Husband wants to sext, I don’t

[MinecraftMother]

It makes me feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to do it.

I’m not in the mood, esp when he’s in a different time zone and the msg he sends me arrives when I am at my desk in the middle of a busy day at work, in my shared office.

I think I’ve maybe partaken a couple of times in the past but now I just find it cringey.

Today I was up early baking for the fucking school disco. Then taking the kids to school. Then a busy AF day in work. Then rush home, get changed, get the kids ready for the school disco. Go to school disco, run the bar, clean up two loads of kids’ sick - one set of parents nowhere to be fucking seen - whilst fielding queries from my three all night. Then tidying up at the end. Home, teeth face hands change clothes, bed...

Then he says he’s en route home. Arrives in the door after being away for a week and I knew it was coming...”so you didn’t want to reply to my message”...

Oh fuck off.

Now he’s stormed off to bed and I’m
Fuming downstairs.

Absolutely predictable, I knew it was coming.

I know this isn’t the correct forum but AIBU?!!

I’m old enough not to be coerced into shit I don’t want to be a part of. I know this is mild but it’s the day long fight we’ll have about it tomorrow now...😔

Try say you want real communication not sexting.
Explain too what you were doing today and how entirely false and out if synch it would have been anyway.

Thanks Wild. We’re in a bad place at the moment actually.

We have a huge disparity with our sex drives. He wants it a lot more than me. I’m usually so fucking tired 😑.

It’s so sad.

This is not a sextinf problem IMO.

This is being married to a selfish man who lacks empathy.

I would say don't let it all escalate without talking calmly about it.
Could you get away together and do somethings together that aren't immediately sex first, i.e show mutual interest and affection first?

He sounds demanding and bratty. Do you think you are not just physically tired but actually fed up with him, and need to sort some things out?

If he thinks an out the blue text on a day like yours is remotely sexy, maybe he initiates sex in a clumsy way all the time too.

I think people can see therapists for problems like this, but please ignore anything I say if it seems wrong or hurtful.

Yes, we’ve started therapy - one session in and we both like her.

The sex thing is a big deal for him. I got the coil to stop my horrendous periods and of course to protect us from pregnancy, I’m losing weight (which always makes me feel better) and I’ve bought a good vibrator.

I had planned a mani pedi tomorrow (feet are his thing) and a nice relaxing evening and some fun in bed.

He comes in having been away for a week and I just knew I’d hear about this fucking text within two mins of him being in the door. I should have written it down and put it on the mantelpiece.

He could have sex twice a day.

I barely want it once a month.

How do we move on from this? If therapy doesn’t work - will we founder?

The definition of madness is doing the same thing again and again and expecting the same result / or something like that. So I arranged therapy, I arranged protection, I am losing weight.

He chucks a dirty text my way and expects me to fall over in a quiver as soon as he comes through the door? It’s like he doesn’t know me at all.

Whereas I knew exactly where we’d end up tonight if he got home before bedtime, which he did. Unfortunately.

Keep going with your therapy and don;t give up hope yet because obviously one session will not be enough. It is good you both like the therapist.She might get through to him. He does not sound
very seductive behaving that way!

It sounds as though you feel you are not attractive because of weight etc. Your therapist might be able to give you more confidence,

Thanks wild, we certainly will keep at it.

I would feel better with 2 stone down, I know it. But that’s for me. He fancies me as I am, I have no doubt about it.

He loves the confidence I used to have in bed, I was sure I was good at all the sex 😂 so was a bit of a firecracker. So he harks back to that.

But I know when my weight gets back to normal I’ll feel better all over - mentally and physically.

Good luck. It sounds as though there are lots of reasons, and they can all be sorted out gradually.

He wants sex and you don't - same old story. At least he lusts after you which is a good thing and not always the case in a long term marriage.

If you both can't work it out and compromise on both side's then you have a problem...

and I’ve bought a good vibrator.
Why use that when husband is so desperate for sex?
(sorry if I'm being naive - perhaps the vibrator is to make you want sex with him more - I dunno - just seemed an odd thing when there's a live vibrator wanting you)

Personally I think it's good that at least he is putting this all before you and showing you how he feels. I know you feel like you don't want it, but I do think that in a monogamous relationship then each side should know how the other feels, and should take some responsibility for the other's dependence on them for feeling happy and fulfilled.

What should he do, then? Not ever approach you sexually? So what does he do with his (healthy male, attracted to his wife) sex drive? Should he just wank, and not tell you? Is he allowed to do that next to you in bed or should he hide it?

I totally get it that you aren't interested, are exhausted, don't have the drive, etc. But if we set that on one side for a moment, as a thing that is respected and hopefully can be looked at and helped with, and we look at his situation ... think about it purely from his perspective just as an exercise in understanding.

He wants you. (that's good)
He's communicating that. (that's good)
You are angry with him for wanting you as you don't want him.
How should he feel?
Rejected? Sad? Cross? And with a hard on he doesn't know what to do with.

It really needs sorting out. Because the point of monogamy is you get everything from each other. I don't think it's wrong that he wants sex with you. So if you don't want it with him, then something needs to be sorted out somehow. Because while it's not fair that you should feel put upon, it's also not fair that he should have to have a sexless life.

It certainly needs sorting out and I’m working on it. I’ve arranged the therapy, im losing weight and I bought the vibrator to use together.

I also read that if you masturbate that raises your sex drive.

It is all good that he still wants me and that pleases me. But a sexy message slap bang in the middle of my day at work? Not sexy!!

He has opened the communication and as I said were working on this age old prop ken - though it is early days.

It was just so predictable when he came in the door from the airport and it was the first thing he mentioned. Late at night, busiest day in ages and he’s bugging me when I’d have loved a cuddle on the couch with a recap about his trip.

I’m not condemning him to a celibate life with me, I have things planned for today and I’d love to be the type to titilate the husband via text and be waiting for him (as if I had the time to fucking wait around) when he got home. But I’ve never been into that, not for a long time really.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I do aporeciate your time.

I get that you are so busy some days that you just haven’t got the time to respond and also you are not likely to be feeling particularly sexy on an average day when you are running around trying to get everything done.

I would find your dh’s behaviour off putting but I always feel like that after a while in a long term relationship (hence why I am single and breathe a sigh of relief when I read threads like this.)

On the other hand your husband is trying to make an effort and is obviously attracted to you and that’s important too. If he was a lazy lover and showed no interest in you, you might be feeling awful about that.

I think it’s something you can work out and compromise on.

Yes I thought maybe that about the vibrator and yes of course it's good as means you're trying to get yourself into wanting him, I understand.

I don't think the sexy text at work is bad in itself. I think it's good/right that he's sending that to you. So many guys, if their partner doesn't want to text like that, or even if she does, end up sexting some other woman.

It's better he's sexting you than that you're begging him to sext you and he won't, but he sexts someone else.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you have him in the palm of your hand, and that's a very good place to be, so. you have all the right cards to make this work.

He is a good man and loyal, but without betraying my feminist roots I know that something has to give or eventually he’ll go elsewhere.

Hopefully my plans will come together to make a change...

Sexting can be hugely erotic and is really foreplay . I get it that when you are busy it is not ideal but at the right time it will act to increase your desire for him and you will be the one jumping on him when he comes in the door . You keep on mentioning your weight - why ? Men really don't care . What they love is your confidence . You said you had it once before so get it back ! Work on this before he is sexting someone else. I don't mean the sexting. I mean comments like the one below.

But I know when my weight gets back to normal I’ll feel better all over - mentally and physically.

I really don’t believe that my weight bothers him but it bothers me.
I keep mentioning it because in the past (after a baby) when I’ve finally done something about my weight I’ve felt great. More energy and I just know to myself I look better. So really it’s just about me feeling better.

Sounds like what you’re missing is intimacy. A sext that arrives out of the blue during a conference call, has zero emotional intimacy or connection it basically says ‘I’m horny and would like to wank into you’. It doesn’t say ‘I’m in tune with you and know how to turn you on.’

It doesn’t sound unrescuable. But he needs to understand it’s not all about him.

Oh god, some of the advice on here is really shocking IMO!

This is not a sex problem IMO it is him lacking empathy and being selfish. What he is doing is not communicating, it is bullying (being insensitive and stroppy).

You cannot ‘compromise’ re sex. If you try and pressure yourself because he is pressuring you then you will destroy all of the intimacy and kill the relationship.

IMO you need to take the possibility of sex completely off the table and explore in therapy why he behaves in such an entitled and selfish way about it.

He may be a good man in every other way but he is being really selfish and insenstive here and he is failing to see sex as something that should be mutually pleasureable while he is focused on his anger that he is not getting it enough.

My DH does this, OP, and our work/live set up is much the same as yours. And he sulks in exactly the same way as your DH too and it frequently becomes the subject of arguments when we get back together. His sex drive is high too and I really get where you are coming from in respect of the potential downstream outcomes.

I'm wittering on here as I have no real advice, but my reaction to my DH's sexting is exactly as yours. To be frank I find it cringey and I simply can't reply as it's not my thing at all. Leaves me cold. And yet our sex life when it happens is really good.

I hear what other PPs are saying about it shows he desires you but I am with you on this - I laughed out loud about the kids' disco scenario versus his probably sitting in some hotel room somewhere indulging in erotic fantasies So sending empathy and an assurance, for what it's worth, that you are not alone.

He is in a mood because he feels rejected. You need to tell him exactly what you told us. Your Friday was busy and stressful and you really wanted a nice cuddle and relax. Tell him that you had already planned a sexy time tonight and timing is everything. Tell him that sexts aren't sexy for you but you appreciate him thinking of you. Next time he could text that he is missing you and looking forward to the weekend. Sometimes in a relationship you need to spell out explicitly what will make things better.

FWIW I don’t think this is a sex drive issue really either. I have an enormous sex drive, this kind of sulking, sending texts at 3.30 when i’m at the school gates etc I have had before in relationships and it just killed my desire. It’s really offputting behaviour and it’s easy to think ‘my libido is low’ when the actual problem is not your libido but that you are now finding your partner as an individual increasingly sexually offputting because of his behaviour.

And yes, yes to Offred's comments - it does indeed have the effect on me of killing desire. I have tried to explain this to my DH but he just doesn't get it and thinks that I should just respond in kind. And that despite me telling him repeatedly that I can't and I won't

Hmm. I had a similar situation years ago, thought he was being a prat, ignored him and stuck my head in the sand until he found another woman who did want to reciprocate. They're now married.

Obviously this was a tiny part of a bigger picture but I do wish I'd had the confidence then to discuss it openly. With Dp now, we're incredibly open about that kind of conversation and it fosters intimacy between us.

I think you're very wise to be doing the counselling at this stage - we did it but it was far too late by then.

I don’t know - he certainly shouldn’t be sulking, but I think that the problem is with sex imbalances is that everyone ends up feeling anxious and rejected and not behaving their best. Take this to the therapist - good on you for going. Since you are the one struggling with libido, you need to find ways of articulating what might make feel in the mood, and he needs to really listen to that and act accordingly.

I know it’s an old thread but whoever suggested that your husband is selfish and lack empathy clearly doesn’t understand the nature of most men. When men fee rejected and taken for granted ,unappreciated they often look for affairs,sex elsewhere. The majority that consistently get rejected end up cheating ,either by joining websites or meeting up with people . Op husband travel for work that puts him in a high risk position for cheating . Ladies be careful not to take your husband for granted .