Depressed Dh is bringing us all down with him

[Valleyflower]

I've namechanged as some of the circumstances are fairly outing. Sorry this is long, it's been a long time brewing I guess.

Dh has been diagnosed with mild depression, is taking a low dose of anti depressant and having counselling. This is helping him cope to some extent - he's under pressure at work for example and now he's staying afloat instead of feeling like it's sinking him. But he's still miserable and moody and his moods are sucking all the joy out of our family. I don't feel like he's got my back either as a husband or a father if that makes sense? After a hard day I'm desperate to feel like we're in it together, or for him to recognise that I'm struggling and show me that I can lean on him, even if it's just a hug that's directed at me (not a hug because he feels bad). I signed up for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and i take it seriously working through the bad times. But constant gloominess, anger, aggression (not physical and not directed at me, just lashing out verbally at the terrible world around him) - that's not what I signed up for. But it feels like he's so deeply sunk in layers of issues that the dh I married isn't there any more.

I guess my question is how long can this go on for? I'd be devastated to leave him because I'd be leaving the man who truly used to light up my world. But how else can I support him?

We've been together a long time, and have 2 dc under 5. He loves his dc but hates being a father- hates the responsibility it brings and the way he can't just do what he likes now. He decided this when I was 6m pregnant with dc1.

A few years ago he worked in a conflict zone. Could have accessed support when he came home but chose not to. Looking back, this is where the issues started - a year of student-style living (on a compound, all mates together, washing and cooking done for them, excellent bar) then coming back to a mortgage and a commute in rainy Britain. The Dh I married didn't come home - he was angry and resentful of all the real life stuff he had to pick up again. He saw some awful things while he was away and I wonder if there's an element of ptsd.

I've tried to ride out the difficult times and support him, but it's getting to the point where his moods are affecting all of us. I've been through a rough ride too with work and becoming a parent (first pregnancy ended up with me and premature dc1 both in critical care for some time) but he's so wrapped up in himself he's never been able to help me through that.

We're going away soon on a long haul trip to where his brother lives. It was his idea. Suddenly he's decided he doesn't want to go. Obviously we're not cancelling but we'll leave walking on eggshells yet again because this amazing trip is now on his list of things to be negative about. Along with certain friends who wind him up, family members who don't act like he wants them to, our spirited 4yo have a whiney day, his commute, the rain, brexit, work, children's toys making a mess, "stuff" in the house... He only sees the bad side of things and I feel I can't win. I don't know how much of that is mh related or could be helped with some professional support, or if it's just who he is and I fell in love with a version of him that wasn't real.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I suspect that he does have some PTSD.

Is he getting any support other than medication?

As you said you the DH you married did come back . Time to decide if want to be with DH he us now .

Sounds like revisiting the Dr might help. Different antidepressants and proper counselling for his experiences.

Oh and a long talk about the fact he doesn't get to choose which bits of life he does if he wants to stay in your family.

Well he is ill, so in that sense the behaviours you describe are part of that illness. Having said that, I do think he has a responsibility to do everything he can to get well, and I don't underestimate how hard it is to live with someone suffering from ptsd and depression. Maybe it is time for a frank discussion about the severity of the situation. He needs to seek further help and to understand the consequences of not doing so.

So sorry to hear you’re going through this ValleyFlower. It sounds exhausting and draining for you all and if nothing changes it’s only going to affect your DC more as they get older and more aware of underlying atmosphere.

Have you tried talking to your DH about how you’re feeling? How did he respond to your concerns? Do you think he’d go back to the doctors for a referral for PTSD?

He needs to go back to the GP and get his dose adjusted and ask for counselling for ptsd.
It took me 20 years of living with a DH with depression to give him the choice of sorting it out or leaving. The depression did a lot more damage to our kids in that time than we realised. So I totally get the for better/worse thing but don't sacrifice your kids to that idea.

The good news is that he did get help. We're all happier now. He wishes he'd done it many years ago and the routine bloods that the gp did before giving antidepressants found his symptomless prostate cancer very early. So all in all I don't regret giving him the ultimatum

Dh has been diagnosed with mild depression, is taking a low dose of anti depressant and having counselling

When was his diagnosis, and how long has he been taking ADs and having counselling?

You have only a few options and this happened to me when his abuse got too much he'd pull the but I'm depressed card out don't leave and I'd say get to the doctors and he'd get a new anti depressant and we'd limp on for another few years, I begged him to go for the therapy they offered too but he wouldn't. Having had to have my own course of therapy recently for post natal troubles which bought all the abuse to the surface from years ago my therapist said those that come to therapy are serious about sorting things but the majority of men that think this won't help me i don't need that shit I don't have a problem I need therapy, for won't ever get better. I wish I'd have known that years ago I'd never not want my little girl but I'd have left much much sooner. The dark depressing eggshell days that he used to put us all through are over. His mental illness used to make me feel suffocated I couldn't breathe for it. I know my situation was a bit different in that my ex had a personality disorder which led to the abuse but with ocd and depression too, which was always his go to excuse for his behaviour which I swallowed everytime, but the msg is the same their actions are telling, if they are willing to do anything for their family they'd get to therapy and help themselves. You're taking your vows seriously bless you but he is not!!! He needs to help himself. I'm sorry this is a shit response and not the one I would've wanted to hear back then but for me it was to the point where his day to day behaviour was affecting my kids and it's one thing putting myself through all his weird shit but certainly not my babies.

He's been taking antidepressants and having counselling over the phone since December. There's been a noticeable change since mid January with the way he's dealing with stress at work (and it's justifiable stress - they're badly managed and understaffed at the moment) so I think the medication is having an impact from that perspective. But I think it goes deeper than that and the counselling isn't touching on that.

I don't think he's mentioned the ptsd theory to the gp. It took a real crisis at work to get him to even talk about a low level of depression with her. I think he needs to speak to her about it though, even if it's just to confirm that he doesn't have It, so he can go about unpicking all the other things that wind him up in a suitable way.

I think the issue Is, he feels a bit better about life first thing in the morning, so he brushes yesterday's problems and his reactions to them under the carpet. Yesterday he had a message from a friend who winds him up (she asked if he was free for a drink, after a 6 month radio silence from her, but he's not free because he's busy at work and going on holiday soon. But he spent the rest of the day dwelling on it, saying bad things about the friend, and it put him in such a bad mood that nothing else was right.

CanI it's good to hear things improved for you. I'm worried about the impact on the dc too. Dc1 in particular is quite high maintenance emotionally- she's a carbon copy of dh in the way she reacts to the world. She needs us to be on her side to help her to thrive as she gets bigger. He used to be able to deal with negatives and now he can't.

There isn't a lot you can do for him except be there. I would suggest he goes back to GP to check medication, but it can take a few weeks to have an effect. The fact he is having counselling so quickly is good (I had to wait 7 months then went private). My own family have told me it is so difficult, as not knowing how to help someone with depression. You could have a word with your GP to see if they can offer you some support.

Maybe his dose isn't right yet.

Oh Valley I really feel for you. I recognise the "walking on eggshells"scenario. DP does not know why he is depressed but refuses to act on any of GP suggestions for coping strategies such as exercise. He gets angry and much of his anger his directed at teenage DS( with no good reason) . I worry about the effect on DS but at least I can discuss the situation with him. It must be so much harder with young children. We had a trip planned at Christmas and he announced the day before that he was not coming! I took DS anyway . When we returned he did not speak to us for over a week. I have had to delay a big trip we had booked for a special birthday. I am upbeat generally but he is starting to bring me down. Can your DP access treatment specifically for PTSD? I hope things improve for you. It's a lonely place and nobody outside really understands. Feel free to PM anytime

There isn't going to be an easy fix is there?

canI I was surprised at how low his dose is (I had the same medication a few years ago and had a higher dose, which my gp at the time described as low). I think he'd probably tell her It's making a difference though, so she might not want to increase it.

tiredmum that sounds incredibly difficult. I'm glad you've managed to find a way out of the other side of it. You're right about the counselling - and I hope it's a positive that he's engaged with it and says it's been helpful. He's good at saying what people want to hear though, so I think the course will finish soon because he's dealt with the immediate problem (the work stress).

I hadn't thought about going to the gp myself. Do you think she'd listen to my concerns about him if I go by myself? It feels a bit ott to speak about myself though, my problem is that my family need more of me than I have to give and that's not a medical issue until they learn to clone people!!

It's time for the dc to smear weetabix over themselves and the kitchen but just wanted to say thank you for your replies before signing out for a few hours. Don't want to be the poster that pours their heart out then disappears but will be back later.

I think this is one of the key issues when living with someone with this type of mental illness. The constant negatively and selfishness. At some point it becomes wearing for the partner having to live through it daily.

It's also feels like it's not ok to tell them, because hey they are ill, and you're supposed to support them, right? You've just supposed to take it on the chin and live with it as long as it takes, and you and the kids don't matter, only they do.

I think I would sit him down and explain that his mental health and constant negativity is now impacting the family. That as much as you love him, it is becoming damaging.anc that you wish him to understand his behaviour impacts others. That you want to know what you can do to help, as it needs to be resolved and quickly,

Because I'd be concerned he's got into a cycle of negativity that he is not trying to break. It's become a habit and a mindset. And he's not thinking how it impacts anyone else.

Was he in the forces, I ask only as he worked in a conflict zone.
I would contact Combat Stress now if that is the case even if he does not because you certainly need more help and support than you are receiving. He needs also to return to the GP and with you also present at that appointment.

Do you think he has been honest with anyone here let alone his own self re his overall state of mind?. He has downplayed this to everyone around him and now the chickens are coming home to roost with you people as his family being caught up in the fallout.

You cannot help anyone who may well or even does not want to be helped. You can only help your own self ultimately and I am concerned to read that your eldest is exactly like him too; her dad's depressive state is affecting her also as well as you. What is she learning from you two about relationships here?.

hadn't thought about going to the gp myself. Do you think she'd listen to my concerns about him if I go by myself? It feels a bit ott to speak about myself though, my problem is that my family need more of me than I have to give and that's not a medical issue until they learn to clone people!!"

Would certainly go to the GP by yourself and give this person your take on things re your H. That person should listen to you, at the very least he/she should be advised that your H previously worked in a conflict zone. It is NOT ott to speak about your own self here, all your family unit that you also created is being profoundly affected by this man's state of mind.

In the unlikely event of the oxygen masks descending on an aircraft the advice always stated is to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. You are going to have to do the same and seek support to help you. If you are yourself struggling its a real problem here and its more than ok to seek help.

It's awful when someone has depression. My dear friends husband has it and it makes visiting her difficult - my kids love her and he makes it unpleasant.
I think try and get more than phone counselling. The warrior programme was set up for service men with ptsd and they might be able to help.
Depression is an illness and needs to ve treated as such and sometimes it helps to talk about it like that and not an identity statement - he has depression not he is depressed.
I have also (probably naively - so sorry if I'm completely off the mark) whether bad behaviour gets mixed up with depressed behaviour. With my friends husband I have wondered if sometimes his truly awful behaviour has been excused by his depression and he is never held to account for the way he speaks to her which in itself sets up a new norm.

He definitely needs to go back to the doctors to check that mild depression is the right diagnosis. If it is then he can't blame all that you describe on that and if it isn't they need a different plan of action. It doesn't sound that mild to me and he sounds in denial tbh.

I also think that this whole blaming negativity on depression is a vicious circle. We'd all get depressed if we were negative about everything, has he tried cbt to try and break this?

I feel sad reading this post as a fellow MH sufferer. My initial thought is that two months is no time at all since diagnosis and medication for any significant change to have taken place. Medication is not a quick fix nor is phone therapy. I'm not convinced that you wanting the old dh back that quickly is helping him. I appreciate you are struggling but what you are experiencing with no co-parenting or support, just exhaustion is no different than 1000's of single mums deal with on a daily basis. Take over steering the family ship and give him six months of unwavering support. If he hasn't or can't improve his MH then re-evaluate your marriage. In the meantime, read up about MH issues and follow up and get support for dh for the PTSD.

jolene I'm asking this question having been running the family ship for the last five years. He's had my unwavering support during that time and he's broken me in the process while he's refused to acknowledge a problem. You've made a dismissive assumption there that it's "just" exhaustion that's only been a problem since he sought help in December, and that I should suck it up because at least I have another adult in the house. I suffer from depression and anxiety myself and have done for many years. I've been placed at risk of redundancy three times over three years and faced workplace bullying and discrimination. My workplace has been moved so three days a week I spend 3 hours commuting and deal with all the childcare requirements either end of that. I do all the housework, manage all the bills and the finances, because he can't deal with that. I'm not just carrying the parenting, at a time when I need support from my husband I'm carrying the needs of an adult who can't be an adult for himself, and the fallout on his children who pick up on his moods, anger and unreliability. I can't steer this ship any more than I already am.

If it is PTSD then anti-depressants are not likely to help. Also, I think it is very important that he have a proper assessment as he will need the right kind of talking therapy.

It may not be PTSD though, it could simply be difficulty adjusting to civilian life, which lots of people from the armed services have, with or without PTSD.

But at the most basic level making sure he has had a proper assessment and is accessing the right support is essential.

That said, he may just be an arse. The description of him going away and coming back different though does indicate that is the source of the problem rather than him just being a common or garden knobhead.

All you can really do is decide how much to put up with though.

Its good that he is having the counselling but from someone that's tried both counselling and therapy I would say the differences are huge therapy is much better at rewiring your brain as it were. I think it can only work face to face aswell. I know it's very very difficult but sit down with him and tell him the impact it's having on you all and mostly your babies and get him to go back to the doctors, he may need a different medicine and ask for cognitive behaviour therapy. In fact he can self refer for that anyway he doesn't need the doctor to refer. Online google "lets talk" but he may need in his head that to come from a doctor as it all seems a bit more official that way and you need him to know the impact of what's going on. My heart breaks for you valleyflower it really really does

He wasn't in the military, so a lot of services exclude him on paper. He was there in an official capacity though, linked to the conflict that was happening. I'll speak to combat stress though to see if they'd consider helping, as I suspect there are similar issues at play.

I just don't know whether it's bad behaviour or a cause of whatever he's dealing with in his head. Part of me wants to give up and accept it's a case of common or garden knobhead. But he used to be a nice person, and I know he's struggling with something. But where does the line fall?