Bad mother and wife

[awoken3]

Basically I suffer from depression, I have two children 6 and 3. I find it so difficult to get up in the morning and this is where I think I'm being a bad mum.
The 3 year old has just started nursery two days a week.
My husband works from 10 to 7, he gets home at 7.40 by which time the kids are getting into bed, he usually has to lie down with them for half an hour in order to get them to sleep, on the two days a week he comes home a bit earlier he also does the bath time as well as bed time.
I'm home alone all day doing housework, with the kids, exercise tutoring some afternoons etc..
I don't get up with them in the morning, hardly ever. Their uniform is laid out for them and homework and sports kits sorted the night before by me.
My husband gets up at 7 and gets them both ready for school and nursery, I stay in bed until 8.30 which in itself I find difficult, I feel so groggy and slow. my children come in and say bye to me before they leave, today I picked my youngest up from nursery and my husband had put on her a light jacket even though it's snowing and her hair all undone and all over the place.
Her key worker had a go at me saying she needed to be in a bigger coat and have her tied, I told her I'd tell my husband to make sure she was properly dressed next time.
I told my husband this on the phone and he stated that if I was a better mother and woke up earlier then I could get her ready like every other mother in the world.
I do feel guilty all the time about this and am currently on rhodiola and st johns wort for my depression.
I do spend time with both children all day long but even my eldest has commented about how mummy never wakes up in the morning.
Am I as bad a mother as my husband clearly thinks.

I do not think you are a bad mother so much as someone who actually has a bad husband. You are trying your best under very difficult circumstances.

He does not sound at all supportive of you or your children in the slightest; he seems to only care about his own self. He was the one after all who put your DD in a thin coat and had her hair untied. What was the key workers response?.

How long have you been feeling like this?. What is the root cause/s of your depressed state; is it actually him?. Your H is certainly not helping at all here with such comments.

I also think you need something other than the herbal based medications you are taking for your depressed state. I would certainly visit your GP if you have not already done so and tell this person what is happening with you.

You sound like me a year ago. I went to the docs and not only now take anti depressants but blood tests also showed low iron and vit D. Since I've been taking the anti ds and washing down vit D and iron pills with a Barroca for good measure (!) I'm like a different person. I seriously found it so hard to walk up and couldn't think straight when I was awake. Perhaps it's worth seeing the doctor?

Sounds like the husband is cracking from being unhappily stuck in the marriage.

Not ma y folks, man or woman, would be happy in this situation.

Do you work op? Have you been to see a doctor?

I two vouch for a blood test but check for B12 deficiency too. It makes you utterly exhausted all the time and that can knock on to depression.

I have been prescribed citaopram, took them for two weeks and felt worse than ever, nauseous and dizzy and that left me able to do less than before.
I tutor at the weekends but not gone back to work as we both decided it wasn't worth it until youngest in primary school.
I've had depression on and off since the eldest was born but apart from the tiredness and sometimes I'm irritable, im still going out with kids and doing hobbies etc...
it may be worth getting my bloods done to see if it's something else that's causing me to be more tired.
do you think I should've tried the citalopram for longer? I thought I'd given it enough time.

my husband isn't stuck, I've not been happy in my marriage for a while and he won't agree to seperate, says we need to stick together for the children.
He has his head in the sand about everything, anything negative and he just won't talk about it

I think you have an amazing husband. He does sound supportive in that he works a long day and is still there for his kids.

By not working, you've taken on that responsibility and should be the one getting them ready in the morning and I completely understand why he would snap at you on the phone.

You have depression, it is a horrific illness, I have been there myself. However, you also have children and you need to take more responsibility for them as well as your marriage. You should be thanking your husband for how he has shown support rather than be dissing him for the time he's frustrated.

I understand it is hard but you have to fight it and not wallow in the self-pity. Your medicine is obviously not working, it took me many different medicines to find one that works, also exercise definitely does help as well as clubs, maybe join a sport or running club during the week when kids are at school to give you more of a social atmosphere and feel a greater purpose.

In these situations you have to think of how the depression affects your partner too, he shouldn't just be expected to suck it up. He's remained by your side and helpful and financially supportive. He sounds like he's trying. You need to show him you are too.

I think you definitely need to see your gp. Get comprehensive blood tests done. You may not want conventional medication but herbal remedies do not always work. I say this as suffering complex and serious mental illness for 20 plus years. He is probably feeling pressure but when mental health is poor it’s so hard just to even get out of bed in the morning. You are not a bad mother at all you make sure everything is sorted for them and your husband has to just sort the kids in a morning which is not too much to ask I don’t think.

Two weeks isn't really long enough for anti depressants, it takes about that long for them to even start to work. If the side effects were too much on one, you could try another? I think you should go back to the gp about that side of things.

Atilla how on earth can you say OP has a bad husband?! It sounds like he does a huge amount - gets the children ready, takes them to school, works a full day and then has to lie with the children to get them to sleep as soon as he gets home. Where does he get any time here? OP has given him an out and he hasn't taken it. That is not a bad man.

OP I second previous posters wrt your medication. I had similar problems with Citalopram and moved to a different 'family' of antidepressants. I'm on Venlafaxine and I can honestly say it's given me my life back. Good luck.

I take citalopram and find it helps me greatly. It took about 4weeks before I felt/saw a difference. I now only take a half of the smallest tablet

It is fact that most anti depressants do not kick in for 4 - 6 weeks and that in the meantime you continue to feel worse. This happened to me and then one day ............ The sun shone :)

Bad husband ?
At least he’s trying.
Doing his bit.
What would happen if he wasn’t there?

Please go to the doctor,
Get support,
Get better.
At least get a handle on it so you can tackle day to day life.

Could you not force yourself to get up for 1/2 hour to get the kids dressed knowing you can go back to bed when they’ve left?

Is it medication you’re on?

Sorry this sounds harsh but my Mum never got up in the mornings,
I had to get myself up, ready & off to school.
I still feel bitter about it as an adult.

My life has been ruled at points by my Mum’s “illness” depression & it’s hard not to hold resentment.
It’s not easy being the “adult” when you’re actually the child.

I’m far from perfect trust me & I hope you feel more well soon, for your own sake & the kids.

Two weeks is no way long enough to try citalopram. It takes more like six to properly kick in and help

I maintain he is a bad husband because he is not supportive at all and shows a complete lack of care. The following comment from the OP is also very telling re him:-

"my husband isn't stuck, I've not been happy in my marriage for a while and he won't agree to seperate, says we need to stick together for the children".

OP - staying for the children's sake rarely if ever works out well in the long run. It teaches the children that their parents relationship was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them. It is also not up to your H to decide whether or not to separate; he is not your master here.

Do return to the GP re your medication, the dosage may need to be changed or another medication could be tried. I also do not think you took this long enough initially.

Your DP sounds great tbh. I was just about to elaborate how fab he is but then when I worked full time, I got both kids up, got them ready, did the school run, went to work, picked them up, cooked tea and put them to bed. For some reason when men do it we think they're ace! However, that aside, I do think, in these circumstances, he's doing ok.

As far as I know, two weeks is not enough time for the symptoms you describe, to settle down. I would give them a chance to work OP.

Once you're feeling more level, you might look at your relationship differently or at least be able to tackle it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Sounds like the DH Is showing some kind of unity to tough it out during this time. OP might be depressed because of the relationship but if she gets treatment then she might see things differently? Who knows?

I think I do need to go back to the Dr, I'm just very reluctant to take anti depressants, I don't even take paracetamol but I guess if that's what's going to help me then I need to.
I do realise that my husband does a lot, I don't ask him to do anything at all around the house, no housework etc...
I do earn a bit of money with the tutoring and I am looking for a job I've never wanted to be a stay at home mum it was a joint decisions and what worked for us at the time.
I never said my husband was a bad man, he's isn't, he just isn't a proactive person and like I said never what's to deal with anything. He believes I'm unhappy in the marriage due to my depression and not the other way around and quite frankly I'm too tired to argue, I'd rather just stay in this marriage to make it easier but I never realised me not getting up with the kids in the morning would have such a bad effect on them.

Hi op,

You are not a bad mother, you have an illness. It sounds as though your husband is really trying to help as much as he can and is perhaps cracking under the strain of working and raising the kids. The comment he made about you getting up to see your dd was unhelpful but I think he's probably a bit exhasperated and not sure what to say.

I think you need to see your gp. I have depression and anxiety and was diagnosed with border line personality disorder 2 years ago. I take anti depressants and it took at least a month for me to feel any different. Like you, I was totally lacking in energy. Didn't want to get up in the mornings and just unmotivated. Once I had seen my gp, was on the right tablets for a couple of months I started setting myself small goals and more of a routine which helped so much. I started small, such as setting an alarm for 8 and getting up at 8:15 to put some washing on then gradually added things like up at 8, dressed and ready to walk the dog by 9:30 etc. I feel so much better about myself when I achieve little goals and I think you will too. See your gp, if you are prescribed medication then give that a month to work then start by setting yourself a small goal each day like maybe the first week it could be set your alarm for 8 and do your daughters hair, then increase it each week.

You're not a bad mum, you have an illness and you need help. Please seek it x

"I told my husband this on the phone and he stated that if I was a better mother and woke up earlier then I could get her ready like every other mother in the world"".

What do you make of this comment from the OP?. How is this man being supportive here?. He sent his DD to school wearing a thin coat. He is an adult, he knows how cold it is. It smacks of deliberate incompetence on his part because he sees this as his wife's role.

You need to see your GP. Neither of you can carry on like this, it’s an unworkable situation. You need to try the anti depressants for longer, give them time.

Well, not getting up with them needn't have a bad effect on them if dh was happy doing it. But apparently he isn't - or he's not doing it to standard (if he was happy with it, accepting dropping the standard would be OK).

The reason we're sort of focused on you not getting up is because it's likely a symptom of your depression.

And no, you shouldn't stay in a relationship that isn't working for you because he thinks it's for the best. If it's the cause of your depression, staying together's not actually in the best interests of the dc at all.

Sounds like he's had enough but feels stuck. He probably feels he can't leave because you can't get the kids up in the morning.

If you're miserable...you don't need his permission to separate...but I imagine he's also thinking of the finances.

It can't be much fun for him.

What I make of that comment is that he's probably pissed off being pulled up on a couple of errors on his part that he probably didn't actually think about while he was getting 2 kids ready for school & himself ready for work while his wife lay in bed... Pretty sure I'd give DH short shrift if he attempted something similar
Go to the doctors OP & stay on anti depressants long enough for them to take effect.