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Relationships

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Original poster

When did you have ‘the talk’

31 replies

CheetosAreForCheaters · 08/02/2018 07:16

Met someone through OLD in early December. I only had an account for 3 days then decided it wasn’t for me (too many dick pics and just dicks in general) but in them 3 days got chatting to this man.

Went on a date mid-December which I enjoyed. Since then we’ve been out about 9-10 times. We were both away in January for work (different times) so only saw each other twice in january but we spoke every day. I really like him, we get on really well, he’s funny, kind, generous and good in bed. I can feel myself falling for him but I’ve been burned before where I have felt it was going really well then they have turned around and said they’re not looking for anything serious/ aren’t ready for a relationship.

I’m seeing him again tonight. Is it too early to bring up the ‘where are we going’ talk. It’s been 2 months since we met and I do want to move it forward. We see each other once/twice a week (he works shifts and I have a ds) and we have the best time. I’m rubbish at this kind of stuff and with my ex I pushed for more which scared him off and I really don’t want to do that this time.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Armygirl · 08/02/2018 07:26

Did he say on his profile what he was looking for? It seems like it’s going well so if he had said on his profile he was looking for a relationship I probably wouldn’t ask at this stage where it was going. Just relax and enjoy it

Yogagirl123 · 08/02/2018 07:36

Pleased you have met someone nice, I would say it’s far too early in a relationship to talk about where it’s going, it’s early days and it might have him running for the hills! Just enjoy having fun and see how it develops. I hope it works out well for you.

franktheskank · 08/02/2018 07:39

I would bring it up, if it's going anywhere then He won't be put off by you bring it up after nearly two months.

Me and dp met end of June and before end of July we told each other we loved each other and were official. We hadn't even slept together yet! If it's right it'll happen and you won't have to wait around.

Original poster

CheetosAreForCheaters · 08/02/2018 08:09

@Armygirl I’m not 100% sure but I’m sure it said looking to have fun but I might be getting him mixed up. We go out on dates and on Friday there was somewhere specific I wanted to go which was a hours drive away and he took me there whereas if he was just in it for sex I’m not sure he’d make that effort?

@Yogagirl123 that’s what I’m worried about!! That I’m going to scare him off but like I said in my op I am developing feelings for him and if he has no intention of getting into a relationship then I’d rather know now. But at the same time I don’t want to scare him...

@franktheskank see that’s what it was like for me and ds’s dad (a loooong time ago). We completely fell for each other, although now since leaving I realise this was not a good thing, so that’s kind of like my frame of reference

My past 4 relationships/flings have been
-ds’s dad (we were together for 10 years, broke up 3 years ago)

a fling with someone from work, that was for fun and ended well.
a 5 month thing with a man who completely strung me along and then told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship.
a fling with a younger man which was fun but I obviously knew that wasn’t going anywhere.

So really my last 2 frames of reference are completely different and I was so hurt when the 5 month man called it off so that’s what’s I’m worried about happening now!

OP posts:

Original poster

CheetosAreForCheaters · 08/02/2018 08:10

Oh and also I do have a ds who he has met completely by accident (we bumped into each other in Tesco when I was shopping with ds) but that was a 2 minute conversation and i have 0 intention of them meeting for a long time yet. So I’m not rushing that side of things at all

OP posts:

fantasmasgoria1 · 08/02/2018 08:17

If you are unsure then don’t have the talk. By two months my fiancé and I were living together but every relationship is very different. Perhaps wait another couple of months then see where things are!

Original poster

CheetosAreForCheaters · 08/02/2018 08:20

Yeah Fanta you’re right. It’s just hard though isn’t it? Because all signs point to him being ‘into me’ and I like him. But with 5 month man I asked him about 2 months in and he said I was trying to rush things which I wasnt! I didn’t ask him to marry me, I literally asked if he could see us getting into a relationship which considering we were seeing each other every week, going out, sleeping together, I met his best friend etc I didn’t see as that much of a big step but obviously he did!

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 08/02/2018 08:22

I don’t think it’s too early if you are wanting to talk about it and know where you stand. If that scares him off then he isn’t right for you. You’re not young people with no strings so you’re perfectly entitled to ask if this is going to be a relationship you can invest in.
If he answers yes- great. If he answers no it’s just for fun- what will your response be? Think it all through so you know what it is you want from asking. Good luck.

RemainOptimistic · 08/02/2018 08:35

Pull back a bit and see how he responds. Start by not talking/messaging every day. Leave a day with no messages and the next day if he questions you just say you were busy. Don't go into details. Let him know he's not the most important thing on your life.

Having "the talk" is only a good thing if it comes from him. If he wants to be the most important thing in your life he has to earn that privilege.

cakecakecheese · 08/02/2018 08:37

I think it's fairly reasonable to want to check you're on the same page before you get in too deep, but keep it light. My boyfriend asked if he could call me his girlfriend, after two weeks, when we were both quite drunk

CollyWombles · 08/02/2018 08:46

I've been there OP, where I want to know if there is a possibility of a future together, not a promise of one! I'm happily married now but in my relationship experience, a guy that's really into you is not going to be scared off because you want to know you aren't wasting your time. I've always needed some sort of assurance on this and the man I married has always given me that assurance.

The ones that talk about rushing things, make you feel bad for asking, are the ones that are giving you the answer to your question, indirectly.

If it helps any, it was always when I started to develop feelings that I would wonder about the potential of the situation. It goes hand in hand with having been hurt and knowing that once feelings begin, it could all happen again.

Talk to him, if he is worth his salt he will know what you are asking.

GloriousDolores · 08/02/2018 08:49

Don't play games and pull back, you'll just create a pattern that you don't want to get into. It should be straight forward if it's going somewhere and it seems to be - he's making an effort, you're having a great time.

Maybe you don't need to have the big relationship, where is this going talk, but I think it's perfectly reasonable when you've just started sleeping with someone to check if they are dating/sleeping with other people.

If the answer is errrrrm well, yes then there you go. If the answer is no it made lead naturally into a conversation about what you both want

LesisMiserable · 08/02/2018 09:31

Do not, repeat do not do what you did with 5 month man. The right time for the 'talk' is never. Because with the right person its just not necessary on either side it just works and grows and becomes a relationship, the same as every other close relationship we hold as adults. He seems to know that, is enjoying you and going with the natural flow, if you don't and are not enjoying the process of how a relationship forms naturally, with out deadlines and appraisals two months in, you may not be the right person for him. Fight the urge to do what wasnt helpful last time.

Myheartbelongsto · 08/02/2018 09:44

Don't play games and pull back! I'd wait a little longer if I were you as it seems to be going well.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/02/2018 09:53

Hi op,

I think you should wait another month and then have the chat. Have you said you're exclusive with one another?

Josuk · 08/02/2018 10:03

OP - you are way way too deep into a fantasy.
You don’t know this man, not really. You can’t poasibly be developing feelings. Not yet.
You want to be in a relationship so much that you are confusing that with feelings.

This is what I see my single friends doing again and again. The need for romance and relationship is so strong.

And - often this does scare men off - and it’s not necessarily bc they aren’t ready for a relationship.
I’d feel the same - if after a few dates and some sex - a man would start talking to me about developing feelings and talking about future.

I’d take it as a generic ‘neediness’ and not feelings that are actually specific to me. I’d be turned off by that and not give them a chance.

People don’t necessarily split into two neat groups - one looking for just sex; and another looking for a relationship. It’s a spectrum. Sure - some just want sex; but there are plenty that would want a relationship with a right person, but not anyone who comes along and is looking for one...

So - my advice - given that you aren’t 16, where falling in/out love was some instant event - take your time. Get to know each other.
And then - none of these ‘talks’ would need to happen. It’ll be clear.

Original poster

CheetosAreForCheaters · 08/02/2018 10:33

Thanks everyone for the replies. Have come to make a cup of tea at work so will reply quickly.

I don’t want to know whether we are going to get married but I just don’t want to waste my time that’s all. If he is just in it for a bit of fun that is absolutely fine and there will be no hard feelings but I am not looking for a fling or something casual. I want a relationship.

We haven’t talked about being exclusive. I just assumed we were which was probably a big mistake. I wouldn’t date two people st once and neither would anyone I know so didn’t even give it a second thought. If he’s seeing someone else as well then that is it, he is perfectly within his rights to do that but I can’t date someone who’s dating someone else.

Ugh all this dating malarkey makes me think I should have just stayed in my crappy but stable relationship with ds’s dad.

OP posts:

Dowser · 08/02/2018 10:47

I met dh through old. Within 5 weeks we knew we had met ‘the one’.
Interestingly I wanted to meet someone not from my home town as I have said loads of times, I didn’t want to trip over him in tescos ‘ if it didn’t work out.
In fact it worked beautifully for us. Loved my weekends In His town as it got me away from a difficult home life.

Dh and I had a lovely relationship we laughed loads ...I just said something half jokingly like , are you the one then ? And he said I hope so...and we just laughed.

If you want to find out , a sense of humour, don’t take it too serious attitude may help.

Dowser · 08/02/2018 10:50

Neither of us were wanting to get married..we married just over two years ago after 7 years together.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/02/2018 10:53

I seriously wouldn’t ask after this short space of time!!

I would wait at least another month. Until then just carry on enjoying yourself.

Otherwise you might scare him off

LesisMiserable · 08/02/2018 10:56

But you have to understand OP, a man hears 'relationship' and thinks 'long term' and 'commitment' and 'marriage' - regardless of what you think.

Not that he wants marriage but that you must mean a long term thing by using the term relationship and how can you even think of saying you are going to have a long term relationship with someone you've just met? Men are so much more rational than women about this. Why are WE not the ones saying, why would I want to establish that I'm going to be in a long term partnership with this virtual stranger?

How does this work?? This is why your budding 'relationships' will fail time and time again. Because you want to talk long term with a bloke you've known a few weeks. All that does is de-value you to them. Don't you see that? It makes you look not fussy who you end up with.

I know, I know you are going to protest and say you're not saying you want to end up with him. So what does relationship mean then? Six months? Eight years?

Do you see the problem?

There are NO guarantees so why don't you just chill out and make hay like the sun shines, as he is doing, you're creating angst where there isnt any.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 08/02/2018 10:57

I wouldn't have a "talk" at this stage but I would let slip that I'm starting to get feelings and would ask if he's seeing other people.

user1486956786 · 08/02/2018 11:01

I agree with another poster, I don't see a need to ever have the talk, it either just happens or doesn't. Perhaps it's different when online dating. If you must have the talk, then I'd wait. You didn't see each other much in Jan so perhaps wait until you've consistently seen each other again for a few weeks. Surely he says things that gives you hints as to how he's feeling?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/02/2018 11:10

I think just enjoy being with him and don't try to label it. If he is for you he will remain interested and show more and more commitment.

Josuk · 08/02/2018 12:41

OP - what you say is very typical - and this is what many women who came out of marriages and started dating mid-life say.
And - this is a reason why so many then get frustrated with dating (online and off) and then complain about men.

And - the problem isn’t men. Not with this particular issue.

When young people meet and date - before anyone has been through relationships, kids, and possibly - heartache - things are black and white, emotions are quick to flair up, and people are quick and easy to trust themselves and others....

Not the same when people date as ‘grown ups’....

So - ask the questions you are eager to ask. Just realise that no normal person would have an answer about wanting a relationship with you - after only a few dates.

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