Historic CSA and parents <trigger warning>

[Yellowshadeofgreen]

This is very identifying so I will NC after but here goes.

I told my parents 10 years ago I was abused by my brother as a small child, he is significantly older. At the time I was so relieved that they believed me that I went along with their subsequent wishes that essentially I tell no one else and that I continue having contact with DB. They were admittedly devastated and said they were victims of this too and couldn’t imagine dealing with the fall out. True they were good parents and did not deserve for this to happen.

For 10 years it was more or less swept aside until for a variety of reasons it came back up, a second victim came forward and the whole thing blew up.

All of the emotions came out from me at this point. My parents utter betrayal, my disgust at DB from whom I am now and for evermore estranged from. I actually nearly lost it completely, really had a difficult mh time. Cut off my parents completely for a couple of months. However subsequently I confronted and had it out with my parents and they apologised. So now we are in contact again.

However I am still having mixed feelings about what to do going forward with my relationship with my parents. They want to continue their relationship with my brother as before. However I am not sure how I am going to handle that. This is a police matter now but DB lives out of the country (prosecution will be unlikely from abroad) so my parents would be visiting him abroad.

My parents will never have it out with DB, they have not since brought it up with me, so in essence they will come not bye to sweep it under the carpet. They never once mentioned to DB, until it blew wide open, that they knew what he had done to me which I took as a huge betrayal. To me their visiting and pretending everything is rosey in the garden is tantamount to condoning him, his life and what he has done.

Things are okay at the moment between us but I want to head this off at the pass before it becomes an issue.

There is loads more to this so I may end up drip feeding to beat the band here but my biggest concern is that I am landlord nOg myself for another huge fall out with DP. What should I be doing or thinking here. I would love some outside perspectives.

Absolutely yellow.

One of the reasons given for supporting my sister staying with her husband was because they didnt want to end up 'landed with her and a baby'

When her previous reltionship crumbled she relied heavily on my parents and they didnt want that again (plus the extra baggage of a baby)

Its really sad and upsetting that parents would chose this route!

Thats really sad about your brothers child. I hope they are safe. Must be awful worry for you xx

I can understand that Yellow, I also felt the need to protect my sister as I was always the stronger one and she was a lot more affected by stuff than me. In terms of your next steps, would it be an idea to give your parents one final chance to step up and support you? If they don’t then you have done all you can to save the relationship. Could you tell them what you need from them to help you heal from this? Then if they choose not to help you you know where their priorities lie even when they know it’s last chance saloon to try and sort this out. I would also Add that sometimes distancing yourself from people temporarily can be healthy. They get to realise their mistakes/that further effort is required whilst your wounds get to heal rather than being prodded all the time by their denial.

Chocness honestly I am not sure I have the energy or patience for raising it with them at the moment. In fairness they are not denying the abuse and they have apologised for their role in silencing me.

I thought I was alright with that but it is more than a month since and then nothing more is spoken about it. I have gone back to being the dutiful daughter calling in for visits and they are very welcoming but not a word ever gets mentioned and I am just feeling like I have no where to tie up the loose end emotions.

I don’t want to be dragging everything up again but I feel so flat, and flat turns to disappointment and that is turning to anger at the whole thing being swept back under the carpet. I am just so disillusioned and frankly exhausted from trying to sort it all out. It is too much, I work full time, I have 3 kids, I am trying to keep it all going and I am just not willing to take this on as another burden on me.

I am so sorry for you. Your parents' behaviour is toxic. I really would encourage you to seek counselling from a specialist organisation. If you want to pm me I will find something local to you. I think a really good step would be to just stop being dutiful daughter. Only see them if you want to and if you don't want to contact them, just don't. You owe them absolutely nothing. They show literally no care for you at all. Don't make excuses - just start to listen to yourself and follow your own wishes. Is your brother's partner aware that he poses a threat to their children?

Is your brother's partner aware that he poses a threat to their children?

I expect not kitty

I think I will speak to a specialist counselling service kitty that is actually a really good point. There is a specialist service I know of but I been doing some sessions with an excellent lady when I was in crisis but while she was excellent for that she is not the right fit for me going forward. The specialist service is probably a much better fit for where I am now. Thanks for your post.

Wow you sound amazing yellow with a lot on your plate as well as this. I deffo second the necessity for some further counselling support. I found an excellent psychodynamic counsellor via www.bacp.co.uk. She definitely helped me to deal with some v complex emotions and deep wounds from my childhood. I’d be lying if I said they had completely healed. IMHO I don’t think people ever fully heal from CSA but it did help me process a lot of anger which I don’t think is a healthy emotion to carry around with you all the time. Do you have a supportive partner? If so do they have a view on what could help?

Thanks Choc for your kind words. I am actually in ROI which of course would have been useful information earlier but I really appreciate the suggestions.

IMHO I don’t think people ever fully heal from CSA

I agree but now some of my anger after the CSA has ended up on my parents too which is just a frustration. Honestly it is so ironic but the last few months have all been about my parents betrayal and the CSA has taken a back seat which doesn’t really make sense.

I totally agree about the anger too choc when my parents apologised I felt much lighter after because I could try to move on from the anger. I really enjoyed that period of time but I am struggling now to tie it all up again.

Do you have a supportive partner? If so do they have a view on what could help?

I do, he has been amazing but he is drained from it all too. My other DBs have been great too. Everyone has moved on though and I am stuck here alone with it cycling and recycling. That is why I am so grateful for everyone who has taken the time to post on this thread. Friends can’t really talk about it even though I have made it no secret anymore, or is just something they are really understandably uncomfortable with.

Thanks again.

I’m the same in terms of anger towards my parents. It’s entirely understandable as their job was to protect you. They failed at that and when you gave them a chance to make amends they failed at that too. I think it is also easier to be angry at our parents over the perpetrator as I think deep down (me anyway and common with those who have experienced csa) that we blame ourselves for what happened. I’ve a read a bit of child psychology on this as it didn’t make sense when my counsellor mentioned it but as children we are so focussed on ourselves that if something bad happens to us we think it’s because it’s something we did. Aside from the actual violation of the csa we also have to contend with carrying guilt about it which of course is magnified by the fact it’s not an easy thing to talk about.
I’m glad you have a supportive partner. For both of your sakes it sounds like some professional counselling for you and some space from your parents would be a positive step.

Choc weirdly, in my case I always blamed my DB. I can honestly say I felt no guilt about what he had done only massive guilt for the pain it would bring my parents finding out about it. That made me all sorts of crazy for years and was why I hid the abuse from them. That and the fear of being disbelieved. And the shame, that awful shame. It’s fucking mortifying being an abuse victim.

I’ve actually never massively liked DB because 1) he was actually a pretty unpleasant person outside of the abuse and 2) I was always pretty clear on his absolute culpability.

I was actually a pretty shit hot 9 year old. I can honestly say I was clearer on the rights and wrongs of the situation at 9 than when my parents were done with me after I told them first (the fuckers, that’s why I was so angry with them). I also handled it more maturely as a 9 year old than my parents did as 60 year olds which is a pretty awful
Indictment.

I was always worried that if I spoke up it would result in my parents splitting up. Cue tonnes of shame and guilt. It is fucking mortifying being an abuse victim. It leaves an indelible scar that stays with the person forever.

Awwww Jesus Choc that is absolutely awful

It’s just shit.

It is some days but after years of counselling and going NC I’m in a much better place than my parents or the perpetrator will ever be. I’d rather be me having gone through all that shit than them, living in denial and covering up reality. That’s no way to live a good life.

I’d rather be me having gone through all that shit than them, living in denial and covering up reality

Very well said.

I have just set up a counselling appointment with a specialist service. It is right beside my work which should mean that I can incorporate it into my work day which means it might not eat into my family life as much as the other counselling was (I had to travel to get to it.) I had no idea that the town I work I had this service and I wouldn’t have looked without the suggestions given above.

Thank you everyone so much for your help. I really appreciate it I am feeling more positive.

Ah that's fantastic @Yellowshadeofgreen

That’s great yellow, a real step forward. All the very best 💐