideal but may well help you forget about your recent troubles briefly!

Josuk · 08/02/2018 10:14

OP - you are in a bad place - so - anything that would help you get through this - do it!!!!!

Sorry about your husband.

Snowydaysarehere · 08/02/2018 10:14

Have you filed for divorce yet? Makes things clearer if you have before he starts throwing shit to people that it was you who cheated.

Mulch · 08/02/2018 10:15

Permanent decision on temporary emotions?

Original poster
Soconfused18 · 08/02/2018 10:17

We can't file here until seperated for two years

It is permanent he's out with her tonight 😡

OP posts:
Ohforfoxsakereturns · 08/02/2018 10:18

I met DP before XH had moved out, but we’d been separated 4 months - and I’d emotionally checked out of the marriage years before.

I was only looking on the internet out of curiosity, I had no intention of doing anything but a bit of online chat.

There are a lot of dicks and they may put you off completely.

In my case DP is the most loveliest person I have known and fate fell in my favour.

Jobjobjob · 08/02/2018 10:20

Couldn't care less about him! As long as you feel really ready for it, that's fine!

Just don't want you to get hurt!

Original poster
Soconfused18 · 08/02/2018 10:23

He's not the man I'll end up with by no means but I'm finding it very easy to chat with him and he makes me smile

OP posts:
Ohforfoxsakereturns · 08/02/2018 10:24

I’d be wary about taking your hurt with you on a date. Do you have someone to talk through the hurt? I found counselling helpful. I could box it off and separate it out. If the man is lovely, and it transpires you could have something with him, be a little cautious, it may not be a good idea to use this as a release.

Alternatively you could go out, get pissed and shag him into next week. That can also be wonderful!

Just be kind and look after yourself yes?

mindutopia · 08/02/2018 10:30

It's not 'wrong' but likely you would benefit from having some time to sort yourself out first and take care of yourself before jumping into something with someone else, even if it's casual.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 08/02/2018 10:39

I think you're very vulnerable at the moment and it's probably best not to meet up with a another man this soon. If you're after more than a bit of fun you could be hurt even more by him.

You could keep talking to him online for now. There's no rush.

Original poster
Soconfused18 · 08/02/2018 11:09

I know with my H it's completely over yea there is love still here in my heart but he has done something I never ever thought he would and has broke my trust for good.

Tmi when I first asked him about cheating he argued with me and turned it all on me. To 'make it' up to him I did something sexually with him I never ever wanted to ever do and he knew this and still in a moment of despair let me do this... and he knew what he had done.

I can't wait to stop loving him but I can't believe a nice guy is talking to me

OP posts:
DotCottonDotcom · 08/02/2018 11:13

To be honest...
I would normally say bash on. But you only separated last week and I can tell you having been in your shoes I felt the same. Over a year later heck I’m so glad I didn’t go out and date so soon. I was not in a good place to do so and I know I would have dug myself a deeper hole and hurt myself further.

You need time to heal here

ALittleBitConfused1 · 08/02/2018 11:24

Sorry for what you are going through. I can imagine it hurts like hell.
I don't think you should, your head will be all over the place and it's very easy to find yourself in a rebound situation at this point.
Quite often meaningless encounters can make you feel worse.
I'm sorry to be the boring one who says don't so it. So I'll just say be cautious and mindful about someone else's feelings.
Make sure this guy knows the score, it's not his fault your h is a cheating bastard and I dont think its fair for him to get hurt in the process.
I hope you feel better soon and I know it may not feel like it but you will get through this.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/02/2018 11:26

What did he make you do? Anal sex?

I think you should crack on. Don't use the new man as a pawn or to make a show of things. Just get on with it.

I wish you well. It bloody hurts but you will recover. Remember to take precautions and not use new man as a pawn.

Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 11:27

To soon for me but if it makes you feel better then it's fine. I certainly
Wouldn't judge.

TheNaze73 · 08/02/2018 11:34

As long as no one gets hurt, some people say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Won’t work for all

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 08/02/2018 11:34

To be blunt, the reason your on line guy wants to meet up is for sex.

Taking into account your most recent update- being coerced into a sexual act you didn't want to do and your confusion and hurt over this, I don't think it's a great idea. You poor thing; your husband's treated you appallingly. You need time to heal from that. Can you talk to anyone about this in real life? A friend or family member?

If you do decide to meet up with your OLD then the usual advice applies- tell someone where you're going, who you're meeting, take a phone and arrange to meet in a public place.

Original poster
Soconfused18 · 08/02/2018 11:56

I won't be having sex with him right away

I'm
Enjoying the chatting and the compliments

OP posts:
Ohforfoxsakereturns · 08/02/2018 12:01

I don’t know you, but I think you need some time. Agree, keep chatting. The compliments, might make you feel a bit better.

Your XH - there are no words. He should never have done that. That is about HIM - not you. Whatever he made you did was to make himself feel good - perhaps a power game? Dispicable.

You focus on you. Find a counsellor (I know i’m always banging on about that, but it helped me massively and even though I only saw her for a short time, I am still benefitting from it). Be kind to yourself. I can’t say that enough.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/02/2018 12:27

To be honest I think its too soon, you're still hurting and not in the right frame of mind.

Give it a couple of months before you date.

Just be kind to yourself x

Original poster
Soconfused18 · 08/02/2018 13:03

I am seeing a counsellor next appt tomo can't wait. Just trying to forget 15 years of memories and they were mostly good memories it's so painful

OP posts:
Snowydaysarehere · 08/02/2018 13:34

Why must you wait if he is in another relationship?

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 08/02/2018 13:36

You are moving forward OP.

Some days it’s just about putting one foot in front of the other. But you are still moving forward.

Do whatever it is you want to do. It’s fine.

Mellifera · 08/02/2018 15:02

I‘d definitely not date so soon.
My honest opinion?
You need time to process your anger, nurture your strength and be kind to yourself.
You won‘t need another man‘s compliments then to make you feel better.
OLD is full of risks of getting hurt, you don‘t really need that right now.