When does being considerate of the other person become walking on eggshells?

[Rutabega]

Because a comment made this weekend has made me question it.

My partner has long term physical issues which cause daily pain. Some days are good, some not. I've never suffered any kind of serious pain so I don't know first-hand how it feels. But I am aware of It, and if I see any signs of discomfort I will do what I can to alleviate It, certainly I don't ignore it.

Partner also has a considerable mental load, possibly/ probably depression. Has serious insomnia, sometimes going for days without sleeping or sleeping but having horrific nightmares. Just at a low ebb most of the time. Doesn't seem interested on me sexually but I'm not pushing that with everything else that's going on, as I don't think partner needs any pressure. We are best friends, and I always feel partner has my back. Previously before partners current problems were as bad, everything in our relationship was great.

Anyway, on Fri we went to the local pub for a few drinks with some of my friends. Partner had agreed this in advance but I don't think wanted to be there. I haven't seen some of the people there for ages, hence they wanted to talk to me, but I was conscious this left partner out, so made an effort to turn the conversation to something partner could join in with. Which worked ok. Later on, lots of people were quite drunk (we are not big drinkers and I was driving) offering drinks; being a bit loud and rowdy, emcouraging partber to have a few drinks and loosen up etc, a bit irritating maybe but it was all good natured. Partner pulled a face and said 'I'm going home didn't expect me to leave, but we were 3 miles from home so I wasn't going to say walk! So we ended up leaving a bit abruptly.

This morning when dog walking I bumped into one of the (more sober) friends who was there. Chatting about the night and she said did I often have to keep the peace with Partner/ keep partner happy? I said that I just try to be considerate, as I know partner would be of me. But the fact she mentioned it is making me wonder is this right? am I doing something wrong?

I don't feel I walk on eggshells to pacify partner. But I do try to help on situations when I know they're not happy. Now I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do.

Anyone? Or am I just worrying about nothing?

It’s hard to say without seeing it or knowing if this was a one-off, but I’d say that his abrupt departure would lead me to say he was being a touch demanding. Even if he didn’t tell you to leave, he would have known that you’d have had to go too. Being sober around drunk people is never the greatest fun but I’d have expected my partner to have chatted to me or the more sober people rather than just announce he was leaving. He sounds a bit selfish but could have been having an off day if that’s not his normal behaviour.

Yes, I would agree with the PP. Is this a pattern or a one off? It can be very selfish to expect your partner to only focus on you when you are meeting a group of friends and the mini strop at the end shows this.

Does your partner often behave like this? Could you not have gone on your own to the meet up? How would your partner have reacted then?

I think from what I read there you were just being considerate to your partners needs. Unless there was some sort of non verbal communication that when your partner said that they wanted to go they made out clear that they meant for you both to go?

Is it possible that is what your mates picked up on?

I didn't have to leave with him, we live separately, but I felt I couldn't let him walk on his own. He didn't say I had to come but I felt he would be unhappy if I didn't go with him.

I don't know that he expected me to focus on him but he didn't seem to join in somehow. I don't know if that's the fault of my friends for not engaging him in conversation or my fault for not ensuring he was part of things.

I guess when we are in a relationship we all modify our behaviour to a certain extent and it takes a while to rub off the odd sharp corners. However, you shouldn't feel like you are walking on eggshells. I have quite a lot of pain every day and it would be easy to become a bit self absorbed but it doesn't give me carte blanche to treat my friends, for example, any differently, ie without thought or respect.

You sound kind and wanting to do what's best for your DP which is fine, but don't forget that doing what's best for you too is also important.

If your DP didn't want to go to the pub he should have said and told you to go without him and have a good time, instead of being a martyr and then curtailing your enjoyment. A different solution may have been to call your DP a cab so he could leave, with you remaining to spend time with your friends. Do you think that would have worked?

Sometimes walking on eggshells isn't a result of abuse but as result of a misplaced sense of responsibility. Your partner is an adult, there's being considerate and then there's being parental. When being 'considerate' of someone else results in you both being dissatisfied then what's the point.

You are allowed to see your mates without worrying about wether your partner feels included. The example you've given is a prime example of you both trying to please the other but in the end, both failing to please the other and yourselves.

Your friends wanted to see you, not your partner and as 'good natured' as you think their behaviour was, I think it must have been very different to have on the receiving end of being told to loosen up and to drink, particularly if his health issues stopped than from happening. I think he was right to leave but I think you should have stayed.

Eggshells is broadly where the relationship is unbalanced so that it is primarily concerned re one person’s feelings and the other’s are ignored.

I have MS and I’d hate it and find it patronising if my partner felt I shouldn’t be left to get myself home and ended their night out to accompany me when I wanted to leave.

If he is coming on a night out then sitting there miserably waiting for you to include him then making a point of announcing he is leaving and planning to be annoyed at you for not coming with him then yes that is eggshells IMO.

It doesnt sound like a very happy relationship. I think you need to ask yourself if you are doing these things off your own back (however well intentioned or misplaced) , or if he's making you.

So, if youd have said "I'm having a great time, can you get a taxi back?" would you have 'paid for it later' or would he have gone off quite happily?

You don't have to live the life he wishes to, just because he has an illness/physical issues to contend with. Where is his consideration of you?

There's something patronising about being 'included'. It's rarely as selfless as people make it out to be. If 'including' him was about you feeling less guilty for enjoying yourself, why is that? Why does enjoying yourself needs to be balanced with him enjoying himself?

Being considerate doesn't mean subjugating yourself and if it does, then there's a problem.

He wouldn't have waited for a taxi, he would have walked, or possibly got a bus (if there was one coming) part of the way.

However I don't think he would have been happy about It, which I get, as I was the driver for the night.

Lemon, he would say his consideration of me is coming out for an evening with my friends, doing stuff I want to do.

As for including him, that's just what I would do. I wouldn't leave anyone on their own with no one to talk to, wouldn't do it to a friend or colleagues so certainly not to someone I love! It's horrible feeling on the periphery, I know because I've been there.

I didn't think I was exactly subjugating myself, but the fact my friend (who is not usually observant at all) made a comment go me today has made me think. I have been told in past relationships I am selfish so I do try to not make everything about me, but isn't it human nature to think of yourself? Like if he says to me what shall we have for dinner I'll suggest stuff I like. That's normal right?

Why do you ‘get’ that?

You being the driver for the night means you were doing him a favour and if he wants to leave earlier than you he gets himself home....

It’s cheeky as fuck for him to be annoyed at you not being at his beck and call as well as kindly offering to drive him.

It’s not considerate to come out on a night out with your friends and then make it difficult by being moody and leaving early (expecting you to come with him).

If he doesn’t want to come he should just stay at home.

I think you’ve got into a parent/child dynamic here.

The person who is being cooked for eats what they are given or makes their own, the person being driven leaves with the driver or makes their own way home.

In hindsight maybe I should have let him drive. But then he can't have a drink.
I get he perhaps doesn't find my friends and their partners great company. But he doesn't really have friends round here so it's not like there's an alternative.

But there is.

You could choose not to invite him because it isn’t really your problem to provide him with a social life and they are your friends.

You invite him out and he either says yes or no.

If he says yes make arrangements re getting there/getting home and you let him leave if he isn’t having a good time. If he is miserable and wrecks it or sulks off expecting you to leave as well you have words about how unacceptable that is and you don’t invite him again.

If he says no then don’t put up with any crap about him not having a social life.

You are his partner not his carer.

If he’s upset and lonely then you can encourage him to develop his own social life but it is ridiculous and disempowering to be providing him with social activities as you seem to be thinking you need to do.

You are not treating him as an equal.

Given the context of your OP I would seriously look at whether that is because he is causing you to walk on eggshells with demands.

What is your partner doing to address/manage the pain and depression?

He sounds like a dick. If I wasn't feeling well but saw my partner enjoying himself and I had a way of getting home, I'd insist he stay and I would get a taxi home. If I didn't, then unless I was really ill I'd just wait.

It's all about him, isn't it?

I don't know if you are walking on eggshells exactly, but you are certainly tiptoeing carefully around him!

I have this image of him sitting there with a face like a smacked arse, while you sit nervously on the edge of your chair desperately trying to include him in conversations that he is determined not to enjoy...

Not a very healthy dynamic, op.

He is behaving like an arse. I’d have left him at home and gone to see my friends without him.

It was friends and husbands/ partners sp a mixed group. We generally socialise together so it wouldn't occur to me not to invite him. I ask him if he wants to come, he's a grown man so he's not obliged to accompany me. He chooses to. But the last few times we've been in a group, not just with this set of friends but others too he hasn't seemed to enjoy it, hasn't had anyone to talk to and has been bored.

His physical pain, he's had all available treatments. He takes regular medication, but is still very uncomfortable most of the time. The non physical, he did see a therapist for a short while but they wanted him to talk about issues he was uncomfortable with discussing, so that didn't really go anywhere.

I am careful around him. But he's not well. I know I'm selfish, I try not to be.