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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this wrong

45 replies

Soconfused18 · 08/02/2018 10:10

Seperated with H last week after finding out about two counts of cheating bastard hasn't even tried to grovel

Anyway I have got chatting online to a guy lives local to me he seems really nice. We have been talking about meeting up is this too soon? H and I are def over I'm hurting a lot and just need a Release

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 08/02/2018 15:04

From experience - YES - sorry!
It's way too soon.
You have a lot of emotions to go through and have a lot of grieving to do.
You have a lot of resentment to get rid of, as well as hate etc....
This is a rebound.
So enjoy it but don't expect anything from it.
I didn't believe in rebound relationships until I was in one.

fantasmasgoria1 · 08/02/2018 15:42

Go for it and have a bit of fun! You are not saying you are looking for a relationship just fun and there is nothing wrong with that!

pudding21 · 08/02/2018 15:43

OP: I left my ex after 21 years, I had a whole heap of shit to work through after him being more and more emotionally abusive. Within 6 weeks I hooked up with someone, happened once, left me feeling very empty.

Then after about 10 week I headed head first into a FWB which lasted 6 months or more. Quite intense.

It helped me in one way as was a good distraction to all the shit ex was throwing at me (he never found out, I was very discreet) and the skin on skin physical contact was very beneficial. But it did delay my healing a bit.

Like previous posters said, if you go for it, then do it lightly, try not too get too invested. I had in in my head and still do I don't want another relationship and somehow even though I enjoyed every single second with my FWB I didn't fall (although a couple of times I felt like I was).

protect your fragile heart.

AFistfulOfDolores · 08/02/2018 16:46

Way too soon, OP. You need to go through all those awful emotions that we'll do anything to avoid - including seeking out a lovely distration-of-a-liaison (that'll probably end up doing the same thing anyway).

ShatnersWig · 08/02/2018 17:03

Does this bloke know your exact circumstances??

If I were him, I'd either a) run a mile because it's unlikely to be wise, especially if he actually is looking for a relationship; or b) think you'll be vulnerable and ripe pickings for a quick legover before ghosting you

category12 · 08/02/2018 18:22

You could divorce him for adultery right now, no need to wait 2 years.

I dunno whether shagging someone else will help, but it's up to you.

hadthesnip · 08/02/2018 18:36

Echo @ShatnersWig. Speaking as a man I would be careful as he may see that you are venerable & use that to have sex. If you say that you aren't interested it that side of things then he may not stay around for long. Yes, the flattery & showing interest in you feels good (I know, I've been there) but I think you need to deal with your emotions first before looking to start dating.

mumsypig14 · 08/02/2018 18:45

Go for it. I did.

Post-ExH leaving me I found loneliness and now having someone to chat/text the worst part! Especially in the evenings.

I wouldnt mention time scale of break up to the date though. It will probably scare him!

Also WTF to the poster who said he just wants to have sex with you OP. I know tonnes of people (me included!) Who met their long term partners online and definitely didnt just want sex!!

Also don't feel you have to be 'loyal' to this one, talk to a few guys at once!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 08/02/2018 19:45

I think it would be naive to think that a lot of men on online dating sites aren't just looking for sex though, however nice and flattering they are. I think it's wise to have your guard up, especially when it's been just a week since OP's relationship imploded and she started talking to this man?

Original poster

Soconfused18 · 08/02/2018 23:46

Thanks for all the comments.

Had a run in with exh tonight why do I still fancy him when I see him and he looks at me like I'm shit. I stayed with him when he was 18st loved him told him how handsome he was then boom I have a baby he looses weight and bulks up and I'm out! Wth!!!!

This new guy is so not my type and as today's went on he's a bit too full on so that ship has now sailed. Any advice on how to stop loving a prick

OP posts:

Original poster

Soconfused18 · 09/02/2018 11:18

Ugh lost it with ex numerous ranting texts

OP posts:

Godsplan · 09/02/2018 11:25

I was going to say don’t bother as if you are anything like me it will get complicated anyway even when you are just looking for a bit of fun.

No advice on not loving your ex though as I was over the moon when mine left.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/02/2018 12:00

You won't stop loving him in a week.
You'll still have those feelings for a while yet.
You sound a bit more angry which is good.
You need to go through the whole angry stage.
Look after yourself.
Get yourself back.
Keep busy. Meet up with family and friends.
Try not to get embroiled in texting with the Ex.
Try to keep communications factual and about access etc... and nothing else.
It will be hard because this is still so very raw for you.
If you feel like texting him come on here and rant away.

Original poster

Soconfused18 · 09/02/2018 13:51

This pain is in describable...he cheated on me yet hasn't apologised after so long how can they be so cruel
I know if he came and asked me back I'd take him back right now and I hate myself for that.

I have counselling tonight does it help??

OP posts:

letsdolunch321 · 09/02/2018 14:00

Councilling help me as my exh put me down in so many ways.

Have banter with the online guys, a year after the exh left I found this quite entertaining.

Your ex will make you fill like shit, it is expected unfortunately.

Can you not put a divorce in place now as he is having an affair ?!?!!

Original poster

Soconfused18 · 09/02/2018 14:01

I have no proof of a sexual affair 👎👎

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 09/02/2018 14:34

Well it's not a court of law and you don't need proof!
I know you want proof.
We all do.
Keep digging and you'll find it.
We all do eventually.
And yes, the real physical pain of heartbreak is so hard to describe.
For me it was like someone had reached inside my chest and ripped out my very fragile heart.
Then thrown it on the floor where it shattered into a thousand pieces and then for good measure, trounced all over the broken bits.
It takes a long time to put those pieces back together but you will get there.
So many of us know how it feels and totally understand what you are going through.
Look after yourself!

Thebluedog · 09/02/2018 14:36

It probably is too soon but do what makes you happy at the moment. Be honest with the guy so he goes into it with his eyes open too.

category12 · 09/02/2018 15:26

You don't need proof as such. You don't need to name her. You just need to give approximate dates. So you know he was out with her the other night, for example.

Proof would only be an issue if he was determined to defend the divorce, which is unlikely. The reason for divorce makes no difference to any settlements in the UK, so he'd have no reason to defend it.

You merely need to start the process. You could do it for unreasonable behaviour as well. There is no reason at all to wait.

category12 · 09/02/2018 15:28

In fact it's better if you don't name a co-respondent, makes it quicker and easier and the courts prefer it.

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