How do I ask? Am I allowed to?

[Hammertime1986]

How do I say to dh that I'd like him to lose weight?

It feels bad that I want him to because I should love him no matter what.
We are still healing from his indiscretion over 2 years ago. This led to depression, major insecurity. Then there were job losses and life changes and weve fallen apart from each other. We don't have sex (at all) and I just don't feel that attraction right now and haven't for quite a while.

I know that to survive we need to find a way to get it back and I'm hoping that if I start to find him physically attractive again it could be part of the solution. I feel that at the moment we are just very good friends and I need to fins a way to change it.
How do I say that though? He does have a definite beer belly and I'd like him to lose it (I don't need muscles, although it would be nice if he could lift me for sex)
I'm currently losing weight myself as feel I have put on a little and want to get back to my old self so it wouldn't be hard for him to join my eating regime.

As an aside to all the helpful posts why don't you do a DVD together in the evenings??

Imagine a man coming on here and saying 'I'd like my wife to lose weight'

This 'reverse the sexes' bollocks always comes up on these threads as if men and women exist in exactly the same cultural and societal context regarding weight and looks, and as if men have kids. So leaving that silliness aside, I'll say that I think responses would actually still be similar if this imaginary man also pointed out such serious marital stresses as OP has.

If my DH tried to tell me he didn't want to shag me because I'm fat I'd tell him to do one.

Also it doesn't sound like it is the weight that is the actual problem?

I don't think you can re-ignite sexual desire for someone you don't fancy any more - especially if the reason you don't fancy them is because they stuck their cock in someone else (presuming that's what happened - 'indiscretion' is a bit vague, also sounds like he dropped his towel or spilt some tea or something not fucked someone behind your back and lied about it?). Basically sounds like you are minimising it? I would never get past an 'indiscretion' and I honestly don't know why people bother.

Lastly, blimey, 'lift for sex' - I've had a possibly too adventurous sex life and a very wild time in my 20's but no-one has 'lifted' me for sex, apart from onto a surface but not throughout (and as a 6' personal trainer it would have been tricky, but still!). Does that happen IRL - the entire shag with the man lifting the woman!? Surely you'd have to be a tiny lady with a massive weightlifter? Fascinating, have I been missing out!? I don't think even The Rock could lift me now if that is a thing!

This. He knows he’s overweight, he’s the one who sees his body every day and puts his clothes on.

I’d suspect this isn’t about his weight at all.

I think he knows he is overweight.
He also has been dealing with a lot recently (and have you!) but his way to deal withings might not be the same than you. Which means it’s totally possible that the idea of going running etc might well be the last th8ng he wants to do atm.

But the most important thing is the fact that him loosing weight isn’t going to save your relationship.
If you dig a little bit deeper, I’m pretty sure that there are a lot of other issues (incl feeling insecure and unwanted in your relationhsip) that are at the root of the no sex situation.
Counselling (for you) would sound like a better thing to do.

Hi @Hammertime1986

Have a watch of this, it might help. She talks of the Accelerator and Brake. Very interesting🤔

I'd urge you to google John Gottman too; his credentials, books vids on relationships.

Do you do the cooking and the shopping? If so you could adjust his diet without telling him and stop buying any rubbish, if he asks just say your trying to improve the whole family’s health by cutting out the rubbish? Suggest doing things at the weekend that involve exercise?

I agree that it’s hard to tell someone they are overweight without upsetting them but I would feel the same as you as I don’t find fat men atractive.

Do you live near a parkrun? Because that's something you could do together as something that's fun to do as a family (you can push the 4-year-old round in a running buggy) and the weight loss will be a side effect. It would also have the advantage of you doing something together as a family - and it seems like you need to build more of a connection, rather than it just being a weight issue.

I would sit down and say that you want the two of you to get closer and have thought that getting fit together could be the answer. You want to go on a health kick food wise and wonder if he would help you by joining in. You want to go on family walks, exercise games in the park at the weekends as you think that will help to get your little one get more fresh air and out and about. Local swimming pool for family time ?

You both sound very unhappy and perhaps trying to save your marriage after his indescretion wasnt the right thing to do because it doesn’t seem to have worked.

I honestly can’t see any way that this could help your relationship. You’re basically saying you don’t find him attractive anymore. If a partner asked me this I‘d leave

I should love him no matter what.

hmmm, not so sure about that being applicable to someone who's cheated on you.

I get what you're saying but I'd say two things -

• don't displace everything onto the weight issue. As others have said, be careful that it isn't that actually, he's let you down and you can't get past it.

• don't be so quick to pull blame onto yourself if this is no longer working. Yes you should support one another. Yes it's shallow to just think about his weight. That doesn't mean that it's your job to bust a gut so that you convince yourself it's your job to fix it all.

Sounds like you're spreading your wings a bit too. No bad thing.

Yes there is definitely a lot going on.
I'm fine saying that the indiscretion was flirting, inappropriate behaviour with a colleague (from what I know groping) and then discussing said events after the fact in such a way as to imply that they felt they'd done nothing wrong. When I found out and said that I never wanted him to speak/have contact with her again outside a work setting, I found a message from him to her saying he wanted to keep in contact (both were moving jobs)
At the time I felt it was cheating but did they really do anything? I've felt less sure as time has gone on (been over 2 years) and from others cheating stories u feel I've taken it too hard.

I'm genuinely not sure about my marriage anymore. But i don't want to make a mistake if we can save it. I guess I am comfortable with him and terrified of being alone. I lack a hell of self confidence and suffer from anxiety.
I don't want to irreversibly change my daughters life if I don't need to.
Yes I shop and cook. He'll go and buy snacks and we have free food regularly at work (think fast food) and he fills his plate.

I don't think you are been too harsh. You need to find him attractive and it helps if they make the effort to be healthy themselves even if they still don't look amazing at least they take care in themselves. My DH is starting to let himself go a bit, which is fine but he needs to start looking after himself a bit more soon before he puts on too much weight. As it's the laziness that can be unattractive as well. I have said to my husband we need to start eating better and looseing weight soon and I know he know he needs to and wants to as well but it's actually doing it that is a bit slow.
Just try and tell him you think you both need to loose weight and be a bit healthier and ask him if he wants to do it as well. Hopefully he will say yes and then you can remind him he wants to do it when he is eating loads. Doesn't have to be in a mean way.
You could also go on walks as a family at the weekend to get a bit more active as it's hard doing gym etc when you have a child. That will prob help your relationship as well, getting out as a family and getting some fresh air and having fun.

Did you really believe 'groping'? Just 'groping'? Has there ever been any moment between two people who fancy each other which involved 'groping' but not kissing - groping surely only comes after/during kissing? I'm imagining them in the store cupboard at work him 'groping' a breast her 'groping' his cock but no kissing!? That seems extremely unlikely, but it doesn't sound like he's going to fess up two years after the event when he clearly got away with it. Also keeping in touch when something inappropriate has happened isn't OK.

Have you thought about marriage counselling where you could express your feelings about the 'indiscretion' which are unresolved (and probably sneak in the 'he's fat so I don't want to shag him' issue too)?