Feeling Unappreciated in Marriage

[Coppertable]

Hi all.
I am 31(M) and my wife is 28. We have been together for 7 years and married for 2-and-a-half. We have no children and both have full time jobs. I am an engineer and she is a doctor. I really don’t intend for this post to come across as a massive go at my wife, but I feel that if I don’t vent properly it’s going to eat me up inside.

Before we got married my wife made it clear to me that she was career oriented, so much so that we have discussed never having children. I love my job as well so for the moment everything in that department is going ok.

However, I feel that my wife is prioritising her career above everything else, especially our relationship. For example, before we were married we lived 150 miles apart and saw each other almost every weekend. I had a somewhat senior position at a large firm which I had to give up to move closer to where my wife works when we got engaged (i moved about 150 miles from that old office so commuting wasn’t on the cards, we had had a sort of long distance relationship before getting engaged). She pressured me into taking any job which became available so I worked in a manufacturing facility for almost 1 year. It wasn’t bad work, but it wasn’t something which I loved doing.
Cut to now and I’ve moved job to a company which I like and I’m doing interesting work but my wife complains any time I have to travel and be away from home for work. It’s getting to the point where I’m thinking about having to turn down job opportunities at the office because I don’t want to have the argument with my wife when I get home and all of the guilt that I never spend any time with her.
Last year this manifested itself that she made me feel guilty for going running 3 times per week, she has made it very clear that she thought I was spending far too long exercising (it would be about an hour in total each time). I actually stopped running for a short time last year because of the guilt. I have since stood up for myself (what a crazy notion, standing up to my wife so that I can do exercise so I don’t end up on her operating table getting my heart sorted).

To make things even more hypocritical, she has now started travelling for work as well and doesn’t bat an eyelid when telling me that she’s going to be away for our wedding anniversary (I don’t really mind about that to be honest, the actual dates aren’t that important to us).

I have also got into a routine where I leave the house at about 6:30am so that I can leave work at 4pm to be back home in time to cook for us both. I’m more than happy with the cooking arrangements at home, I’ve cooked ever since I left home and it’s one of the things that I enjoy doing for other people. The problem is that my wife will come home at about 7pm (if surgery goes long), put her bag down, eat food, ask for a cup of tea, then spend the evening on her phone on instagram, Facebook, or similar. I’ve asked her a few times to put her phone down when we’re eating or hanging out but it’s just easier to let it go and for me to sit in sad silence while she goes through a celebrity’s fake holiday photos rather than have a chat with me. I don’t remember the last time someone made me a cup of tea.
You can probably guess that our sex life has gone down the drain. In the last 3 and a half months we have had sex (counting PIV and mutual masterbation) 8 times. Considering this period includes my birthday, 2 mini breaks, and the Christmas/new year holiday I think that number is low.
When I bring this up with her she has often promised that she’ll work on it and that tomorrow will be better. I’ve now gotten used to ignoring her promises of mind-blowing sex tomorrow, the promises never seem to come true.

I just feel like I’m a parent taking care of a moody teenager. I’ve given up career progression to be with her and make sure that our house is clean and she always has whatever food she wants. I’m rewarded with nagging and complaints about her work.
I’ve had more interaction with housemates than I’m currently having with my wife.

Last night was a big one for engineering with the launch of the SpaceX rocket. I asked my wife if she would like to watch it with me as it would only be 10 minutes and would be one of the coolest engineering feats that I have seen as an adult. She initially refused, wanting instead to watch something on TV. I watched the broadcast alone in our bedroom, then came back downstairs to show her what had happened. She watched the short video and then went on a tirade about how much money it costs, and that it should all be put to better use. All the while looking at her smartphone which is only possible through the launching of spacecraft to carry satellites.... it was like she took one of my great loves in life and said it was a waste of time. The only apology that I got for it was that she was trying to wind me up to get a reaction out of me.

Does this sound like a rough patch or the signs of something else?

I didn't want to read and run...things definitely don't seem balanced, you are giving a lot more to this relationship that she is. Could you list some of the points you have written down here and approach her with them? She needs to clearly know how you feel and needs to listen to what you have to say...

Doesn't sound great for only 7 years together and of that only 3ish of living together? Do you go out, have fun together? It does sound a bit sad. Take back your running, its not like you are eating into quality time together if she's sat on her phone the whole time and certainly don't be holding back your career to make sure your home in time to cook tea! Does she seem happy with how things are?

• side note wasn't space x full privately funded though? Up to Elon how he spends his money!

Wow, this sounds like a truly miserable marriage. How do you feel about your wife as things stand? Would you like to go to marriage counselling and make things work?

How does your wife feel? Is she happy with the way things are or does she know things aren't right?

It sounds as though things have been very unfair and unbalanced, I don't blame you for feeling hurt by her dismissal of the space rocket. My husband plays video games and often likes to tell me when he's completed one or something he deems interesting happens...its not my thing but I wouldn't sit there telling him its rubbish and pointless...that's just mean!

I think some more info on how your wife feels would be useful. I get that her job must be very stressful and maybe she finds winding down on her phone the only thing that helps her switch off but if you could make an agreement that you eat together and then spend an hour just chatting or watching tv or a movie or even play a board game without the distraction of her phone maybe some sort of compromise could be reached.

The sex thing is tricky to fix when theres so much obvious distance and resentment in your relationship. Are you intimate with her other than sex? Cuddling, kissing etc?

Your marriage isn't balanced.

She seems very selfish and needy.

You need to be firm and stop caving in to her requests. She won't respect you for it.

I've seen numerous situations like this and after all tje sacrifices and giving in to the whims of such women...they still betray you without a second thought.

Were you happy not to have children?

I'd have thought a doctor knew the benefits of exercise...but it all centres around her.

Stop being Mr. Nice guy.

I recommend the book titled 'No more Mr. Nice Guy'

Sorry to hear this. I does sound as though you are investing a lot more in the relationship than your wife.

I think she sounds like a bit of a hypocrite to be honest - 3 hours of exercise a week is too much time away from her, but she's stuck to her phone every evening?

If it were a woman posting this about a man, everyone would be advising you to go on strike. So try it! Stop cooking for her. Do something for yourself. Join a gym/running club. She is unreasonable to expect you to sacrifice everything for nothing in return.

Time to sit down and get all this out in the open. Tell her how you feel. Ask her how she feels. Do you want this life for the next 50+ years?

The last sentence worries me:

The only apology that I got for it was that she was trying to wind me up to get a reaction out of me

Sorry, but that's just being a bitch. Why? Why was she doing that?

I'm reading the Human Magnet Syndrome tis very good.

Have you looked into Codependency?

Have you heard of John Gottman? Google his credentials and have a look at his books.

Just a thought, do you think shes competitive, in competition with you?

Is she sympathetic? Show empathy?

Doesn’t sound like a rough patch, more that she is married to you now and takes you for granted . Also she sounds controlling and selfish. Some people show their true colours once married unfortunately. Sorry you are having to go through this . I am not sure what the answer is. Maybe couples counselling to start with ?
How does she feel about married life ?

Bloody hell. So you have to make all the sacrifices, you do all the housework and cooking. You're not allowed to do three hours of exercise a week and you're not allowed to travel for work. But she can do what she wants and even when you're home she's on Facebook ignoring you?

Op. What is the point in your relationship and so many sacrifices? You're still young. Leave her, do what you want and find someone who respects you and wants to spend time with you.

I'd add that life is too short to live like this. Don't wait to get older and then feel stuck with her and full of regret.

Try and sit her down and discuss your concerns ad outlined here...give examples in what you say.

Her response and reaction will give you an indication of how much she values you as a husband...how much she considers your feelings and will be a good indication of whether you can work on this...or go your separate ways...if she dismisses what you're saying...you kind of have your answer.

I'm sorry OP, I agree that things don't sound fair. Can you start to prioritise your own needs a little more? Such as "I'm going for a run" then doing it? "I need to go away for work" and doing it? It's your life too! You're still an individual even though you're in a partnership.

Sounds a bit rubbish I agree, and she sounds a bit switched off , I would love for my DH to be into running or something . I must mention about sex though-- that doesnt sound too bad, if you had said twice , then yes maybe, but maybe you are overestimating what is common in marriage. Also if you keep going on about it, thats pretty offputting too, women very often have to be 'feeling it' mentally to be interested and it doesnt sound as if she is .

She sounds horrible.
Why are you still with her?
It's all one sided from what you say on here.
Time for you!
Stop pandering to her.
I'd honestly not bother anymore!

I think your wife is extremely unpleasant. I'd be calling time on this marriage and get your life back while you're still plenty young enough to enjoy it to the full.

Divorce her. That's it.

She isn’t likely to change unless she has a life changing event..divorce usually counts as one

Wow.
Thanks to all for taking the time to read through my somewhat rambling post.
I’m very much about wanting our marriage to work out, the happiest moments of my life have been when we were together. The decision about kids was jointly made, I have numerous nieces and nephews and we both want to dedicate ourselves properly to our jobs while we still have the flexibility to work in some truly unique locations (I’ve spent weeks in Arabian oil fields working on gas turbines) which we may not be able to do with children.

Im hoping that it’s the stress of her work environment which has changed her, rather than wanting out of the relationship and using her behaviour as the way to make me leave.
I shall be rereading the responses and replying to them after more consideration.

Working as a junior doctor in hospitals can be hell. You have nothing left when you get home. I speak as a woman who was married to a junior doctor!

Divorce her and start to live your life, she won’t change and you will never be able to please her.

Ok, so you know you love her and you want the marriage to work. The next step is finding out what she wants and the only way to do that is to have a very honest and possibly painful conversation. You need to allow her to speak her mind and be willing to hear what she has to say even if it isn't what you want to hear. It may be that she is very unhappy in the marriage and doesn't want to make it work.

I think in your shoes I would tell ask her to put her phone down as you need to talk to her about something important. Then ask her how she is, how she feels and then tell her how you are feeling. Tell her you are feeling things are unbalanced and why. Be fair and be honest. If she shrugs her shoulders and goes back to her phone then I think you have your answer...she isn't willing to change and you should think about leaving. Hopefully she will listen and be responsive. Be careful not to talk at her, raise the main issues that are affecting you and work on those rather than nitty gritty things and start small such as asking her to please not go on her phone for an hour after dinner so you can talk and (I hate this term but can't think of another one!) reconnect.

I hope some of that made sense!

Your wife sounds insecure - is that the issue?

This woman sounds like she has radically different values to you. And she also sounds, frankly, nasty and mean.

Counselling. For you, on your own. You need to get crystal clear with yourself about what you want your life to look like. And then you need to assess whether she helps or hinders that. You have one precise life op. Do NOT waste it with someone who drains you and shits on the things that make you feel happy and interested. Truly.

Fwiw my partner shares your profession and he was enormously excited about the spacex launch -and I didn't care very much.

And you know what?

I made him a hot drink and cuddled up with him while we watched it. It was adorable how excited he was. I was happy to see him happy. He paused the video and showed different bits to me and explained what was happening, why etc. I tried to come up with comments and questions. Because I love him and I perceive his profession / interests as pivotal to what makes him, him... he would not be the person he is without that aspect of him. I would never in a million years dismiss something like that.

You deserve so much better.

I would run a mile now, before the kids come and you still can

Is this isn’t a wind up, that is?

There is no happiness to be found with a person like this. She won’t change.

Slightly surprised at some of these responses, as I've read extremely similar but with the woman in the position of op, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't all as supportive. Interesting.

Tbh, in a partnership with two high powered professionals, either one gives way (usually the woman) or they look at outside help when needed. Why do you have to get home by 4pm to make dinner? Because her surgery goes on late each day? No different to many other ppl getting back at this time. If it's easier for you to get back early and you enjoy cooking, what's the problem? (Senior office staff able to get home for 4pm Every Day? Really? That's lucky. ) If it's a problem, don't do it, eat later! No point being a martyr. Which is the tone which came through... Why should she pretend interest in all your interests? I think you're feeling sensitive atm and some of these things are being blown up out of proportion.

However, I feel that my wife is prioritising her career above everything else, especially our relationship
How so? She told you she was career oriented. She works long hours in an extremely important job (we need more female doctors). The sex thing is a common complaint for busy, tired ppl. It's not necessarily anything more sinister than that. 8 times in 3 1/2 months is approx once a fortnight. I'd be surprised if most couples didn't drop down to this frequency at some point in their lives together. 3 1/2 months is a short time to be complaining about, really. Wrt moving jobs to be closer, one of you was going to have to do it, why shouldn't it be you?

There's a v odd tone to this post. It covers a lot of things which would normally be borne by the woman in the relationship without anyone batting an eyelid. Some other things which seem blown out of proportion. I think you need to concentrate on building better communication so she knows how you perceive these things. Although I don't think you've got it as bad as you think you have.

Sorry, that was longer than I thought it would be!