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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why didn't I listen?

31 replies

Lu223 · 03/02/2018 20:22

Hi..I don't know why I'm writing this but I just need to vent!

I posted on here before and got some great advice and now I'm sitting here thinking why didn't I listen? Why did I ask for it and not take it? And that I only have myself to blame for the position I'm in 😫

Back story is I've been with my partner nearly 6 years, after being together 2 years we discovered I was pregnant, we planned to buy a house with the help of our parents, partner then suddenly decides when I'm 5 months pregnant and deposit had been put down on a house and everything was going through to quit his job, no talking to me beforehand no decision but his own. Once our little one was born it was decided I would move into his parents house until we were on our feet, partner returned to work once our baby was 4 months old.

We started planning to move out again saving away and paying off the debt that had accumulated whilst he was unemployed, got on our feet put an offer in on a place, he got 'fired' (im not sure of this) we pulled out again! He got another job it lasted 6 months was unemployed for 4 months, got another was employed a year got made redundant, was unemployed 6 months got another job it's lasted 2 1/2 months and his been sacked. The point of this is that I've now been at his parents 3 1/2 years! Whilst he is unemployed he does not help at all, he becomes moody mean and rude to me, constantly questioning me and moaning!

I planned on leaving before when I last posted but bottled it, I left for 3 days earlier this year but when I had to hand little one over to him I couldn't and came back! I've put myself in the most stupid position his in charge of everything finically owns the car ect! I feel as if I'm wasting my life, will this get any better? The only problem in our relationship is that he can't hold down a job and his attitude and mood/unhelpful ness when he is unemployed, I applied to got back into training for better prospects for myself and I haven't done this because I need to be in full time employment...I should leave shouldn't I? I'm wasting my life living in his childhood bedroom that we still share with our child 😫

OP posts:
BadHatter · 03/02/2018 21:13

Yes, you need to take more responsibility for the outcome of your life.

If you want a home of your own, make that happen on your own.

Cambionome · 03/02/2018 21:17

He can't hold down a job. He is moody and unpleasant. He does things without consulting you.

I agree. I think you should leave. He is holding you back at best; at worst he is dragging you down with him.

SendintheArdwolves · 04/02/2018 07:42

You should leave.

Don't beat yourself up for not leaving sooner - that is just (weirdly) a way of delaying the moment of actually leaving.

He doesn't want to commit to you, op - he has persistently scuppered all your attempts to live a proper adult life together.

On some level, I expect that he is trying to make the situation so unappealing that you will leave so that he doesn't have to dump you. That you have hung in there so long, living in a demeaning and precarious situation, bankrolling him whilst living in his childhood bedroom under his mother's roof, has probably lowered his opinion of you.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you are worth far, far better than this - please stay on this thread so we can help you make plans to leave and support you while you carry them out Flowers

WTFIsThisVirus · 04/02/2018 07:47

The fact alone that he can't hold a job is quite worrying. It doesn't say a lot for your financial prospects as a family. So yes, I think you should leave him. Can you move in with your own parents? Have you got any friends or family who can help?

Original poster
Lu223 · 04/02/2018 08:01

Thank you for all your replies!
I could move in with my mum, the only problem being that she lives quite far and I'd have to leave the car behind, I wouldn't be able to get back and forward to my job which I am in walking distance to at the moment.

Another problem is we owe money which although all in his name I couldn't saddle him with? This is just money we have used to live on whilst his unemployed (credit cards) I'd need to think up some kind of payment system to him without leaving myself with nothing as I pay my own bills and child's nursery fees. Obviously he wouldn't be able to and probably wouldn't anyway help me financially.

I'm worried what this will do to our little one and I know things will get tough in respect to her, he will not take it laying down that I'll be taking her with me and will most likely take me to court and make life difficult! I'm all for them seeing each other, he does adore her and I'd never stand in the way of a relationship for them both but obviously I do want her with me most of the time!

I spent most of last night looking for a place online that will accept benefit help as I looked on entitled too website and I'd qualify for help with rent, that hasn't gone to well. Everything I've seen won't accept it! I'll keep looking though! Just getting a plan into action. I've wasted 6 years! His currently only been unemployed a short time since his last job and I do feel bad for thinking of doing this when his down but I just don't see life getting better for me and our little one 👍🏻

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 04/02/2018 08:04

I really would not put his debt repayment anywhere near the top of your list of priorities.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 04/02/2018 08:10

You could, and should, walk away leaving him with the debts that HE forced you both to run up due to HIS incompetence at holding down a job.

Don't waste more if your life and financial stability by trying to fix HIS problems.

Canwejustrelaxnow · 04/02/2018 08:19

I think you're trying to think and plan too much. Step one: leave. The rest, the detail, will fall into place naturally. It will all be ok if you leave. If your mum is willing then I would go there to start with. Then the break is made. You can then see what your life looks like and you will be able to make decisions earlier. Your dd is not yet in school which makes things easier in that respect. Just leave. You sound bright and intelligent and he's a waste of space. Stop worrying about the details. Good luck.

ALLIS0N · 04/02/2018 08:24

If the child is his then he should have been paying half the nursery fees.

And the debt he ran up while unemployed is HIS fault and His debt.

You owe him nothing. Make plans and get away .

I’ll guarantee that YOU will be 100% financially responsible for your child for the rest of their childhood. That should be your number one concern, not his debt which is in his name.

I note that the car which is in his name is somehow all his. But the debt that is in his name becomes morally yours .

Don’t discuss any of this with him . Don’t try to get him to agree that you can leave because he won’t.

You need action now now talk.

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/02/2018 08:26

I wouldn't worry about the debts - you are paying for your child's nursery fees, he's not. Count that as your part of the money you owe (he could be sharing that cost with you).

It sounds to me a bit as though he's still a 'mummy's boy' and likes living at home too much to want a place of his own, so he'll never do it. You want different things.

NoIdeaWhatToSay · 04/02/2018 08:32

Leave, he's dragging you down. He ran up debts because he wasn't working, you're working and paying for nursery for your child. Maybe tell him you're taking the car, if he wants help to pay off some of the debts? If you wanted a bargaining tool of course. But I'd be leaving, car or no car.

PearlyGatesMontenegro · 04/02/2018 08:34

he will not take it laying down that I'll be taking her with me and will most likely take me to court

I wouldn't worry about that, he'd need money to take you to court, which he obviously doesn't have.

Also wouldn't worry about the debt, it's in his name and is his fault anyway, as PP suggested. You've got enough to worry about with being financially responsible for yourself and your DD.

My DH was kind of similar a few years ago, but it wasn't that he 'couldn't hold down a job', it was that he would just get bored and quit, but he'd never quit without another job to go to and it was always for more money etc, so at least that was something I guess. He finally got it together when DS was born and especially when we bought our house.

Sorry but it sounds like your DP just doesn't care about you or your DD.

GreenTulips · 04/02/2018 08:39

I think you so need to leave as soon as possible

Your child will know you're unhappy and it will be having an effect

His debts aren't your problem

If you want to offer money, offer a small amount in return for the car being in your name.

He's not responsible enough to hold down a job and I doubt very much he'll bother dragging you through the courts - he'll find a toddler hard work and won't bother!

WitchIwasaWitch18 · 04/02/2018 08:42

Leave.
Go to your Mum.
Get small loan to buy cheap car. Maybe Mum can help out?Go to a dealer for this so if you are sold a dud you can get it sorted.

Do NOT
Worry about HIS debts
Worry about LO as she will be fine

Bananalanacake · 04/02/2018 08:45

His debts aren't your fault. He also needs to pay for his child.

RandomMess · 04/02/2018 08:57

Please just go, his debts his problem... when he isn't earning you won't get any maintenance so that will balance out over the years!!! He should have been paying towards nursery fees anyway.

Have you actually spoken to your Mum about this?

Please do not waste your life stuck in this continual cycle Thanks

Original poster
Lu223 · 04/02/2018 09:47

The child is his but I've always paid the nursery fees, his been to unreliable to leave it to him. I've also paid for the car but stupidly it's in his name and I'd transfer the money into his account for it to come out, I'm laughing at myself for being so stupid! My parents will help me any way then can they've wanted me to leave him for a while, I will never put myself in this position again that's for sure! Thanks for all the advice! I will be leaving with our child and £78 but onwards and upwards I guess, can't really go any lower x

OP posts:
Original poster
Lu223 · 04/02/2018 09:51

Also his away next weekend for a friends stag so I'm going to leave then, I can pack things and get organised and if I can get some money together ect if I try and leave today it'll be with the clothes on my back that's all he wouldn't let me take anything and will cause huge arguements in front of our child, I know it's the cowards way out but I'm going to take it! My brother is going to come help me, I'll be leaving the car clean break and that way I can build my life up by myself with no one to thank but me 👍🏻

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/02/2018 09:53

Is there a car loan and whose name is that in?

Cricrichan · 04/02/2018 09:53

Don't worry about his debts, it's been his fault anyway and you've paid for the car and nursery fees.

3.5 years needlessly living in his childhood bedroom is ridiculous and you should at least have been able to save up for a deposit etc.

ALLIS0N · 04/02/2018 09:57

It’s NOT the cowards way out. It’s what a wise person with a child to care for would do.

Her happiness in life depends on your being safe, well and happy.

Stop worrying about him and put yourself and your child first .

GreenTulips · 04/02/2018 10:08

Remember to get paperwork

Bank statements
Birth certificates
Passports

Desmondo2016 · 04/02/2018 10:10

It sounds like a perfectly sensible plan. And really, don't worry about his debts, in fact, stop giving him anything and get as much out this week as you can!

Worldsworstcook · 04/02/2018 10:12

That's it OP!!you s got your plan, its clean, it's smart, now stick to it!! Gather together your bits and nods. Under the guise of decluttering, have a clear out ahead of next weekend so you can decide what's coming, what's staying and when you go you can take everything important.

Good woman OP, update us when you go and let us know how it went.

GreenTulips · 04/02/2018 10:20

Good idea about a sort out!

You can use the car to drop a few things 'to the tip'

How's he affording a stag weekend?

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