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Original poster

How do I ask? Am I allowed to?

40 replies

Hammertime1986 · 06/02/2018 21:57

How do I say to dh that I'd like him to lose weight?

It feels bad that I want him to because I should love him no matter what.
We are still healing from his indiscretion over 2 years ago. This led to depression, major insecurity. Then there were job losses and life changes and weve fallen apart from each other. We don't have sex (at all) and I just don't feel that attraction right now and haven't for quite a while.

I know that to survive we need to find a way to get it back and I'm hoping that if I start to find him physically attractive again it could be part of the solution. I feel that at the moment we are just very good friends and I need to fins a way to change it.
How do I say that though? He does have a definite beer belly and I'd like him to lose it (I don't need muscles, although it would be nice if he could lift me for sex)
I'm currently losing weight myself as feel I have put on a little and want to get back to my old self so it wouldn't be hard for him to join my eating regime.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 06/02/2018 23:24

Can you suggest joining the gym together and perhaps having healthy foods at home.

Try it from a health angle.

Undercoverbanana · 06/02/2018 23:28

You could suggest that you do it together as a thing to share and to support each other. Going running or swimming together could be fun. However, it will only work if he really wants to.

Original poster
Hammertime1986 · 07/02/2018 00:08

We have a 4 year old so unfortunately going to the gym or running together is not an option. We'd have to work out separately so he'd have to do it under his own motivation. I try and have healthy meals as it helps me but he'll just snack/have large portions/have unhealthy lunches.
I've fortunately found an activity that I really enjoy and go out to do weekly.
Our salary doesn't allow us the luxury of a gym (my class is a very very cheap local class) so for him exercise would prob have to be running/dvd workouts,both of which I think would require convincing.

Am I OK to say that I'd like him to lose weight and that I'd support him doing so?

OP posts:
Undercoverbanana · 07/02/2018 07:15

I’m not quite sure how you would put that into a conversation, OP, and I think it would depend on his personality. Did he use to be sporty/fit/slim, or has he always been unhealthy?

AuntLydia · 07/02/2018 07:20

Are you sure it's really about the beer belly? It sounds like you've had an utterly crap time of it and I'm not sure a change of physique would heal all that. If you really do want to raise the subject of weight loss and exercise then I would do it from a health point of view. Presumably you feel better for it and you think he would to.

MrsGrindah · 07/02/2018 07:21

Sorry I can’t get past the comment about it would be nice if he could lift you for sex!

Original poster
Hammertime1986 · 07/02/2018 15:21

It has been a rather rubbish time tbh. I think I'm just determined that we try everything to make a difference and at the moment the physical attraction is not there and I was hoping that if that physical desire returns it will help.
He's never been a muscle type (and that's fine) but he didn't used to have such a large tummy.
Pretty sure he's noticed the change in me from exercising more. I'm more confident, fitter, happier.
Sorry about the "lifting me for sex" comment. It's such a silly thing but it would be nice if he took charge. In the bedroom I want a man who's in control (I think, as dh is all I've ever been with but it's never been particularly good)

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2018 15:51

I actually had to put it to my ExH when my DD was 2.
He smoked, drank too much, didn't exercise, was overweight.
So I sat him down and had a conversation and said something has to give. I want him to be a fit and healthy dad for our DD.
You either give up smoking, or drinking, or start exercising but you have to lose weight.
He chose to quit smoking.
Great, but it actually didn't help the weight loss.
So that might not be the best way to go about it!
But wording so he understands you want your DC to be proud of who he is. And you want him to be around for a long time to be there for his DC?

dirtybadger · 07/02/2018 15:58

Well, you could frame it as being for DC. Which is legitimate, too. No matter what you tell kids, they will always be more influenced by what you do. Say you have been thinking about the influence your habits will have on your DC and think you should both make an effort to improve eating, and maybe exercise (exercise isnt really necessary for weight loss tbh but it is obviously sensible in this context).

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 07/02/2018 15:58

I think this is possibly deeper than just physical attraction but I understand you want to do everything possible to fix your marriage after what happened. I think if he is unmotivated though it will be really tricky. Have you mentioned at all how you feel, that you would be more attracted to him if he lost his beer belly? I think you need to be kind but straight forward about it.

MarieG10 · 07/02/2018 16:01

You need to be honest as I’m afraid only a shock is likely to motivate him

Coastalcommand · 07/02/2018 16:02

You can’t ask. It has to come from him. You could cook really nice low-calorie meals, maybe ask him to support you in your fitness, but you can’t ask him to lose weight.
I would leave any husband who asked the same of me.

Littlechocola · 07/02/2018 16:04

I think his weight is the issue. You are clutching at straws trying to fix your relationship.

Littlechocola · 07/02/2018 16:04

I don’t think his weight is the issue I mean!

WitchesHatRim · 07/02/2018 16:05

As long as your happy for him to voice things he wants you to change!

It can't be a one way street.

FrogsLegs32 · 07/02/2018 16:06

@MarieG10

Seriously.

If my partner decided he needed to shock me into losing weight our relationship would never recover.

sirlee66 · 07/02/2018 16:09

I agree with PP saying there is a deeper issue than physical attraction.

However, I'd say to him that you're really struggling to lose weight and can he help you. You can't do it alone but you could if he did it with you. (Make it so he thinks he's doing you the favour and supporting you)

I did this with DH when I started SW.. not because he needed to lose any weight at all.. I genuinely needed support and the cheeky fecker would lose more than me and by only doing SW by default!! We'd have SW dinner (which is just normal healthy food really) and take left overs for lunch so that completely stopped any 'bad' snacking. Portion control isn't necessarily a factor on SW so I'd recommend giving that a go.

Abs are made in the kitchen and losing weight is 80% in what your eating so if he isn't exercising (although not ideal) he should still lose some weight which will hopefully give him the motivation to add in some exercise down the line. This can even be family walks 3 times a week as the weather gets better.

Good luck!

Honeyishrunkthekids · 07/02/2018 16:10

Hmm I think I’d also go down the health route rather than the weight ,if my partner asked me to lose weight I’d be upset, if they commented about my health I’d be more likely to do something about it .

expatinscotland · 07/02/2018 16:12

Sounds like you have far bigger issues than his and your weight. Your relationship appears to have run its course.

hungryhenryshouldeatelsewhere · 07/02/2018 16:21

Are you sure it's about his weight and not his previous indiscretion? Sounds like there are other factors affecting why you're not finding him as attractive.

Ginkypig · 07/02/2018 16:23

I think your focusing on the physical aspect because that feels easier to explain as a reason for why your not attracted to him or why neither of you are sleeping together in the same way we try to convince ourselves I'll be happier if I was thinner or richer or had a better job but then you get it and realise that was never the (whole) problem but your post screams that it's just so much more complicated than that.

Without knowing I can't advise (I'm not asking you to share) but my feeling is you probably both need to really look at what the real issues are and maybe try with a professional to work on them.

You mentioned his indiscretion, that has probably had a much much bigger impact than you have realised.

Good luck Flowers

LolitaLempicka · 07/02/2018 16:23

My DH is a fatty and I still fancy the pants off him. It really doesn’t sound like him losing weight would help. You don’t find him attractive, he had an affair and the sex has never been good anyway. I know what I would do and it isn’t asking him to lose weight in the vain hope that you may find him slightly more attractive, or that he would suddenly become a skilled lover. Life is short, be happy.

PoorYorick · 07/02/2018 16:25

Nothing silly about wanting to be lifted up for sex. If it's wrong then I don't want to be right.

I agree with PPs that his weight is not really the issue here. There are massive strains on your marriage and I'd say couples counselling, if he's willing to go, is a better starting point.

Ragwort · 07/02/2018 16:34

Imagine a man coming on here and saying 'I'd like my wife to lose weight' Hmm?

I am overweight, I know I am overweight and I don't need my DH, or anyone for that matter, to tell me. If my DH commented negatively on my weight I would happily show him the door.

Blackteadrinker77 · 07/02/2018 16:34

I would say it, I can't be any thing other than honest with my husband.

I couldn't sit back and watch him damage his health.

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