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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it normal?

29 replies

catladee · 04/02/2018 11:35

My partner reckons that shouting at each other (it's mostly one sided) is normal in a relationship. Apparently every single relationship he has been in, that is how it works.
I am really thinking of leaving, we have argued a lot lately and I don't like the person he has shown himself to be.
He just doesn't understand that shouting at me upsets me, and I can't "just get over it"
I want to leave but I'm finding it hard.
I daydream of living on my own with no-one shouting and swearing at me, or telling me what to do/not to do all the time.
I just want peace, and not to be waiting for the next argument all the time :(

OP posts:

AudTheDeepMinded · 04/02/2018 11:42

No, it is not normal, but perhaps that's how relationships were modelled to him when he was growing up. My husband and I have the occasional niggle, we get grumpy and very very rarely we have had full on screaming matches (very much pre children and in the early days!) but day to day we resolve things by talking them through.
Do you have DC? this is not healthy for them to witness. The real issue is that he accepts it, disregards your feelings and sees no reason to change things. If you are not important enough to him for him to change his ways then, yes, you need to leave.

Sparrowlegs248 · 04/02/2018 11:51

No not normal. Arguments are normal, some couples shout at each other and that's normal for them. But if he's shouting and swearing at you, and controlling what you do, and you want to leave, then no. Not normal. Myou husband is the same. It's very hard to leave, especially as men like this don't seem to take their partners seriously . We have seperated though. It's lovely, just lovely, to have some peace .

jedenfalls · 04/02/2018 11:53

You can leave for any reason you like.

This is not a court of law where you have to justify why you don’t want to be with him. If the relationship is making you unhappy, get out.

LexieLulu · 04/02/2018 12:02

Nope. In 9 years+ my DH has never raised his voice at me!

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 12:06

Not normal. It might be commonplace in some relationships but not in mine.

mindutopia · 04/02/2018 12:07

Bickering and bitching at each other occasionally is normal, yes. Shouting and swearing regularly, no, is not normal. I have certainly shouted and sweared at my dh, but I could probably count those arguments when I did on less than two hands (we’ve been together 10 years). I honestly don’t think he’s really ever shouted or sweared back though (I just tend to be more hot tempered). If it’s happening regularly enough that you’re thinking you want to leave, I think you know the answer already.

MegF49 · 04/02/2018 12:09

Arguments and disagreements are normal in a relationship (now and again) but dealing with it appropriately is key. This doesn't involve shouting and screaming and making you upset. I understand heated arguments can happen sometimes, but this sounds very one sided and sounds like emotional abuse.
You sound like you would be much happier and content being alone but you're just scared to cut the cord. Could you maybe suggest a break? He may realise his way of handing things aren't great and cannot continue. If you believe he won't ever change, then I believe you're better ending this relationship and finding someone more respectful of your feelings.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 04/02/2018 12:09

I left my ex as he was like this and it's a horrible way to live. If all his relationships have been like this perhaps he is the common denomiter.

Original poster

catladee · 04/02/2018 12:09

He has a child, who was here last time we argued. He said "sorry" to DC, who just replied "it's OK". No, it's cannot be good for the child in the short term, and they will grow up with a twisted view of relationships.
He said his father was nasty to his mother, and says she was also quite volatile towards himself. He claims to have changed though, to have "broken the cycle".

OP posts:

LuxuryWoman2017 · 04/02/2018 12:11

Well, clearly he hasn't changed.

Original poster

catladee · 04/02/2018 12:17

I have thought of suggesting a break, but I'm frightened he will snap into one of these moods again and stop me from collecting my belongings and I don't want to end up losing my two cats :(

OP posts:

Cambionome · 04/02/2018 12:25

If it's that bad that you are frightened of his reaction, then it's definitely time to go.

Maybe get the cats out first (to a relative?) and then talk to him.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 12:25

Sorry, what ?

You stay with him in case he keeps your two cats ? And you asked if you were in a normal relationship ?

LuxuryWoman2017 · 04/02/2018 12:26

Can you move your stuff while he is at work?
Look, you say you are 'frightened' of him getting into one of these moods. I do know it is hard, I can promise you that, I've been there. However, isn't the idea of years more to come of these 'mantrums' much more frightening? It was the thought of years more misery that made me leap and I can tell you I am so much happier now. It really doesn't have to be this way

Gide · 04/02/2018 12:27

Can you take a day off without him knowing, grab a mate, get your stuff and get out? Don’t stay in an abusive relationship. It is NOT normal to be shouted at like this.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/02/2018 12:28

Not normal. Just plan in advance. Find accommodation first. Then go while he’s at work

Gwenhwyfar · 04/02/2018 12:30

We shout in my family so I probably see that as normal. Doesn't mean we love each other any less than quieter people. I don't think it's good to repress things either.

LucyMorningStar · 04/02/2018 12:31

Catladee, I know exactly where you coming from. My husband also doesn't think it's wrong to shout at swear at me. Apparently it's normal adult behaviour. I have grown a thicker skin over the years and can take it now but I hate my child witnessing this. I don't want her to grow up thinking it's acceptable that someone who supposedly loves you can call you a fat stupid bitch or an ugly bitch or such like.

I guess it's just different personalities. I never, even when most angry, have an urge to throw vile words at another human, especially one I care about. Similarly, screaming is totally unnecessary in any situation in my opinion. But hey ho, I can't tell another adult what to do.

AdalindSchade · 04/02/2018 12:32

Of course all his relationships have been like this since he is the one who shouts. Not normal and not something you have to accept.

Solasshole · 04/02/2018 12:33

No. My partner and I don't shout at each other, if one of us is upset we talk it through calmly and try to explain to the other why we're upset and so on.

ALLIS0N · 04/02/2018 13:23

So you don’t feel able to leave in case he harms your cats. So how would it be if you had a child wth him ?

Original poster

catladee · 04/02/2018 13:28

I don't believe he would harm the cats, I just think he would block me from taking them with me, and I would hate that. They're inseparable, and they're both really attached to me.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 13:38

There are ways around the cats. Stay for their sake if you wish but that would very foolish.

PitilessYank · 04/02/2018 15:21

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and we have shouted at each other maybe twice. I don't know if it is always unhealthy to shout, but it would be for us.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 15:23

He's just trying to justify his shit behaviour, it's who he is, he's told uou he did it in all his other relationships. Unless he has learning difficulties he will know it's not normal, it's just what he does, it's who he is.

His other relationships didn't last. I'd think about that.

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