What would be a fair division of labour in this circumstance?

[Fitbitironic]

I know it's been done to death before, so I'm just asking about this particular situation, if you think it's a fair divide and if not, how it could/should be rearranged. TIA.

Parent A: sahp, has well paid (but very time intensive) contract work three months of the year. Sahp rest of time. Does everything (house/garden/kids/pet/organisation etc) bar those mentioned below. (Worth noting that when parent B is 'in charge' for those 3 months the very minimum is done (eg no cleaning of bathrooms, little laundry) by B.

Parent B: WOH from 6am-6pm due to commute time. Comes home to evening meal ready. Reads bedtime story to one DC. Picks up takeaway one night a week, cooks sat/sun if not eating out or having takeout. Does the dishwasher each night (a recent thing) but doesn't clean up kitchen. Mows lawn maybe ten times a year max, doesn't do edges or sweep up all clippings. Puts kitchen bins out and big bins to kerb. A returns them. Will do some things if specifically asked (eg book car service), but rarely without being prompted a few times, unless it's for their own motorbike, which A can't ride :). Will get clothes for DC on a weekend if not done by A already. Sometimes picks up a few groceries on the way home from his weekend (me time) hobby.

I didn't list everything A does. You know how it goes. Mental load, plus all not mentioned in section B. Even to the extent of clearing away empty shopping bags left lying around by B/DC.

Fair/needs changing?

Are the kids at school all day, or is A looking after young children during the day?

It needs to be addressed because you aren't happy. It's not working. You guys need a new plan.

Personally I don't understand why you don't prepare meals for the freezer before you work for 3 months and get a cleaner in every two weeks so the house doesn't grow legs.

I think we can tell the man is B and in my experience men do tend to need to be asked to do jobs , whereas a woman will just do them . Not in all cases but in Most.
Men seem to not notice or not want to notice that they are going upstairs , there's a washing basket that needs to go upstairs but they walk past it !

I think if he's out of the house for 12 hours it's a bit mean to ask him to do stuff on top but I know it works both ways .
Days off could be spent spending a couple of hours with him helping to catch up on jobs . But then I feel we spend more time delegating jobs we might aswell just do them ourselves .

It's a hard one because working long hours out of the house isn't exactly fun either so when you get home the last thing you want to do is housework . Could you afford someone to help ? Gardener ? Cleaner ? Outsource ironing ? Take some pressure off .

How many children? How old? How biddable?

So three months a year, parent B has to work 12 hours a day and be responsible for childcare and housework?

Sounds like parent B should also take 9 months off per year.

I have a feeling though that parent A would be unhappy at the decreased income and would resent the now equal financial contributions.

To answer a few q, DC are both at school this year, leaving A the time between 9.30 and 2.30 to do stuff, which is fine, no argument with that. DC aren't old enough to be that useful around the house .

The freezer is tiny, only holds ongoing freezer food for two weeks max. Cleaner/gardener seems a bit decadent with one sahp.

No, for three months of the year B does NOT work a 12 hour day then do all childcare and housework. A still does everything previously mentioned, fitting it in around WAH. B will cook dinner if home early from work, sometimes a bit of laundry and food shopping at the weekend (A works 7 days a week during this time). As previously stated, B does not clean, this is fitted in by A.

Yes, it may be obvious A is the woman and B the man.

bad you are effectively saying that A should do everything if B works out of the home? How does this work out when A is also working (3 months, longer hours)? Or when B is working away, on shorter hours, but with completely free evenings and weekends to themselves, which has been the case for about 9 months in each year in recent years?

A sounds like they need to step up to the plate & do more

B needs to step up more and share the load during the 3 months that A works. Now that kids are in school A should do the bulk of stuff the rest of the time. Sounds like B comes in from work and does bedtime stories etc and does cooking on his days off. Sounds reasonable to me.

TheNaze how so? Don't start on about getting a job while DC are at school - it doesn't work around B being away so much.
And did you miss the fact that while A works longer hours than B for three months, they are still responsible for childcare/home etc, apart from a few groceries bought and meals cooked by B? And A doesn't get any time while not responsible for DC or working, whereas B gets free evenings and weekends while away (a lot of the time)?
You're a man, aren't you?

I agree with stitchgliched.

It’s obvious.

We have two situations:

When B works full time A does full time SAHP.

When A and B both work they both share domestic chores.

So B needs to step up during the 3 months.

There is also basic courtesy of not leaving crap out for other to pick up.

If A = man and B = woman I’ll eat my hamster.

It appears that your complaint is that for three months of the year that your H isn’t doing enough and for three months of the year you’re doing too much. Then how about better planning during those three months.

Get a bigger freezer and both learn to batch cook, get a cleaner for three months of the year, if he’s ‘free’ for many evenings due to him working away, then allocate jobs that don’t need his physical presence in the home.

There is a compromise here but it’s dependent on you both wanting it to work as opposed to being the one whose ‘right’.

I learned a long time ago that my DH just isn't going to agree with me on housework. Working extremely long hours jan-march I got the cleaner in every two weeks and I got a chest freezer so I have meals saved. Groceries are delivered from an online shop and I have dedicated many hours to training my DC. If they are going to school there are things they can do. Mine are 6, 4 & 2. The older two fold towels, face cloths, pillowcases, small clothing items, set and clear the dinner table, empty their lunch boxes, put dirty clothes in the right pile and make their bed in the morning. The youngest follows trying her best (''tis very cute when she tries to make her bed).

I'd split admin type jobs as well so one sorts out bills and the other does holiday planning. Kids homework to be divided up, I usually do maths and DH does literacy. One of you can do laundry sorting and putting in washing machine while other person responsible for folding and sorting. If one person cooks, the other cleans kitchen. Get a cleaner fortnightly then up to weekly when it's the full-on 3 months for person A

I wouldn't exactly call you a 'SAHP' if your kids are both school aged. You're a housewife for 9 months of the year, you should be doing 90% of the housework during that time. Your DH is doing his fair share by working 60 hours a week.

However, for the three months you're working, the household stuff should be split 50/50.

Cleaner/gardener seems a bit decadent with one sahp.

it's better than fighting about it. You shoot down every idea that offered. Stop being the martyr and figure out what YOU need to change to be happy with your life. If that's a cleaner every other week and you can offered it, then for goodness sake, hire one. If it's a freezer, buy a freezer. But being angry with your spouse is not going to fix this.

Why not at least consider suggestions given, is that not why you came on here?

I’ve learned from our own experiences over the last two years it’s not about being right or being proud/stubborn.

We have no children. I work from home, around 60+ hours at the minute, husband also works out of home 60+ hours inc travelling.
After many arguments (from me!) of ‘we can do it all’ ‘I can clean/cook/be superwoman’ we finally got a gardener in, and a cleaner for 3 hours every week (she’s my angel!) and mum help with some other bits.
It is absolutely perfect. My stress levels are lowered so much knowing I don’t have to shoulder so much work. My husband feels the same knowing his one day off isn’t to be spent gardening/lawn mowing/cleaning.
I use the slow cooker loads and live out of the freezer (healthy food!)

You both put hours in, get help to take hours out.

It sounds pretty fair to me.
Maybe parent b should do more during the 3 months the other is working but if I was hoping.e all day (even if you are responsible for school runs etc) I wouldn't expect someone who had been out of the house for 12 hours to clean or do much else when they got in.

I would not get hung up on what he’s not doing or set jobs, the way to look at things is on how much downtime both have. This should be equal.

I’m the SAHP in our house and I had far more down time than my dh so did everything except put dc to bed which he did to get quality time with her during the week. My dh works long irregular hours and was often away and with no notice. I also cared for his dad.

I’d do shopping online and have it delivered. I’d batch cook one pot meals into foil containers so it took no longer to do 3 meals than one and took up little freezer space.

I had someone come to do the garden every other week during growing season. £15 for that was a great investment!

Then dh’s time at home was family and leisure time where he actually got time with DC and down time for him. He’d always take 20 mins to himself upstairs after getting home to de stress and wind down before coming downstairs.

He’d usually call me on the way home and if he could hear I was having a shit day he’d be great for me to rant at and suggest going out or takeaway and push me towards the bath (which is my hobby!) or do things I asked without complaint knowing I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t struggling. He’d then do household stuff at the weekend to catchup and make the following week easier but I knew he had my back and supported me which was more important than him actually doing things if that makes sense. Likewise I’d tell him he should stay upstairs and get a snooze or shower if I can his day has been intense and not get shitty if he fell asleep because it wasn’t disrectful or to get out of doing anything.

If he was on less hours, his jobs would be the ones that weren’t needing to be done daily and didn’t matter if they weren’t as regular and visitors wouldn’t be effected. Eg upstairs bathroom, upstairs dusting etc.

My issue then came when I wanted to go back to work and dh didn’t immediately step up to make things equal because it was quite a shift for him to realise what exactly half involved and how little time we’d both have but that’s a whole other story!

I think it seems fine for 9 months of the year. I'm normally all about the men doing their fair share inc mental load but to be honest if either parent is free 5 hours a day and the other is working 60 hours it seems petty to make them do half the chores for the sake of 'fairness'.
5 hours really should be enough time to take care of the house stuff and be able to have a relaxing hour here and here for coffee etc.

The issue is the 3 months: while I see that it's unfair for A to continue to do the normal amount on top of their work I don't know if it's as simple as B just doing more. Surely B is still working 60 hours and doing the cooking at the weekend as mentioned. If you're both working a lot during that time it makes sense that things adjust so that minimum housework is done to just 'get by'

B could maybe do a touch more but my advice would be to be kind to yourselves. Accept that those 12 weeks are going to be tough and agree between you what the minimum you're happy with is. A cleaner or a gardener aren't a terrible idea for those few months especially if it enables more time with kids.

I think that you should look at how much free time you both get and if there's an inequality then sit down and discuss and come up with a plan.

Now that the kids are at school, could you work for more than 3 months and afford a regular cleaner?

I think that you should look at how much free time you both get

but the OP wants to count time that her DH has in the evenings and weekends when he is away for work as his "free time" and it just doesn't work that way. He obviously can't spend that time helping with childcare and household chores. He also can't pursue hobbies or go out with a friend. He's just in limbo.

She also said this: "when B is working away, on shorter hours, but with completely free evenings and weekends to themselves, which has been the case for about 9 months in each year in recent years."

So traveling 9 months out of the year, including some weekends. All that stuff listed in the first post falls to the wife while he is away.

There isn't a way to make it fair. It will never, ever be fair. So hire a cleaner and a gardener. When he is away for extended periods of time, see if you can also hire a near by teenager to come over and play with the children at a set time just to give yourself a break. But with a DH who alternates between working 60 hours a week and traveling, it will never, ever be fair.

Why not at least consider suggestions given, is that not why you came on here?
I am considering suggestions, what I have found though is that where we are, no one wants to only do the few months of the year only (cleaner/gardener) and to have them in the full year round would be decadent because it would mean tightening budgets elsewhere.
As previously mentioned, I have no issues whatsoever with going the bulk of the work while being a sahp. (yes, I'm A) it's more that 90% of everything though.
As for the time I'm working (contract cannot extend to more than the three months), I work considerably more hours than dh when he is at work (up to 10. 30pm, all day apart from those things concerning DC), so I don't see 50/50 share of housework etc fair, esp as he's sat on the computer from after dinner onwards and things just aren't getting done.
Of course I don't expect him to do home stuff in his free time away, but it seems that this should be taken into account and some time made free for me when he's back, which doesn't really happen. I think this is what a pp suggested, but I'm surprised none else considers this fair :(.

The larger freezer is a fair point, which has actually been discussed before. Don't much fancy cooking up three months of meals beforehand though :)