Historic CSA and parents <trigger warning>

[Yellowshadeofgreen]

This is very identifying so I will NC after but here goes.

I told my parents 10 years ago I was abused by my brother as a small child, he is significantly older. At the time I was so relieved that they believed me that I went along with their subsequent wishes that essentially I tell no one else and that I continue having contact with DB. They were admittedly devastated and said they were victims of this too and couldn’t imagine dealing with the fall out. True they were good parents and did not deserve for this to happen.

For 10 years it was more or less swept aside until for a variety of reasons it came back up, a second victim came forward and the whole thing blew up.

All of the emotions came out from me at this point. My parents utter betrayal, my disgust at DB from whom I am now and for evermore estranged from. I actually nearly lost it completely, really had a difficult mh time. Cut off my parents completely for a couple of months. However subsequently I confronted and had it out with my parents and they apologised. So now we are in contact again.

However I am still having mixed feelings about what to do going forward with my relationship with my parents. They want to continue their relationship with my brother as before. However I am not sure how I am going to handle that. This is a police matter now but DB lives out of the country (prosecution will be unlikely from abroad) so my parents would be visiting him abroad.

My parents will never have it out with DB, they have not since brought it up with me, so in essence they will come not bye to sweep it under the carpet. They never once mentioned to DB, until it blew wide open, that they knew what he had done to me which I took as a huge betrayal. To me their visiting and pretending everything is rosey in the garden is tantamount to condoning him, his life and what he has done.

Things are okay at the moment between us but I want to head this off at the pass before it becomes an issue.

There is loads more to this so I may end up drip feeding to beat the band here but my biggest concern is that I am landlord nOg myself for another huge fall out with DP. What should I be doing or thinking here. I would love some outside perspectives.

landloard = Landing sorry for all the typos.

Can't really offer any helpful advice, but you should be proud of yourself for having the strength to come forward. Don't forget that. Just be selfish now, think of yourself only when deciding what to do. Take care

Thanks rag. I really am at a loss as to what to do to be honest.

Bump. Would welcome any thought please.

God how hard, so sorry OP. They must feel like they have to choose but if they believe you (as they should) then they can't believe him too?

I'm not sure what to advise, it's such a specific situation. Have you spoken to a therapist about this?

Hi yellow

So sorry for what you have gone through

I think there are two parts to this as far as your parents are concerned

Firstly they acknowledged it happened, but insisted on normality going forwards
Then another victim comes forwards and they do nothing to confront him, I think this should have been their moment so to speak, when he should have been torn a new one, with full support going forward to you.

Then if they really felt they couldn't have cut contact with him, kept it on the down low and away from you. Either way your parents don't come off well at all here, they had two chances to support you, and have flunked both.

I think under the circumstances you have given enough to all of them, its time to cut ties now, they made their choice, your suffering all over again because in short you feel betrayed by not just him but them as well.

💐

Thank you so much for the responses, I know it is such a difficult topic so I really appreciate it.

God how hard, so sorry OP. They must feel like they have to choose but if they believe you (as they should) then they can't believe him too?

ohholy DB has admitted what he has done to me to DF. The problem is they don’t challenge him on it at all. It is swept under th carpet and they just continue on as normal.

Guilty you have hit the nail on the head for me their betrayal has stung as much as my DBs. I know that makes no sense but that is the reality for me. However outside of this one issue they have been really great which makes it so difficult.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for your parents to face this and that's why they brush it under the carpet but as Guilty says I agree that cutting ties is the way forward - I also can't imagine a future where you can have contact with them and not feel that betrayal every time.

It's so so sad to think you may lose them now as your family when you were/are the victim.

I really hope you are seeking counselling for this, even if you have before. I hope a professional could guide you through your feelings and you can make some peace with it. I have nothing to offer you, I just feel for you and your story has struck me and I hope you can find you way through this.

Hi again

"The words outside of this" I find quite chilling lovely if I'm honest

This isn't they were late picking me up, or my birthday card was a day late
This is well, life changing and mentally damaging, done by one of their own on one of their own.

It must be dreadful for them yes, I cannot Imagine what they have been through, not knowing how to handle his damaging behaviour.

But fuck me, they through you under the bus, he knobbed off too another country
And still there's nothing left for you.

They must be so relieved you have been so good about it up until now, but op
Believe me when I say, this for you won't go away, your abuse may have been made worse by their failure to act, if that's possible. please see a decent therapist

None of this was ever your fault, and never will be. 💐

I’d cut all ties with them. They are supposed to be your parents. They should have stood up for what’s right. Not set you back 10 years with pretending nothing happened. They've made their choice and chose your brother, I could not agree with this and would cut them off. I’d tell them why by letter. I know it sounds easy and it never is in real life, but seriously, they don’t deserve to have a daughter.
And you deserve more.

It's so so sad to think you may lose them now as your family when you were/are the victim

That is eating me up OhHoly and the fact they have apologised and meant it but these lingering feelings aren’t getting tied up because now they have shut down once more. I know I could do more and push it but I’m tired of being the one to push it.

I really hope you are seeking counselling for this, even if you have before I went to counselling when all of it was breaking down and I have come to the conclusion that I probably need more.

Hi again Guilty The words outside of this yes I guess that sounds very underwhelming given the context Guilty. I guess I meanthe excellent relationship we have outside of this ‘issue’ does not negate the ‘issue’ but it does give us a reason to try to build on a future relationship if that makes sense. That is why I would be so sad to lose it.

My father totally gets that they threw me under the bus with what they did. Those exact words have been my own thoughts on the matter. My mother not quite as much. Ironically though my mother is currently not speaking to DB while my DF is. However I know them and in a few months when things calm down they are likely to want to visit him and when they do there will be absolutely no mention of what he did to me and DSis. This disgusts me tbh. Also I firmly believe that my parents could influence my DB to come home and plead guilty in court, absolutely no one else could, but they have not made any attempts to encourage that and so long as they currently having their cake (being in contact with me) and in the future eating it (being in contact with DB) I fear they will not change.

Thank you Altiara for your post. They've made their choice and chose your brother initially I thought this too but when I thought about it more it turned out to actually be worse than that. They actually chose themselves. That hurt like fuck when I realised that. They didn’t want anyone to know and they wanted DB and me in their lives and they threw me under the bus to get the outcome they wanted.

I actually let my DF have that full force when I confronted him. I let rip at him one morning. He sincerely apologised for his actions. He has said he is one my side for whatever that is worth.

I think what guiltypleasures has said is spot on. You’ve done nothing wrong and are getting little to no support from them in coming to terms with what was done to you. Meanwhile your cowardly brother has run away from his evil deeds and is getting a heck of a lot more attention than he ever deserves. Your parent’s focus should be on you, the victim and whilst I get this is difficult for them to come to terms with, how easy do they think it was for you dealing with the abuse and all the ramifications on your mental health and indeed your life forever more? I’ve been in your shoes, cut and run from them or at least only see them on your terms. Spend your energy and focus on healing yourself and making yourself feel good.

Thank you Chocness I would have to say I have gotten absolutely no support ever from them coming to terms with what my brother has done. In fact I would say I have felt gas lighted by them with their completely underwhelming response. My mother actually said to me that she saw how much this had damaged me when I first told them. When I asked them how then could they have never asked me about it again she started trying to completely rewrite history suggesting she had spoken with me about it. That simply never happened.

They put themselves front and centre as victims of the situation (and saw and probably still see DB as a victim too) and have acted accordingly. Even more recently they see themselves as front and centre victims of the further allegations. And you know to a certain extent they are. The thing is they are Mount Blanc victims and DSis and I Mount Everest. DMum certainly struggles with this.

In that case you need to decide if you and your mental health can live with their denial of the situation or if you need to remove yourself from it for your own sanity. I chose the latter and I can honestly say I am so the better of for it. Of course there are times when I wish I had a close relationship with my parents but then I remember the cost to me of doing so. It’s simply not worth it. What do you think is stopping you from distancing yourself from them?

I also wanted to add how is your DSIS dealing with this situation? Are you close and able to both go NC with them and your arseh@ole of a brother?

Chocness DSis is very different to me and she will always continue to have a relationship with my DP no matter what I believe.

Her experience of the situation has been very different to mine to date because now the rest of our siblings know and are fully support of DSis (and me) and have been shocked to find out with DP have done to me.

I will never speak to DB again neither will DSis.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation Chocness it is so utterly awful.

Hi yellow.

I have just read through your thread and wanted to respond that i (to a degree) understand how you are feeling. My situation is in no way as bad as yours, however my parents have chosen my sister (who has caused all the issues) over me and the hurt is unreal. I have a thread on here too.

The feelings of anger and sadness you have are completely understandable.

Id say that unless your parents open their eyes and accept the horror that your brother has caused and subsequently call him out on it (and do the right thing by encouraging him to plead guilty) you're always going to feel angry and bitter towards them - and rightly so.

But then i totally understand the turmoil of going NC with previously loving parents. If i could link my thread i would - im in a similar battle over this.

Im so sorry you are going through this and am glad you have the support of your siblings xx

Lilaquish I’ve found your thread. I’ll have a read. Thx for your message.

OP does you brother abroad have children himself?
If so,are they at risk ?
The behaviour of your parents is .
Stay strong

That adds a tricky dimension Yellow which I also know from experience. My dsis also has a relationship with my parents and it has driven a wedge between us both. I think that wedge will go once they have both passed away but but for the more moment she cannot distance herself from them despite them being so unhealthy for her. It’s sad and like watching an awful car crash to be honest. I do think that in these situations you have to do what is right for your own sanity. That can be hard I know but I don’t see any other options if no parties are willing to accept the reality of what happened and keep playing the elephant in the room game. I couldn’t play that game and if you don’t want to you don’t have to either. We all have a choice.
Thankyou for your 💐, here’s some for you too 💐.

Sorry I should also add that my distancing came later in life (when I had children) and that it has taken a long time for me to get to that point. It’s not an easy decision. If it wasn’t for the absolute need to protect my children from the behaviour of my family then I don’t know if I would ever had made the break. Maybe I would I don’t know. I just had this urge when I had my first child to protect them from my dysfunctional family. It may be that you are building towards NC but don’t yet have the final urge to do it. You will do what is right for you when the time is right for you.

Do you have support from friends and other family yellow?

Also, thank you for your kind words on my thread. X

Eloise yes my brother has children, only one of whom lives with him but yes I would say that child is at risk. He unfortunately lives in a country where child protection is virtually unheard of. My parents behaviour has been absolutely shocking no question.

Lil I was thinking about your thread last night after. As I said upthread it took a long time to dawn in me that my parents behaviour was never to support my brother, although he ultimately benefited hugely by them shutting me up, it was entirely selfishly motivated. The wanted chicken o protect their veneer of respectability and they valued that way over me. I suspect if you look deep enough your parents may well be the same.

Chocness the situation with my DSis is v complicated. I don’t see us falling out over my parents. she has been extremely damaged by what was done to her and that means I can make allowances for her. Ultimately I would like to bring my parents along with me, if I can, but I’m extremely worried about the huge amount of energy that is likely to take and the likelihood of confrontations along the way and them frankly being a huge disappointment again.

Sorry Lil I have no idea where the chicken came from