Depressed Dh is bringing us all down with him

[Valleyflower]

I've namechanged as some of the circumstances are fairly outing. Sorry this is long, it's been a long time brewing I guess.

Dh has been diagnosed with mild depression, is taking a low dose of anti depressant and having counselling. This is helping him cope to some extent - he's under pressure at work for example and now he's staying afloat instead of feeling like it's sinking him. But he's still miserable and moody and his moods are sucking all the joy out of our family. I don't feel like he's got my back either as a husband or a father if that makes sense? After a hard day I'm desperate to feel like we're in it together, or for him to recognise that I'm struggling and show me that I can lean on him, even if it's just a hug that's directed at me (not a hug because he feels bad). I signed up for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and i take it seriously working through the bad times. But constant gloominess, anger, aggression (not physical and not directed at me, just lashing out verbally at the terrible world around him) - that's not what I signed up for. But it feels like he's so deeply sunk in layers of issues that the dh I married isn't there any more.

I guess my question is how long can this go on for? I'd be devastated to leave him because I'd be leaving the man who truly used to light up my world. But how else can I support him?

We've been together a long time, and have 2 dc under 5. He loves his dc but hates being a father- hates the responsibility it brings and the way he can't just do what he likes now. He decided this when I was 6m pregnant with dc1.

A few years ago he worked in a conflict zone. Could have accessed support when he came home but chose not to. Looking back, this is where the issues started - a year of student-style living (on a compound, all mates together, washing and cooking done for them, excellent bar) then coming back to a mortgage and a commute in rainy Britain. The Dh I married didn't come home - he was angry and resentful of all the real life stuff he had to pick up again. He saw some awful things while he was away and I wonder if there's an element of ptsd.

I've tried to ride out the difficult times and support him, but it's getting to the point where his moods are affecting all of us. I've been through a rough ride too with work and becoming a parent (first pregnancy ended up with me and premature dc1 both in critical care for some time) but he's so wrapped up in himself he's never been able to help me through that.

We're going away soon on a long haul trip to where his brother lives. It was his idea. Suddenly he's decided he doesn't want to go. Obviously we're not cancelling but we'll leave walking on eggshells yet again because this amazing trip is now on his list of things to be negative about. Along with certain friends who wind him up, family members who don't act like he wants them to, our spirited 4yo have a whiney day, his commute, the rain, brexit, work, children's toys making a mess, "stuff" in the house... He only sees the bad side of things and I feel I can't win. I don't know how much of that is mh related or could be helped with some professional support, or if it's just who he is and I fell in love with a version of him that wasn't real.

This jumped out at me:

He loves his dc but hates being a father- hates the responsibility it brings and the way he can't just do what he likes now. He decided this when I was 6m pregnant with dc1.

Leaving aside why you decided to have another baby if this was how he felt, sounds like it's family life that's making him feel this way.

And that won't change until they grow up and leave home. Are you prepared to live like this until then??

For me one of the lines would fall over him hating being a father as it would make me feel shit and I'd worry about the impact on dc.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him you can not carry him any longer. He either gets proper help and is open about his issues or you are gone. You can only keep going for so long. What happens when you break. Be brave, speak to him today and make him face up to it before its too late.

Take him out as much as you can socially. What is his cultural background? Encourage him to focus on the musical/language side of that. I've had severe anxiety for a number of years (very identifiably Irish and we often don't fare well when fascists go nuts but then some join jn) - since about 1998- and went in happy go lucky but came out of my first class honours degree with the biggest case of fear . We also have a fair bit of PTSD in my family (my grandfather served in SE Asia during WW2 then went into Nagasaki a week after bomb was dropped and served there for 3 more years). I've found focusing on cultural stuff very helpful.

The line falls when you have had enough TBH.

You don’t need to decide whether he is a knobhead because he’s a knobhead or a knobhead because he has trauma.

The important things IMO are;

• is he accepting responsibility for his behaviour even if he is not managing it well?

• is he seeking support?

• are you and the dc able to be around him while he sorts himself out?

I know the feeling, what with Brexit (which affects our work) constant rain, current political situation, my DH is permanently in crap moods, I wake up to whatever ludicrous political thing is going on being relayed, whilst I totally sympathise I internalise, he externalises and it is very wearing!!

Op, your situation sound so difficult xxx You are risking a breakdown yourself if things do not improve.
I would talk to your own gp about expected timelines for improvement, and go from there. I also would be thinking very seriously about leaving too. There is no way I would want to subject my children to this long term.

Valley - you sound like a wonderful parent and a more than wonderful and patient wife. As someone who has suffered with minor anxiety and depression, I don't think there is much more you can do for him. Trying to be completely honest here. You sound supportive and caring. He is a lucky man (must be frustrating that he doesn't realise that)

You need to take care of yourself though. If he is not willing to sit down with you and talk this out, you need to look to the future and make yourself happy. With or without him

EMDR has been clinically trialed for PTSD. It can work after just a few sessions. It may just help and give him a starting point for getting better.

Now you have explained more perhaps you need to change your job in the medium term to something more local and manageable and in the short term, he needs to step up to his responsibilities. It's all going horribly wrong for you atm

If I were you I'd make an appointment with the GP for yourself and go and tell them the full picture. Hopefully, then, the next time your DH goes in for a MH check-up the conversation will be lead in such a way that he opens up more fully to them himself, and he can then receive better support from them.

I've done similar for my DP over the last year or so. He's on ADs and they really don't mix well with alcohol. I once rang his doctor shortly before he had an appointment with her to let her know his drinking had gone up, and again, about 6 months later, I asked my doctor to get something put onto his notes again.