Bad mother and wife

[awoken3]

Basically I suffer from depression, I have two children 6 and 3. I find it so difficult to get up in the morning and this is where I think I'm being a bad mum.
The 3 year old has just started nursery two days a week.
My husband works from 10 to 7, he gets home at 7.40 by which time the kids are getting into bed, he usually has to lie down with them for half an hour in order to get them to sleep, on the two days a week he comes home a bit earlier he also does the bath time as well as bed time.
I'm home alone all day doing housework, with the kids, exercise tutoring some afternoons etc..
I don't get up with them in the morning, hardly ever. Their uniform is laid out for them and homework and sports kits sorted the night before by me.
My husband gets up at 7 and gets them both ready for school and nursery, I stay in bed until 8.30 which in itself I find difficult, I feel so groggy and slow. my children come in and say bye to me before they leave, today I picked my youngest up from nursery and my husband had put on her a light jacket even though it's snowing and her hair all undone and all over the place.
Her key worker had a go at me saying she needed to be in a bigger coat and have her tied, I told her I'd tell my husband to make sure she was properly dressed next time.
I told my husband this on the phone and he stated that if I was a better mother and woke up earlier then I could get her ready like every other mother in the world.
I do feel guilty all the time about this and am currently on rhodiola and st johns wort for my depression.
I do spend time with both children all day long but even my eldest has commented about how mummy never wakes up in the morning.
Am I as bad a mother as my husband clearly thinks.

He gets his kids redy and gets them to school and often gets them to bed. Op does everything else plus does some tutoring. He hardly deserves a medal, he's just working normal hours plus doing a bit of parenting.

Sending your child in a light coat in this weather is ridiculous. However, the hair comment is also ridiculous by the childminder - my girls always had straggly messy hair at that age and noone has ever commented about their hair ever.

Does he often put you down? Does he really think that it is solely mum’s job to get up in the mornings and do the school run? Because, I assure you, there is no rule written down that it must be so.

I'm home alone all day doing housework, with the kids

Are you alone or with the kids?

Isn't the 6 year old in school?

Mirror, I would imagine most would assume/expect it’s the SAHP’s responsibility to get the kids ready for their day...

You need to start helping yourself op.......be proactive.

If you did split up how would you manage the school run ?? Would the children live with their dad full time or even want to stay with you if he's doing the bulk of the work ??

The poor bloke sounds bogged down and knackered to me.

You're not a bad Mum Op. I have a disability that means I cannot wake up in the mornings because I don't sleep at night, I sleep between 5-10 and it takes me 3 hours to wake up, take my medication, get showered and dressed and pick up my son from school. I've taken him twice and that was with my husband, who also works and has never said anything as awful as what your husband said. People who haven't lived like this have no idea. I take on the full mental load, I am responsible for paying all bills and for doing birthdays/Christmas, groceries, everything school related except mornings. I am far from a bad Mum. Do see your gp again and try new meds, counselling perhaps? It's great that your husband does basic parenting in the mornings but he should be able to choose a suitable coat and brush your daughters hair. What do you want from your relationship?

I'm alone at home until 1 when youngest is picked up at nursery by me. I then pick up eldest, ferry him to various afterschool activities in the week and do the housework.
I do all homework with them, activities and play dates etc..
He is a good father he loves his children but i honestly didn't think he was doing too much by getting them up in the morning.
The days that youngest is not in nursery I do it and on the weekends too.
I do obviously have some guilty feeling about it already otherwise the comment that my husband made wouldn't have hot me so hard.
I've asked him for seperation many times and he says no because he doesn't want our marriage to fail. He does love me I can see that but there's many other problems on our marriage which I'm not going into as that's not what I've posted about

I think you need to go back to the doctor and do some form of exercise.

At the moment you have no need to get up and dressed so you need a reason to get moving.

Tell your dh that you will do the school run twice week and let him have a break.

He sounds fed up. You sound fed up. Something needs to change.

I doubt he did it deliberately- my two are similar ages and getting them out the house is a challenge- "I don't want that coat " " put your shoes on " x 50, not trainers school shoes, where is your water bottle, no you can't take toys to school/ nursery, why are you naked... etc
The wrong coat is easily picked up. I am not surprised your husband snapped at a simple mistake.

Op- go to your gp, get different antidepressants and give them 2 months at least- you deserve to feel better.

OP you need to stop being a coward regarding divorce. Book an appointment with a solicitor today to get the ball rolling.

I've asked him for seperation many times and he says no

You don't need his permission to separate. One person wanting to separate is enough.

Its a difficult one:

from your husbands perspective splitting up is difficult - neither of you are able to have the children all day so how exactly will it work.

Then he is getting up, getting them ready and at school working a full day then he gets home and gets them to bed. And then when he is overwhelmed and makes a mistake you blame him.

You on the other hand are feeling depressed and overwhelmed and no idea as to the way out of your unhappiness.

You are not bad parents but at the moment you are not being a good wife or husband but its neither of your fault. The first thing to do is to work out why you are so tired

You don't need his permission or agreement to split up if that's what you want to do. You just start the process.

I don’t think not getting up in the morning is bad parenting. At all. They’ve got one parent up, they don’t need both. Stay in bed man. Bed is the best.

It's interesting that you mention your husband is no proactive enough for you but you are hardly being proactive getting your medication sorted.
He might not be Mr Perfect and maybe he doesn't do more than the average working parent but he sounds like he is doing plenty, I suspect his mental health will be suffering as well in this situation.
If you are tired in the morning get out of bed, get the kids ready and then go back to bed if you need to.

@awoken3

I don't even take paracetamol

Why don't you? What's your rationale?

If the situation was reversed the man would be getting lynched. It sounds like a case of being happy to criticise but not prepared to help.

To be fair, he doesn't just get them up in the morning, he also puts them to bed and does a full days work in between. I'm not saying he's doing too much, but I am saying, give him some credit and stop minimising what he does and over playing what you do, ie I'm at home with them all day type of stuff. You're not.

I'd imagine the strain of the daily grind got to him and he snapped. It happens to us all.

I do also think you need to see a doctor, you shouldn't be feeling like this, so you need help. Depression is a mental illness. If you had a broken leg you'd happily accept pain killers. So don't deny yourself medication for this.

The situation can't go on, it's not healthy and the onus is on you to get help for your illness.

And no it's not easy getting two kids up, breakfasted and ready for school/nursery whilst you get ready for work. Ask anyone who has done it.

Op have you thought about going back to work? Housework and getting bogged down with the constant demands of children may not be the best thing for you. Going out to work and getting some respite and duly interaction may help you in all sorts of ways, especially if you're unhappy in your marriage and you suffered pnd.

And everyone else, her husband is doing a fraction of what millions of mothers do every day. He can't be bogged down. When I worked full time I had to do all that plus all housework and cooking. He just has to get the kids ready with clothes that the op washed, ironed, folded and put away and no doubt bought. Give them breakfast that the op shopped for and take them to school and start work quite late at 10am. The cone home, eat his dinner (after op has been with one child since one pm, the other child since about 3, done homework, gotten them to clubs, taken them home, bathed, fed them food that she's shopped and cooked for, put them in their PJs etc and the husband just has to tuck them in the beds that the op has washed and made and so on. On top of that she's been doing housework and some tutoring. I know which one is easier!!

Hi I can see your husbands sharing the load but yes he shouldn't critisize you - you are probably depressed - you sound unhappy in your marriage and this can grind you down - I too started anti depressants - for me they worked after about 5 weeks - I built up from 10mg to 20mg - it helped to lift me from the grind and actually helped clear my head and give me the strength to leave my husband.
It would be worth getting your thyroid levels, vitamin D and iron levels - there is an organisation called Home Start that is a free service that could come in the mornings and help you with the children.
You may benefit from exercise if you can motivate yourself and try and eat well. Do you have any fun - see friends?
I wish you well.

But you’d have to get up if he gave you the divorce you so evidently want? So why can’t you do it now if that the main issue? Go back to bed after, you’ve got til 1pm!

If you really want divorce then it's not up to him.but as others have said try the GPS and give the medicine time to work. I tried a couple of brands before one worked and it really was like a weight lifting. I also wanted to leave my husband when I was low, no reason just felt devoid of emotions. When the pills worked I was in love again!
That may not be the case for you but if your emotions are sorted then you can make a proper decision.

I suspect the way you told him about the coat affected the way he responded. It's not so much our words...but the tone too.

You could also have waited till he got home to tell him...and if you had to tell him at work...but you felt bad or guilty after the teacher spoke to you and transferred that to him....perhaps subconsciously.

Phrased like this

"It was quite cold today...so DD needs to wear her thicker coat tomorrow ...her teacher mentioned it to me today"

If the situation was reversed the man would be getting lynched.

100%

It would be "You're only human..it was a mistake...is it any wonder after you do so much "

Double standards every time.

I have taken on board everything that's been said.
I do feel guilty so I guess I know deep down that I should be getting up. I do make sure everything is ready in the morning for them. I've never had a go at my husband about anything regarding this before so that's why I was shocked with his answer because he's never expressed to me that he finds it hard or is frustrated or anything. it seemed to come out of nowhere.
for the poster who suggested exercise, I do weights and cardio 5 times a week and it helps immensely, I only get to do 30 mins so maybe I should try for more.
And the pp who asked why I don't take paracetamol, it's because I try to put as little medication in my body as possible, the herbal stuff clearly isn't helping with my depression so I will see my gp as soon as I can.

Sounds like you should find a good anti-depressant and then start putting your life in order. If you want to separate, separate and if you want to go out to work, do so. Then get off the anti-depressant, under medical supervision.

As someone whose mother was chronically depressed because back in the day my father didn't let her work (good ol' 1950s) and myself was never cut out for being a SAHM, though I admire anyone who does that immensely, I think you would be a lot happier in work.